Animals, anxiety, Automotive, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Doing What I Do

What I would not give for some alone time to process my grief! Instead I get to go to work and deal with people. I read the wrong schedule so it turns out that I am working tonight and even though I have tomorrow off I still need to drive to Elk Rapids to cover a meeting.

I actually got decent sleep last night since I didn’t get woken up every little while. Hopefully that will help at work. I will be well and truly exhausted by the time I get to bed tonight. Last night I just pretty much came home and went to bed. I read for a little bit but not very long.

Mother Nature is trying to make up for lost time apparently. Rumor has it that we could get up to another foot (30cm) of snow in the next few days. One of my coworkers spun her truck out on the way in yesterday. I guess she almost rolled it. But she is ok just shaken up. Her truck might be a different matter. They are still melting all the snow that got pushed up underneath. If there is an damage to the frame she will probably have to total it. The plow trucks have been out but it seems as though the roads get plowed down to ice. I would rather them leave some snow for traction. On ice all you do is slide. And if it is windy that day? Good luck!

I filled the bird feeder yesterday as it has been very busy since the snow hit. I counted no less than 10 different types of birds. They flew up out of reach into the trees while I filled things up then came back when I was done. I thought I would have to replace the suet but that was still mostly full.

I need to check to see if the plants need watering. It is very dry in here and some of them need to be watered several times a week because the dirt dries out. The lettuce seeds have already produced a shock of sprouts that have shot up in the small glass jar. That means that I need to clean out the long window box and get those in there. I thought they were supposed to take weeks to sprout. It has only been a few days.

I am going to wrap this up. If I am lucky I can get another hour or so of quiet before the house gets busy and I will need to get ready for work. Thank you again to everyone that has been reaching out over Essie’s death. I appreciate all the love and support. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, Exercise, family, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, Tattoos, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Through the Looking Glasses

Well we now have around a foot (30cm) of snow. It came down hard over the course of yesterday. It lays in thick drifts all over, even in the trees. Stella looks so lonely when she goes out now. I wonder how Spring will be. I am thinking of getting her a harness and then she and I start going for walks at the local park. It will get both of us out. I mentioned it to Chris to see if he wants to go along.

Laundry is wreaking havoc in the utility room by the sounds of it. Things keep falling off the machine as it spins the clothes out. I have no idea why. It is not a different load than normal. Stella keeps getting spooked when something crashes to the floor. I think she is realizing that Essie isn’t coming home again. I am not sure how she is dealing with it. Over the past week or so they both got very jealous of each other. They could be close at times but I just don’t know. I also don’t know how she will react the next time she goes to the vet. Normally she likes to go because she is a very social girl but after this? I know that there was a big change in the dogs when I brought Minion’s body home. After that they didn’t want to go to the vet’s.

I just have to get through today and I have 2 days off. I am going to need my alone time to process everything. I am also going to design Essie’s memorial tattoo. It will be her paw in my hand (I have a photo) and I am getting under my left bicep so that when I put my arm down I she is next to my heart. I am also using some of her ashes in the ink. I want to come up with a tattoo that represents all of my fur babies over the years. I am thinking of maybe just a never-ending line of script of all their names. Just have it wrap around my body. I will also need to see how much this will cost. I have to make sure bills get paid.

The house is so quiet. Essie was such a big personality…. Stella is busy but it is a different energy than Essie. And the fact that we are all cooped up in the house doesn’t help. I wonder what Stella will do Wednesday when we are both gone to work. Tuesday night I have a meeting (please self don’t forget the meeting) so it will be a small taste for her on her own. I worry about her. I worry about all of us. Maybe I will take Stella for a ride tomorrow. Just a drive around then back home to get her out. I still have the blanket in the back seat from Essie (my seat covers are cold this time of year).

I think I will wrap this up and see if I can do some work on my novel. Thanks for reading and I really appreciate the outpouring of love. Much love back to you all! Stay safe.

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Another Broken January

My heart hurts. It is way too early and I am exhausted. Both girls are out here with me. Essie has a vet appointment at 3:30pm. And I think I have made the decision. She has too much that is going on right now. Too much is going wrong. We are up this early because Essie woke me at 5am panting heavily slamming her hear against me. It was like she couldn’t get up. I had to pull her away from Stella and just pet her for a bit. Even then she wouldn’t get up. Finally I went and got a big glass of water (she has been panting this whole time… and yes I realize that panting is a sign of pain in dogs) and that finally got her up. I let her out for a few minutes and when she came back in she got a drink. She wouldn’t go back to bed so I got my stuff and we came out here. I am so tired but when I tried to lay down on the couch (Essie left the couch and went to sleep on the loveseat since it is leather and cooler) sleep would not come. I just laid there and listened to her breathe. Then Stella came out and instead of curling up on the empty spot Essie had left at my feet decided to stand on me. I asked if they wanted breakfast and here we are. They are both sleeping and I am typing away.

Yesterday was filled with blessings despite my phone call to the vet. My Aunt made me a blanket and included two little buddies as a surprise. My Bath and Body Works order arrived (I love the smell of the coconut and sandalwood soap and they finally got more in and they were on sale cheap). One of my regulars at work who is an artist brought me more rocks that he had painted (he has given me several over the past few months as he cleans out his old work). I am being teased that my totem animal must be a penguin since all these guys keep bringing me rocks.

When Chris gets up I am going to give Essie a lot of tea kettle and then I got them bones. I will tell him to love on our baby girl as best he can. I don’t know if I am making the right decision but I can see that she is starting to suffer and I don’t want that for her. She scared the hell out of me this morning. I refuse to go to the emergency vet because I will be required to just drop her off at the door. I am not sending her in there by herself. The last time she was there was for stitches. She won’t be happy. She won’t be happy either way but my vet will let me come in with a mask. They understand and care. Here come the water works. I am trying not to cry because I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. Nor do I want to wake Chris.

Laundry is going since I need jeans for today. I was hoping to put things off with Essie until Monday since I have Monday and Tuesday off (I have a meeting Tuesday night but I can hang at the back on my own) but I guess I will have to deal with people raw. I think they will understand but I can’t turn my emotions on and off like a light switch. I really hate Januarys.

I am shocked that it is still pitch dark out. I had better stop here. In my current mental state I could go on for a long time. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Movies, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Travel, Writing

The Mad Hatter

Yesterday was productive all things considered. I got all the dishes done and put away (we had accumulated several days worth), same with laundry, I cleaned up the floor in the utility room and put down an all weather mat for the boots, plants got watered and I even got 6 or 7 little glass pots with seeds started.

I got out of the house for an hour (Mom texted around 10:41am asking where I was and I reminded her that she cancelled with me the night before) and I got the mat for the house and a few other goodies. One of them is a cool looking pocket knife. It’s pretty sturdy even if it is a little chunky (this is from my machinist husband… I was concerned that I would get home and he would pronounce it crap due to either design or material). So I can now carry a pocket knife with me. I am very pleased.

We got several inches of snow that seem to have literally blown away. The wind has picked up considerably. I worry that it has made Essie sore/achy. Both girls have been acting odd. It is as if they switched personalities almost. I was sharing some food and Essie about took my fingers off where Stella took it gently (the opposite usually happens). Essie was also busy chewing on bones for several hours while Stella chewed hers until it was clean then came and curled up with me on the love seat (another complete reversal as Essie will normally barely finish her bone and be done while Stella will finish hers first and go look for more). And the jealousy… if I am giving one attention the other gets upset to the point she may actually come over and push her way in. I don’t know what is going on.

I watched a well done documentary on Shudder yesterday. It was three hours long but well worth it. It covered various aspects of folk horror (think The Wicker Man or Midsommer). I realized two things. One there are a lot of good movies that I haven’t seen and two I have watched a lot of horror movies. It has also given me a few ideas for the novel. I feel like the information needs to percolate but I am worried that it is just an excuse. So after this I will pull out my novel and see what happens.

I have had a few people ask about what I am calling the “Alice in Wonderland feeling.” It is still going on. I am guessing that there are big changes that are going to be happening soon. I think the girls can sense it as well. I don’t know what they will be or when they will happen but something is shifting in a big way.

On that note I think I will wrap this up and get it posted. I am hoping to have something very cool to share with all of you later this week (if the mail is on time). Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, the World, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Cruising In Neutral

I can tell it’s my day off. I am in no particular rush to do anything. I got up late but I was able to read some new (and old) blog posts from you folks. I even found a few new ones to follow! It has been nice no trying to power read through things.

It still feels off, like yesterday. This even carried over to work (things were really off there). The feeling is not as strong as yesterday but something has changed. I am not sure what but I’m sure I will find out eventually.

It seems odd to be writing about milk but I am using “real” milk if you will. It is from a local farm and comes in glass bottles. It is also a little pricey. Why would I buy this just from my coffee? Because it literally was all we had. I am trying to get used to a thicker and creamier milk (the regular stuff is closer to a white liquid). It is good for several days but the way it is reminds me of when the stuff I normally drink (ok buy since I am not a big milk drinker) is going bad. I have to keep telling myself that the milk is still good it is just different. Maybe I need to use this tack on myself with change?

Mom and I were supposed to get together today but she said I should stay home. I am still debating about going into Traverse just to get out on my own for a bit. But then I consider everyone else. What if I don’t get home until after Chris leaves for work? I don’t want to leave the girls alone (I sound like my Mother here) and I don’t want to miss time with Chris. See how that works? I just talked myself out of going anywhere. (I may go to Dollar General just to walk around. I do need to get out some place out of my normal routine. Or maybe to Gilroy’s and see if they have gotten any seeds in yet.) I use others as a crutch or a pry bar if I need an excuse to go out. Never for me.

If I go out I think I might take my camera. If I do that then I can go to the parks around here and see if I can get some photos. I have been very lax as to my photography. I should continue my DVD lessons. That will be after Chris goes to work. (And I will need to tell myself that the girls won’t suffer from lack of play time if I just do a few lessons. Are you listening Self?)

I have been thinking about doing something with my hair. I’m not sure what. Since I am happy with the length maybe play with the color? Purple is my favorite color so I thought maybe some purple streaks. Something to brighten my mood. If I do streaks then I won’t really have any maintenance because I am not very good with that. As a matter of fact I have an honorary Dude Card because I am very much like a guy in many of my attitudes, lol.

I had better get this posted or I will go on forever it seems today. I hope you all have fab day! Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Food, Friends, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, the World, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Dreaming of Gardens

I don’t have to be to work until 2pm so that is a nice thing. I didn’t need to set an alarm. I got some extra cuddle time with the girls. Poor Essie was really warm when we got up. Part of that is the prednisone. She also drank a lot of water (again the meds). But she has been eating again so I’ll take it. I took both girls for a ride to work last night. I forgot to bring the next books in a series a coworker is reading so I decided to take both the girls with. On the way I remembered that I had forgotten to get meat for their dinner. One of my younger coworkers (she’s like a little sister) was excited to come out and meet the girls. They did very well. And one of my regulars was parked next to my car and commented that the girls were very quiet (they never bark when someone pulls up beside us). He was very impressed. I was too because Essie wasn’t shaking or anything while we were out (Essie is not a fan of car rides so getting her out and about can be difficult… I just wanted her to be in the car for something other than going to the doctor).

I am starting to think about my gardens. We have yogurt that comes in these small glass containers at work. They are a little more expensive but they tase really good and have the added bonus of being the right size to start my seeds. I also have the long window box I need to empty out. The plants didn’t make it but they were the annuals so I wasn’t surprised. The dirt was crap as well so I am grateful they made it as long as they did. This also means that I need to pick a spot to get serious about a food garden. I have several spots I can use but each has a unique set of problems. All will need fresh dirt. But if I use the rock garden (I prefer that because it is fenced in so the kids don’t run through it) there are the fire ants. Apparently this garden is on top of a mound of them. When I do any serious gardening I have to pay attention because they will start to swarm which means I have to take a break in that part of the garden for a few hours while they calm down. There is also the problem that they will eat certain things from the roots up. I cannot grow any hot pepper plants in that garden. They also manage to bring up a lot of sand which a lot of the plants aren’t happy with. I have three raised gardens but those are in desperate need of a good cleaning out (they have been left on their own for several years as they only recently became enclosed in the fence line so that I can access them). There is also the girls. They like to fertilize them in the Spring and Summer. Also a consideration is that they are a distance from the house as well as the abundance of bunnies that will come in the yard now that it is fenced in (I am still at a loss as to why that is… before the fencing went up the rabbits stayed away). There are other little plots of earth here and there that I could use but they are all easy access to running and playing Pitbulls that (bless them) don’t pay attention to what they are running through. I may resort to pots again but I don’t know for sure. Tomatoes and I don’t do well together however I am thinking of trying the whole grow them in the hanging bag that is advertised. It would be inaccessible to the usual critters. But will they grow?

With prices going up on things I need to be serious about my gardens this year. If I have an abundance then maybe I can share some locally. But I need to get things grown. I enjoy gardening so it will give me an excuse to be outside more. Since I know some peeps that work at some of the local gardening shops I might see it they can get me some specialty stuff (like the bags to grow the tomatoes). I would much prefer to do it locally than send for it. Especially since these people shop at my place of work.

Do any of you have gardens? Year round? I have tried to keep food stuffs in pots and bring them in during the winter but with as little sun as we have had they are not happy. What do you have in your gardens? What do you do about various pests? Any comments or suggestions are welcome.

I see that this morning I have run on a bit. I really have enjoyed talking with those of you that have commented on past posts. Thanks for reading (everyone 😁)! Stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Dogs, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Fears R Us

Just when I see the light… someone flips the switch. This is going to be a short post as I have been up in the wee hours with a sick Essie. Around 12:15am she needed to go out. Then it was every 5-10 minutes for the next two hours. Up and down. In and out. Her tummy had been gurgling all night. She didn’t eat dinner but she did take her medicine.

All three of us ended up on the couch for a while. Funnily enough that’s where both girls are right now. I have covered them up with blankets. Both ate a good bit of breakfast and have been out. Essie has taken her medicine as well.

I left a message with the vet last night. I almost took Essie to the emergency vet but a) I don’t like them and b) if I just was able to leave her at the door that would have compounded the problem. So we just stayed up. She finally stayed in to be sick because it was just too cold out. And she wasn’t throwing anything up but the occasional bit of phlegm.

I am so grateful she feels better! My concern it that it will be a regular occurrence with the mass being where.it is and pushing things around. We’ll see what the doctor says.

I don’t have any pics this morning. And I don’t quite have enough time to add old ones. I need to get out the door for my meeting in Elk Rapids. Hopefully it will be only an hour so I can spend time with the family before I head to work. Thank you all for your support! It means a lot! Stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

So What’s Gonna Happen?

There is good news and bad news from yesterday’s vet visit. The bad news is that there is a mass on Essie’s liver that is pushing things around. The good news is that it is hopefully not cancer. Hopefully. Surgery will be too much for her so we are trying to treat it with medication. I am to call the vet if she has anything change. This morning she scared the hell out of me. It is a bitter cold here and I let the girls out to go potty after breakfast. I kept an eye on them just incase paws got too cold. Not only did Essie stop part way in and pick up her front right paw but she suddenly collapsed on to her butt. I threw boots on and went flying out there to scoop her up. When I got out there she had gotten up and made it another foot or so toward the house. Right now both girls are tucked in under blankets and sleeping. Essie’s breathing was weird for a bit and it was hard not to go off the deep end. Stella is being very jealous. I hope this does not create a problem like we had before where they are fighting.

I did make it to last night’s meeting (which was blessedly short) but I just don’t have it in me to write the article. I probably will once I get this posted. I just don’t really want to do anything except curl up into a little ball. I got work on my novel done yesterday morning. About a page but it is something. I don’t know if I will have a chance this morning or not. I have two hours before work and I have the article and a few other things I need to do around here yet. I have no idea how much sleep I will get tonight as I am working at 7am tomorrow morning. Well I am manager so 6:30am so I can get the tills in and such before we open.

If this is any indication as to how 2022 is going to go… I have tried to be positive but this is making things a tad more difficult. I just feel so overwhelmed. I don’t want to adult anymore. 🙄 But I have to. I should wrap this up so that I can get that article written and sent in. I won’t have much time over the weekend (little to no quiet time) so I might as well take advantage of things now. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, Reading, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Day of Reckoning

It has been a steady snow since we got up. Unlike yesterday it is the tiny flakes. We did not get hit as hard as they suggested we would. That being said it is a bitter cold out so I put both of the girls in their winter coats. I was shocked to see that Stella’s coat has become too small for her. It barely covers her back. I might… gulp…. pull out Moose’s and see if that fits her.

The sound of plow trucks has been steady around here. Which is interesting because on the days that we really needed it there were none to be heard. Now when we really don’t need it there they are.

Essie will be wearing her coat when we go to the vet. I am going to try to remember to bring a blanket for the back of the car for her. Those seats are cold! She and I will both be anxious. I am not happy about the fact that I can’t go in with her. I understand why but she gets so scared and me not being with her just makes it worse. It hurts my heart to see her like that.

I did get a big blessing from the Universe yesterday. This past summer a gentleman dropped a small packet of money. I was given it through the gas window because he had driven off. Well her never came back for it. It has been a few months. Since I “found” it I can claim it. The packet of money he dropped was $800. 😮 I tried not to cry as I was handed the envelope with the money. That means I should be able to swing whatever we need at the vet’s today. That is a big load off my mind. Now I can focus on getting Essie better.

I am hoping that with weather etc. someone will cancel and the vet will call. I also want to do some work on my novel. I am sure that it feels as though I no longer care about it. I finally find something that is going to make the story work and work well and I leave the novel. I used the excuse that I was letting things simmer but that is only true if you think about the story, which I have not. Since it has been several weeks (not months thankfully) I need to pick up my pen again. I also need to write a review for the Michael J. Fox book. I finished it a bit ago but I haven’t stepped up to write the review yet. We’ll see how the day goes. I still have a meeting to cover in Elk Rapids tonight. Ironically it is still on but the one I was supposed to cover Monday is off. I’m not going to tell work that. He will probably have the schedule done by the time I get there tomorrow anyway. So I will either get the day off or I will be early morning coverage. I am good either way. I just need to remember that I don’t have to go to Elk Rapids that day.

I see that I have gone on for a bit. I haven’t had a chance to get any new photos so I will see what I can dig up. I really appreciate all the support and good vibes! Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Gardening, Holiday, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, Reading, the World, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Love In A Snow Storm

We awoke to several inches of snow. Within 45 minutes the flakes had gone from coarse salt size to the size of a nickel. Then it went in the opposite direction. It is in the process of getting larger right now. Essie spent a good amount of time patrolling the fence line. Mostly at the back and she began and ended her patrols at Moose’s grave.

I called the vet yesterday morning. Essie has an appointment at 2pm. Since she hasn’t done anything but pee it will be x-rays right out of the gate. We are worried about a blockage. I am glad I saved my Christmas money. So I guess Essie and I will leave a little early and get that money deposited. I’m pretty sure it will all go toward her vet bill. I just hope and pray that I don’t have to make “that” decision. That scares me to death.

I didn’t get much done yesterday. I did water plants and do laundry (although the last load is in the dryer still). The girls and I went out to Moose’s grave for a bit and shared some banana chips with him. It was chilly enough I put coats on the girls since we were going to be out for a while. They had a good romp.

I got a surprise Christmas gift from Chris yesterday that helped to cheer me up. A little bit ago he purchased himself a light saber. He really enjoyed it and was doing his forms again (one of the things I always loved was watching him work through his sword forms). But apparently he wants someone to play with (these are ones that you can connect with but not full contact if you see what I mean). I have a thing for rooting for the bad guys a lot and that was the case when it came to Darth Maul in the new Star Wars movies (which I am not a big fan of, I prefer to stop at the first three… which technically are not the first in the story 🙄). So that is what I have. Darth Maul’s double saber. This set up has all kinds of bells and whistles that I have to figure out (volume being a big one… those things are loud when they talk to you!) but there are things like various sounds you can make (right now they sound like a traditional light saber when I move them through the air and I can make it sound like I am repelling laser gun fire) as well as being able to change the saber colors (I have gone with my favorite of red on both). So that will give me something to play with. It is quite large and heavy when both sabers are together but that will just strengthen my wrists. I think a lot of time will be spent outside once it starts to warm up (I will actually be able to get him out of his office! lol). And that is not a bad thing for either of us.

But my thoughts keep coming back to Essie. I am trying to plan things out in my head so I am not making decisions on emotion only on the spur of the moment. As much as it hurts I am trying to think things out. I want her to leave this world at home. She is terrified of going to the vet. And with the new restrictions in place I don’t think I would be let in and I am NOT leaving her alone with that. So I guess I would set something up to have them come out to the house. The next question is what are we going to do with the body? I would prefer to bury her out back with Moose but the ground is frozen solid. I don’t know if we can right now. I hate to send her away to be cremated. That will require some more thought.

I am sorry to be thinking out loud on this. My fingers are typing what is going on in my head without much filter this morning. My heart is feeling so brittle right now. One blow and it could shatter. I find myself looking at my Winnie-the-Pooh bracelet that I got myself. It says You are Braver than you believe-Stronger than you seem and Smarter than you think. I am not feeling any of that at the moment. (For those of you wondering where in the world that is in Winnie-the-Pooh it is what Pooh tells Piglet when Piglet’s house is flooding and he is freaking out (this is in the original books mind you, Pooh gives him a similar speech in the Disney movie). Pooh may have been a bear of very little brain but he sure was a smart one. ❤️ Thanks for reading and stay safe!