Genie in a Bottle

I have lost my dreams. There was so much I was passionate about and now…. meh. I had goals. Life meant something. It was meant to be lived!
Now I merely exist in my little day to day world. I have my four dogs who help keep me sane (although some days that could be questionable). I garden some. I have my motorcycle.
I have my husband and parents. But I have lost me. Fundamentally I don’t know who I am anymore. Sure I can tell you my likes and dislikes. But what do I want? What makes me happy?
I don’t know.

Change of any kind scares the hell out of me. Will send me into a panic attack some times (more often than not of late)…. Things that used to make me deliriously happy now can scare the hell out of me. I can’t tell you how much I HATE that.
I just drift along til something catches my attention. But most things cannot hold it.
Part of it is that I have been stabbed in the back by people who were supposed to help me. I trusted them. I had to give up a dream each time. And now when I go back to that dream I find it lacking. Not gonna work so why get excited about it again?
And a lot of that is why I keep drinking. Doesn’t hurt as much. I even feel hope and excitement on occasion! I don’t feel lost and useless.
I don’t see me not using my genie in a bottle anytime soon. There are good days and bad. Sometimes a week or more will go by. But then something inside snaps or just too damn tired to fight anymore.
I wish I could find my dreams and myself and believe in them again. I find it ironic when I hear how great people think I am with all I have accomplished and seemingly want to do.
I am but an empty shell.20140805-223552-81352986.jpg


Hurting for someone I never knew

   This may sound weird but I found out a friend on Facebook past away on the 4th of March.  His name was Scott and he was 15 years old.
   His arm and should were hurting bad one day but he didn’t want to stress his mom out so said nothing.  His best friend finally got him to tell his mom.  When they went to the doctor they found out he had cancer.
   I had been following him for ooo maybe a year?  I’m not sure.  His mom was always posting fun photos or talking about the latest trial he was going thru.  I’m sure it was a good release for her but it was an inspiration to a lot of us out there in Facebook land.  It would brighten our day or make us grateful for what we had.
   Scott inspired us… I’ll say me as I cannot speak for others.  He inspired me to do the best with what I have.  Things could be worse but the worst is always do-able with love.
   Thank you Scott.  You will be missed.