Animals, anxiety, Automotive, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Doing What I Do

What I would not give for some alone time to process my grief! Instead I get to go to work and deal with people. I read the wrong schedule so it turns out that I am working tonight and even though I have tomorrow off I still need to drive to Elk Rapids to cover a meeting.

I actually got decent sleep last night since I didn’t get woken up every little while. Hopefully that will help at work. I will be well and truly exhausted by the time I get to bed tonight. Last night I just pretty much came home and went to bed. I read for a little bit but not very long.

Mother Nature is trying to make up for lost time apparently. Rumor has it that we could get up to another foot (30cm) of snow in the next few days. One of my coworkers spun her truck out on the way in yesterday. I guess she almost rolled it. But she is ok just shaken up. Her truck might be a different matter. They are still melting all the snow that got pushed up underneath. If there is an damage to the frame she will probably have to total it. The plow trucks have been out but it seems as though the roads get plowed down to ice. I would rather them leave some snow for traction. On ice all you do is slide. And if it is windy that day? Good luck!

I filled the bird feeder yesterday as it has been very busy since the snow hit. I counted no less than 10 different types of birds. They flew up out of reach into the trees while I filled things up then came back when I was done. I thought I would have to replace the suet but that was still mostly full.

I need to check to see if the plants need watering. It is very dry in here and some of them need to be watered several times a week because the dirt dries out. The lettuce seeds have already produced a shock of sprouts that have shot up in the small glass jar. That means that I need to clean out the long window box and get those in there. I thought they were supposed to take weeks to sprout. It has only been a few days.

I am going to wrap this up. If I am lucky I can get another hour or so of quiet before the house gets busy and I will need to get ready for work. Thank you again to everyone that has been reaching out over Essie’s death. I appreciate all the love and support. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Another Broken January

My heart hurts. It is way too early and I am exhausted. Both girls are out here with me. Essie has a vet appointment at 3:30pm. And I think I have made the decision. She has too much that is going on right now. Too much is going wrong. We are up this early because Essie woke me at 5am panting heavily slamming her hear against me. It was like she couldn’t get up. I had to pull her away from Stella and just pet her for a bit. Even then she wouldn’t get up. Finally I went and got a big glass of water (she has been panting this whole time… and yes I realize that panting is a sign of pain in dogs) and that finally got her up. I let her out for a few minutes and when she came back in she got a drink. She wouldn’t go back to bed so I got my stuff and we came out here. I am so tired but when I tried to lay down on the couch (Essie left the couch and went to sleep on the loveseat since it is leather and cooler) sleep would not come. I just laid there and listened to her breathe. Then Stella came out and instead of curling up on the empty spot Essie had left at my feet decided to stand on me. I asked if they wanted breakfast and here we are. They are both sleeping and I am typing away.

Yesterday was filled with blessings despite my phone call to the vet. My Aunt made me a blanket and included two little buddies as a surprise. My Bath and Body Works order arrived (I love the smell of the coconut and sandalwood soap and they finally got more in and they were on sale cheap). One of my regulars at work who is an artist brought me more rocks that he had painted (he has given me several over the past few months as he cleans out his old work). I am being teased that my totem animal must be a penguin since all these guys keep bringing me rocks.

When Chris gets up I am going to give Essie a lot of tea kettle and then I got them bones. I will tell him to love on our baby girl as best he can. I don’t know if I am making the right decision but I can see that she is starting to suffer and I don’t want that for her. She scared the hell out of me this morning. I refuse to go to the emergency vet because I will be required to just drop her off at the door. I am not sending her in there by herself. The last time she was there was for stitches. She won’t be happy. She won’t be happy either way but my vet will let me come in with a mask. They understand and care. Here come the water works. I am trying not to cry because I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. Nor do I want to wake Chris.

Laundry is going since I need jeans for today. I was hoping to put things off with Essie until Monday since I have Monday and Tuesday off (I have a meeting Tuesday night but I can hang at the back on my own) but I guess I will have to deal with people raw. I think they will understand but I can’t turn my emotions on and off like a light switch. I really hate Januarys.

I am shocked that it is still pitch dark out. I had better stop here. In my current mental state I could go on for a long time. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Friends, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, the World, Thinking, Writing

Feeling Like a Bad Spice Cake, Too Much of Everything

I just can’t seem to get enough sleep lately. No matter what time I go to bed I feel the same when I get up. Last night I slept especially hard and I honestly feel awful right now. Today will be a 10 hour day but I have tomorrow off. I honestly have no idea what I should do tomorrow. There is so much that needs to be done around here. The only thing I have kept up on is laundry.

The sun is out and I don’t really want it to be. It can be a dark dreary day today. There are plenty of clouds still out. Did I mention all I want to do is sleep? With everything going around at work I will be upset if I get sick again. Not surprised though. I watch people cough either right out without covering their face or they cough into their hand and then touch things. And this from some of the ones that “can’t afford to get sick.” (*eye roll*)

I had a bit of news last night that was well…. unsettling. For me atleast. For most people they would be over the moon and excited and proud and….. Then there’s me. My eldest son (the one I just started keeping in touch with last year) messaged me that he and his wife are expecting. I can’t wrap my head around that. I messaged Mom but she is very blah about it. (I told her briefly about Essie and that I might not answer messages for a bit. I don’t really want to talk to her about Essie because the last scare we had with Essie Mom (well intentioned) told me I needed to do what was best for Essie. If she does that right now I know that I will lay into her. She has no place to tell me that after some of the things she…. no. I am not going there.) I want to tell her that Essie is doing well but I dread the possibility of “that” conversation.

I got some work done on the novel yesterday. Frustratingly enough I seem to have made more backstory questions for myself. Even if the reader never knows about half of what I have created I need to have the history of this village in my head and/or on paper. I have to laugh. For every page of novel I write I end up with two or three pages of backstory that I have to come up with! On the plus side I am very interested in the characters and their backstory so it is not a chore to get to the nuts and bolts of things.

I guess I should wrap things up. I want to try to wake up before work. I am closing manager so I need to be focused and alert. Not dozing. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Food, Friends, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, the World, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Dreaming of Gardens

I don’t have to be to work until 2pm so that is a nice thing. I didn’t need to set an alarm. I got some extra cuddle time with the girls. Poor Essie was really warm when we got up. Part of that is the prednisone. She also drank a lot of water (again the meds). But she has been eating again so I’ll take it. I took both girls for a ride to work last night. I forgot to bring the next books in a series a coworker is reading so I decided to take both the girls with. On the way I remembered that I had forgotten to get meat for their dinner. One of my younger coworkers (she’s like a little sister) was excited to come out and meet the girls. They did very well. And one of my regulars was parked next to my car and commented that the girls were very quiet (they never bark when someone pulls up beside us). He was very impressed. I was too because Essie wasn’t shaking or anything while we were out (Essie is not a fan of car rides so getting her out and about can be difficult… I just wanted her to be in the car for something other than going to the doctor).

I am starting to think about my gardens. We have yogurt that comes in these small glass containers at work. They are a little more expensive but they tase really good and have the added bonus of being the right size to start my seeds. I also have the long window box I need to empty out. The plants didn’t make it but they were the annuals so I wasn’t surprised. The dirt was crap as well so I am grateful they made it as long as they did. This also means that I need to pick a spot to get serious about a food garden. I have several spots I can use but each has a unique set of problems. All will need fresh dirt. But if I use the rock garden (I prefer that because it is fenced in so the kids don’t run through it) there are the fire ants. Apparently this garden is on top of a mound of them. When I do any serious gardening I have to pay attention because they will start to swarm which means I have to take a break in that part of the garden for a few hours while they calm down. There is also the problem that they will eat certain things from the roots up. I cannot grow any hot pepper plants in that garden. They also manage to bring up a lot of sand which a lot of the plants aren’t happy with. I have three raised gardens but those are in desperate need of a good cleaning out (they have been left on their own for several years as they only recently became enclosed in the fence line so that I can access them). There is also the girls. They like to fertilize them in the Spring and Summer. Also a consideration is that they are a distance from the house as well as the abundance of bunnies that will come in the yard now that it is fenced in (I am still at a loss as to why that is… before the fencing went up the rabbits stayed away). There are other little plots of earth here and there that I could use but they are all easy access to running and playing Pitbulls that (bless them) don’t pay attention to what they are running through. I may resort to pots again but I don’t know for sure. Tomatoes and I don’t do well together however I am thinking of trying the whole grow them in the hanging bag that is advertised. It would be inaccessible to the usual critters. But will they grow?

With prices going up on things I need to be serious about my gardens this year. If I have an abundance then maybe I can share some locally. But I need to get things grown. I enjoy gardening so it will give me an excuse to be outside more. Since I know some peeps that work at some of the local gardening shops I might see it they can get me some specialty stuff (like the bags to grow the tomatoes). I would much prefer to do it locally than send for it. Especially since these people shop at my place of work.

Do any of you have gardens? Year round? I have tried to keep food stuffs in pots and bring them in during the winter but with as little sun as we have had they are not happy. What do you have in your gardens? What do you do about various pests? Any comments or suggestions are welcome.

I see that this morning I have run on a bit. I really have enjoyed talking with those of you that have commented on past posts. Thanks for reading (everyone 😁)! Stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, History, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, retail, Thinking, Writing

Life Update

There was no good way to start this morning. I could get sleep and rush around in the morning to get this and my article written or I could get up and hour earlier and take my time. I desperately need the sleep so you can guess what I did.

I got a call from the vet not long after I punched in yesterday. By the time I hung up I had tears streaming down my face. It boils down to this. There is no easy way to determine if the mass on her liver is cancerous or not. What the vet is afraid of is that it is cancer and that is has spread to her stomach. (Remember that Essie had a lump that was cancer removed a few years ago.) So our “Hail Mary” is going to be giving her steroids to see if that helps things. If she continues to get sick to her stomach then I get to make the call.

I did my best not to snap at people last night at work but I was not entirely successful. Oh and apparently a coworker came in sick with the flu and now that is going around the store. Several people have gone home and called in over the past few days. With my lack of sleep and stress levels I am really hoping not to get sick. And I really don’t want Chris sick either.

Aaaaaand I have to get out the door. Oh, one bright spot. I cheered myself by spending a small amount of money (about $15) and got 100 business cards printed. They have my name and “Freelance Writer” below it. Ok, gotta go. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Dogs, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Fears R Us

Just when I see the light… someone flips the switch. This is going to be a short post as I have been up in the wee hours with a sick Essie. Around 12:15am she needed to go out. Then it was every 5-10 minutes for the next two hours. Up and down. In and out. Her tummy had been gurgling all night. She didn’t eat dinner but she did take her medicine.

All three of us ended up on the couch for a while. Funnily enough that’s where both girls are right now. I have covered them up with blankets. Both ate a good bit of breakfast and have been out. Essie has taken her medicine as well.

I left a message with the vet last night. I almost took Essie to the emergency vet but a) I don’t like them and b) if I just was able to leave her at the door that would have compounded the problem. So we just stayed up. She finally stayed in to be sick because it was just too cold out. And she wasn’t throwing anything up but the occasional bit of phlegm.

I am so grateful she feels better! My concern it that it will be a regular occurrence with the mass being where.it is and pushing things around. We’ll see what the doctor says.

I don’t have any pics this morning. And I don’t quite have enough time to add old ones. I need to get out the door for my meeting in Elk Rapids. Hopefully it will be only an hour so I can spend time with the family before I head to work. Thank you all for your support! It means a lot! Stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, the World, Thinking, Writing

Plotting and Planning

The morning is dark and windy. Some light snow is drifting in from the West. Everyone feels tired this morning. I am frustrated with some of my plants. It’s not their fault but I am irritated none the less. I have my favorite hanging plant that is getting infected again with those tiny critters that will spin a soft web line and then hang all kinds of nasties on it. I don’t want to kill the plant but I am struggling to figure out what to do. Last time it got really bad I was able to go out and hang it in a tree and it took care of itself. Mother Nature leant a helping hand. When the plant is indoors is when it seems to get infected. I try the vinegar and water spray and that works for a few days then they are back. Even if I wipe all the leaves off. I am at a loss.

The girls’ boots should arrive today. I am very grateful as I think we will really need them in the upcoming week. I need to go through our dog coats and see it I can find one to better fit Stella. It seems that Essie is slimming down a little but Stella seems to be picking it up. She’ll probably drop it when we can go back outside. This winter has been bitter cold so no one really wants to be outside. Even some of the die hards I work with have been surprised (these are the guys that wear shorts year round up here).

I am hoping that my knee has righted itself. I have no idea what happened but we heard a pop (this was at work and the noise startled my coworker) and I could not stand/walk on my knee. It got a little better after I got home but there was a moment that my knee just completely “snapped” and it hurt like nobody’s business. All I could focus on was that. As the night went on it seemed to get better. It is twinging this morning but so far no major issues.

I have tomorrow off and no meeting. I am glad they cancelled (it was the Harbor Commission so there isn’t much to do or say this time of the year) so I can stay home. I may chat with one or both of my parents. We’ll see how that goes. I may be having too much fun watching the girls in their new boots! I also need time with my novel. I am slowing getting back to it. Even if it is only a page a day.

I’m going to wrap this up for now. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

So What’s Gonna Happen?

There is good news and bad news from yesterday’s vet visit. The bad news is that there is a mass on Essie’s liver that is pushing things around. The good news is that it is hopefully not cancer. Hopefully. Surgery will be too much for her so we are trying to treat it with medication. I am to call the vet if she has anything change. This morning she scared the hell out of me. It is a bitter cold here and I let the girls out to go potty after breakfast. I kept an eye on them just incase paws got too cold. Not only did Essie stop part way in and pick up her front right paw but she suddenly collapsed on to her butt. I threw boots on and went flying out there to scoop her up. When I got out there she had gotten up and made it another foot or so toward the house. Right now both girls are tucked in under blankets and sleeping. Essie’s breathing was weird for a bit and it was hard not to go off the deep end. Stella is being very jealous. I hope this does not create a problem like we had before where they are fighting.

I did make it to last night’s meeting (which was blessedly short) but I just don’t have it in me to write the article. I probably will once I get this posted. I just don’t really want to do anything except curl up into a little ball. I got work on my novel done yesterday morning. About a page but it is something. I don’t know if I will have a chance this morning or not. I have two hours before work and I have the article and a few other things I need to do around here yet. I have no idea how much sleep I will get tonight as I am working at 7am tomorrow morning. Well I am manager so 6:30am so I can get the tills in and such before we open.

If this is any indication as to how 2022 is going to go… I have tried to be positive but this is making things a tad more difficult. I just feel so overwhelmed. I don’t want to adult anymore. 🙄 But I have to. I should wrap this up so that I can get that article written and sent in. I won’t have much time over the weekend (little to no quiet time) so I might as well take advantage of things now. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, Reading, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Day of Reckoning

It has been a steady snow since we got up. Unlike yesterday it is the tiny flakes. We did not get hit as hard as they suggested we would. That being said it is a bitter cold out so I put both of the girls in their winter coats. I was shocked to see that Stella’s coat has become too small for her. It barely covers her back. I might… gulp…. pull out Moose’s and see if that fits her.

The sound of plow trucks has been steady around here. Which is interesting because on the days that we really needed it there were none to be heard. Now when we really don’t need it there they are.

Essie will be wearing her coat when we go to the vet. I am going to try to remember to bring a blanket for the back of the car for her. Those seats are cold! She and I will both be anxious. I am not happy about the fact that I can’t go in with her. I understand why but she gets so scared and me not being with her just makes it worse. It hurts my heart to see her like that.

I did get a big blessing from the Universe yesterday. This past summer a gentleman dropped a small packet of money. I was given it through the gas window because he had driven off. Well her never came back for it. It has been a few months. Since I “found” it I can claim it. The packet of money he dropped was $800. 😮 I tried not to cry as I was handed the envelope with the money. That means I should be able to swing whatever we need at the vet’s today. That is a big load off my mind. Now I can focus on getting Essie better.

I am hoping that with weather etc. someone will cancel and the vet will call. I also want to do some work on my novel. I am sure that it feels as though I no longer care about it. I finally find something that is going to make the story work and work well and I leave the novel. I used the excuse that I was letting things simmer but that is only true if you think about the story, which I have not. Since it has been several weeks (not months thankfully) I need to pick up my pen again. I also need to write a review for the Michael J. Fox book. I finished it a bit ago but I haven’t stepped up to write the review yet. We’ll see how the day goes. I still have a meeting to cover in Elk Rapids tonight. Ironically it is still on but the one I was supposed to cover Monday is off. I’m not going to tell work that. He will probably have the schedule done by the time I get there tomorrow anyway. So I will either get the day off or I will be early morning coverage. I am good either way. I just need to remember that I don’t have to go to Elk Rapids that day.

I see that I have gone on for a bit. I haven’t had a chance to get any new photos so I will see what I can dig up. I really appreciate all the support and good vibes! Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Gardening, Guitar, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Music, Nature, Photography, retail, Tattoos, the World, Thinking, Writing

Contemplations: Life, Love, Happiness and Banana Chips

Moose’s anniversary started with a beautiful sunrise. Once I got Essie out after eating she did the strangest thing. She was sniffing along the back fence line like she was looking for something. She stopped right at Moose’s grave and just stood and stared. Then she woofed and bounced at his grave like something was there. I thought maybe she saw a deer or something but there was nothing there.

I bought some banana chips to share with Moose today. It was our special treat together. It was one of the few things we could still share together after the got sick. Stella will eat them but Essie mostly won’t. That’s ok.

Essie still hasn’t gone potty that we have seen but we have missed a lot. This morning was a good example. I kept repeating that I needed to watch her while she was outside but I completely forgot because Stella decided that she wasn’t going out so I was trying to convince her to go out when I realized that Essie had been out for a few minutes already. When I got to the door all she was doing was sniffing around. But I will try my best to keep a closer eye on her the rest of the day.

In bed last night I made another to do list. It is all pretty straight forward. Things like work on my novel, make my list of meetings for work for the month (I guess the store manager is going on vacation and making several weeks in advance), work on my guitar, clean out my wooden fountain pen (I really want to like this pen… but it is such a hassle to get the ink to flow enough to write with that it is quickly becoming an expensive paperweight) and take photos (I should be uploading to my web site as well).

I am debating about getting another tattoo. I have several ideas on what I want but I am not sure what to do next. I am leaning toward more butterflies. I want to get local butterflies on random spots. I have my Monarch (I get so many compliments on it!) and I really love the detail work he did on it. Soooo I would like to get that same effect all over. The other one I want is something to do with books. I just can’t come up with a good concept. So I guess I can scour my photos for butterflies and see about getting a few.

Another goal today is to clean out my long window box. It will fit in the kitchen windows so my goal is to get the nasty dirt out from the mess I got from work and fill it with the Miracle Gro that I have. From there I will start some seeds going. It is a sunny set of windows and there is a heater vent near by so it will stay warm. I thought about moving George there (he is my new succulent) but it would be awfully lonely for him. He needs direct sunlight so I have him on the shelves by the sliding glass door. I just worry that it is too cold for him. That being said he is doing fine so far. Sooooo….

Ok I had better stop of now. I am just rambling on. I want to thank everyone one for their kind words over the past week. It means a lot. I hope you all have an amazing day. Thanks for reading and stay safe!