anxiety – Today's Blog

Finally a day off! 🙂
   I have felt depression creeping in lately. I do not like this. Unfortunately there is not much I can do right now to fix it. The weather here keeps getting worse which makes the roads bad. And with a forty five minute drive to work (which has turned in to an hour each way with weather) with white knuckle driving…. Let’s just say the stress level goes up quite a few notches!
   Days off turn into a day of me curling into a ball and doing nothing. I take care of the zoo and that’s about it. I hate the cold. I hate the snow. And this year we have had an abundance of both. Yesterday was snow and blowing snow. Today we have sun but -20-30°F with wind chill. I am seriously thinking of getting some tanning minutes. The UV seems to help my moods.
   I also have not had a drink in a week/seven days as of today. I managed to scare myself pretty good the last time I did cocktails so I just stopped. Good I guess but I don’t feel a sense of accomplishment. Just something I did.
   See what I mean? I’m not happy. I’m coasting along in neutral. Riding season seems so far away (this attitude is an improvement as I didn’t really care one way or the other before). I am trying to find joy in the little things. Then I feel guilty for not being happy for everyone else. I don’t want to bring others down. But I am tired of faking it. A vicious circle.
   I have been good about doing my journal every day and I am drinking water every day now. So there are steps forward. And I am struggling not to type the dreaded “but”…. I guess it’s just not enough.
   Winters have been getting harder and harder for me. Since I got the motorcycle I guess but I don’t think that’s the only reason. I hate being cold and being stuck inside. Being indoors by choice is one thing.
   I keep trying to move forward and now wish my days away. My family keeps smiles on my face. My friends do too. I am grateful for them. It’s the little things. Forwards or backwards it all matters in the end.