anxiety, Creativity, dreams, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Motorcycles, Nature, Photography, Riding, Thinking, Writing

Hocus Pocus I Gotta Find My Focus

This is one of those mornings that my body just aches. I asked Mom if she would mind not going today. Truthfully neither of us can afford a girls day (which is what it would turn into). She just dropped $400 at the vet’s office the other day and I guess her car needs more repairs. I told her she could have what she wanted from the seeds I had gotten for the exchange. So we will try another time to get together.

Lat night I didn’t get much sleep despite the sleep aides. I also had weird dreams when I did sleep. I dreamt of the death of three family members. This was after dreaming of a death night before last. I’m not sure what to make of all the death dreams. I haven’t had them in years.

This morning has dawned cloudy. The sun was out for a bit but a gauze of clouds moved in. Yesterday was beautiful… Everyone was in a good mood too. It was over 40F (4C)! That also helped everyone. A lot of snow got melted between the warmth and the wind. I was eye balling the drive way to see if I could get the motorcycle out if it was nice today. Still a bit thick with snow and ice. But there are shovels around so we’ll see.

I am looking at my list. It is a good list. It is an accurate list. I am hoping it will be a finished list. I already have taken care of two things on there. Most of it is writing. I need to get my head straight with my writing. I am blowing it off and I shouldn’t. That is another reason I wanted to cancel with Mom. I need to stay home and work on my writing. I haven’t done any class work lately either. I need to get my rhythm back. All the emotional drama has got me all over the place. Speaking of which Dad sent a text saying that the only text or email he received was the one he was responding to which was the one asking why he hadn’t responded to anything. I haven’t said anything to him. When I do I will point out the text from me just above that from several days ago asking how he was that got no response. I am trying not to be an ass but I am hurt and frustrated. And I don’t want to talk to him today.

I did get some pretty awesome photos yesterday morning just before dawn. I went out to warm up the car and as I was walking back to the house I happened to see the moon. She was northwest of the house and HUGE! But what made it awesome was that the clouds were flowing over her like she was set in a brook or a river. I went in and grabbed my phone camera and came back and she was gone. I was bummed but I stood out there anyway. After a few minutes the clouds revealed the moon again and I took a bunch of shots as the clouds moved over her. I will share those with you. I am quite pleased with how they turned out.

I should get this online and get writing on my interview and article. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

anxiety, Creativity, Emotions, family, Gardening, Life, Photography, Thinking, Writing

Projects?

Another day. Still no word from Dad. Mom on the other hand has been blowing up my phone. She is all excited about Saturday’s seed exchange in Traverse. I have everything set aside so that all I have to do is remember to grab it. I figure I will get her around 12:30pm (we are scheduled to “shop” between 1 and 2). That will give me a chance to find where we are going. Right now I’d rather stay home but the whole thing was my idea.

I get out of work early today so hopefully I can some photos taken. I didn’t get any yesterday. Before I left I was able to write and send in my article to the paper and just got out of here on time. By the time I got home the sun was already going down (I ended up staying a little late). I did get a lot accomplished last night despite myself. Laundry is done and put away (minus the last load going through the dryer), I got stuff mailed, I got my shower in…. I also have my little list I made before bed of things that need to get done this weekend (another reason I want to stay home). A lot of writing is on there. I have been blowing off quite a few projects. And that bothers me. I think that is another part of my problem. I keep not doing projects so I can do things for and with others then I am angry with myself because my pile just gets bigger. I am even more frustrated because it is all on me. My choices to do or not to do.

Speaking of projects one of my high school friends sent me two flamingo Christmas counted cross stitch patterns to do for Mom. But do I do them for her or would she get more pleasure if she did them herself? I’m not sure which. I know she would love something like that from me but I also know a project like that would make her happy and she would probably finish it in short order (unlike myself). I suppose I could show her and let her decide. That would kill the surprise factor but oh well.

Looking at the clock I guess I should get myself together and get ready for work. I’ll see if I can find some suitable photos to repost. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

anxiety, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Thinking, Writing

Explanations

There was no way I could write yesterday. The only writing I did was in my journal right before bed. What a mess. I am having problems with my words now. I just don’t want to deal with any of this. The long and short of it is that Mom fell down her stairs (from the loft to the living room which is something like 13 stairs) then she had things happen around the house that really freaked her out. So I ended up calling her around midnight to get her calmed down. Two hours later (maybe more as I refused to look at the clock) we hung up and I tried to get some sleep. That didn’t work so well. I called in to work and explained what happened. It was decided that I would get some sleep and call back when I woke up to see if they still needed me. Okie dokie fine. I did that (the girls and I got up at 11am so they could eat then we went back to bed). I got up for the day around 12:30pm or so. Then I saw a text message from Dad. He had a mini heart attack the day before. (I am a bit hurt and angry as I responded as soon as I saw the text but have gotten no response from him yet I told our family in the family chat and he has responded to their queries so I am finding out how he is from them.)

So I really am done adulting. Anyway I called work and to see if they still wanted me to come in and told them about Dad. I was told to go ahead and stay home. The store manager was discreet because one of my coworkers messaged me to see how I was (and to tell me my Girl Scout cookies were there). She asked me if I was feeling better so my manager said I was sick. Which is not what I am used to. I am used to everyone knowing my business. I explained to her what had happened (I guess I am still thinking that people think that I am faking things and I need to prove that I am not…. 15 years of it will ingrain that in you). She was very sympathetic. (It is also easier to explain in the written word that tell it all verbally.)

So I spent the day trying to forget. And stay out of my own head. I played with the girls as much as I could and I watched a lot of tv. I emailed the paper and told them just that Mom had fallen down the stairs and the article would be late. They were fine with that. I plan to try to do the article after I finish this (if I have time). That being said I suppose I should get to it. Atleast the sun is out.

Thanks for reading and thanks for your concern, Stay safe!

Animals, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Nature, Photography, the World, Thinking, Writing

Roaming and Writing (or Roaming in My Writing)

And another day begins. Essie ate part of her breakfast. That is a huge relief for me because she didn’t eat her dinner last night despite not having had breakfast. We still got to bed late despite my best efforts. Lol. If it wasn’t me “oh just one more!” or “Oh just a few more minutes!” then it was a friend online checking on me to make sure I was doing ok. But that’s ok. I am relaxed and I only have the meeting tonight. Dad has things going today so we won’t be able to chat.

Essie is all up and in my business. Hang on… Ok. She’s outside with her frisbee. Goofball. She wants attention and to play all at the same time. I will work on this as I keep an eye on the door for her.

My personal To Do list has a lot of writing on it. It is getting hard to set aside writing time because everyone it getting the shack nasties (aka cabin fever) from being stuck in the house all the time. We are restless for Spring and being outside on a regular basis. The girls want to play and get attention all the time now. Especially after Chris gets up for the day. I feel guilty for not spending more time with them so I blow off my writing. The hard thing is Essie doesn’t like to go for rides so I can’t really do anything outside of the house for her. Stella loves rides but I feel bad leaving Essie.

Mom and I are going to a Seed Exchange this Saturday. I am going to the Dollar General to get some stationary later and I had hoped to pick up some seeds for planting. I may pick up some extra to exchange. I think it is pushing 40F (4C) here and that is nice for us. The snow is beginning to melt. Essie is still outside wandering (another sign of Spring coming).

Ok, she’s back in. My big goal today is to get caught up on my writing. Last night I wrote my little list of goals for the day. If I can get atleast one of my writing projects done (or continued if I start on my novels) I will be happy. My novels…. I have come to a rolling stop with them. At this point I am doing mostly research for the werewolf novel. Since the bulk of it is set in Italy I am having a hard time seeing the surroundings other than the historical places that everyone goes. I know the history but I don’t know the modern Italy. So I spend time looking at photos etc (which would be fine but I can’t print them because my printer is black and white only). My surfing novel… well, I need to get more into the story and what is supposed to be going on. Or where it is headed. It goes one way and it doesn’t feel right. So I try another way and that doesn’t feel right either. I like my characters. (This is another thing I need to do with my werewolf novel… flesh out my characters more.) One novel I have the story and no characters while the other I have characters but no real story.

I did manage to get some photos taken yesterday. The sun came out for a bit and warmed things up enough to melt more snow. Despite that some areas in our yard are still up to poor Essie’s belly. I watched her break trail out in the far back this morning. Well, I will share some pictures and wrap this up. I would blather on for quite a while so I need to stop and try to harness some of that into an article. Thanks for reading! Stay safe!

Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Nature, Photography, Reading, Thinking, Writing

Bits and Bobs

It has been snowing for a few hours now. Bah humbug. I have been reading more blogs this morning than normal (since I finally have my weekend off) and now my coffee is cold. Lol. We slept in til almost 8:30am. I spent a few minutes lounging in bed loving on the girls. I dreamt about Moose last night. I won some kind of coin operated game and got three balls for him to play with. He was a happy boy. The girls were there too.

I finally got photos of the knives I got Chris. I’ll share them on this post. I also got a refund for my shipping from Amazon since the one knife was late. I thought that was a pretty decent thing to do. It showed up the next day and the delay probably wasn’t their fault but I appreciate the gesture.

My one article is set to go live on March 1st. I still have my interview and two reviews to do. I think the interview will be a cut and paste from our exchanges. I started reading the short story collection that she helped put together. It’s very good abut I’m sure it’s not for everyone. In fact I think most of the people I know would put it down in short order. Just because it is very graphic. It deals with body horror. I am enjoying it because it is something new for me. Like I said the writing is very good.

I need to make sure we are out the door and headed to Pearl’s by 3:30pm today. I am rather excited. This will be the second time we’ve eaten out since this whole thing started last year. Speaking of which… I had to check to see if the restaurant that Mom and I went to for her birthday would be open. Looks like we are good to go. We just need to make a reservation.

I have been monkeying with my camera to no avail. I am trying to get the frame rate slowed enough that you can see the snow falling. Right now with both the Nikon and my phone if I take a photo when it is raining or snowing you don’t see the rain or the snow. And the photos I got this morning would’ve been beautiful if I could’ve frozen the snowfall (pardon the pun). Oh ho! It looks as if the sun is trying to come out!

Well geez. Essie is all up in my business! I got up to take a few photos (with both the Nikon and the phone) and she heard the shutter clicks and thought I was done in here for now. So I guess I’d better stop here so I can add the various photos and thus go spend time with her. Lol. Thanks for reading! Thanks for caring! Stay safe!

Books, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Nature, Photography, Reading, retail, the World, Thinking, Writing

Pinball Mind

I feel like I am on an island chronicling my stay. Lol. Day 6 of 6. The end is in sight! I close tonight then I have the next two days off. I am so tired though… I will get sleep tonight. I will not binge watch CSI. Lol. I do have a new short story collection that got released today. It dropped on my Kindle this morning so I made sure that it downloaded.

Sweet…. I forgot (with everything I had going on this week) that I had a meeting next Tuesday. Thus I had not handed in a note for my schedule next week. But I just sent a text to the store manager and he has taken care of it. It still feels weird to have my job take care of me.

I find that I am feeling better now that I am journaling again as well as doing this. So I guess I need to keep it up. I had a good talk with Mom last night. We took some trips down memory lane. She was really pleasant. Not that she isn’t normally but she was very positive and good energies. It was good conversation.

I am sorry this is a rambling piece. I am just so ready for a day off that my mind is all over the place. I got the plants watered this morning before I did this. My orange plant and my avocados are doing really well too. I got both of the orchids watered. One takes four ice cubes in her pot and the smaller one gets soaked in water for 15 minutes.

I worry about friends and family in Texas. They currently have Michigan weather and they are not at all equipped for it. Not even the transplants. It will be a wild ride for everyone this winter it seems.

I’ve not done much with the camera this week. I have taken some photos of the girls and my plants with my phone. I will probably share those instead of repeating some of my outdoor shots. Since I have all the focus of a bee on a windscreen I am gonna wrap this up. Stay safe and thanks for reading!

Animals, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Life, Movies, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Writing

A Little Better?

I finally wrote everything out in my journal. I feel a little better. Yesterday work was a mad house and that didn’t help. I couldn’t fall asleep until late. I just need to get through today and tomorrow. A friend at work has gotten us seating at on of the local restaurants for Saturday at 4pm. Yesterday was our 30th anniversary but we will be celebrating this weekend.

I got one article written and submitted and the interview questions sent out before work yesterday. When I got home (about half an hour late due to craziness at work) I printed the questions as well as her responses. I’ll read it over and tweak things. Then I can copy and paste things sprinkling what I need in. Hopefully I can submit it by tonight (I work til 3pm so I should be able to pull it off).

I am hoping I make it to work right now. My tummy isn’t doing too well. Since work is so close I’ll probably go to work and see what happens.

I mentioned earlier that we were celebrating our anniversary this weekend instead of on the day. I had hoped to have his two gifts for the actual day but no joy, I got him two Damascus knives that he wanted. I’ll share photos when they arrive. I received a leather satchel (buffalo hide) and a lovely leather journal. My satchel resembles the one Indian Jones carried in Raiders of the Lost Ark, one of my favorite movies.

I am going to wrap this up for today. Thanks for reading and your continued support! Stay safe! ❤️

anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, Life, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Writing

Rambles

It’s funny how I can fake not hurting when I talk to people but when I write I feel everything. I should be happy today but I’m not. I feel even more hurt. I can’t hide it in my writing. I’ve tried. I tried writing about other things and can’t get past one sentence and it all dries up. So I guess I will let out a little of the hurt on to the page and see if that helps.

Yesterday I tried my best to be happy and I faked it pretty well. Everyone seemed to think that I was back to my old self. But as I told my manager it was either do that or cry. I haven’t told anyone why. Telling the story just makes it hurt more. And I get enough random reminders via the news and local conversations. I just feel like one big emotional bruise.

But I have things to accomplish today. I promised the writer that I am interviewing that I would send her the interview questions (she is sick and doesn’t want to share) either last night or today. I also have to atleast get two articles written for my online editor. I hate that I have put them off but there was just no way I could write anything. But I have people that I promised articles to and I need to step up. Maybe this will help I don’t know.

Only two more days until I get my next day off. I am very excited that it is so close. Even though most of my shifts are shorter it is still a long stretch for me. The sun is out again today. Full and bright this time. I think that will help. Essie is already bugging me to play (she let me sleep until 8:30am this morning). So I guess I’d better wrap this up so I can get things written. I did take a few photos this morning while the girls ate and went potty. I’ll add those. Thanks for listening to me ramble and thank you to those that have reached out over the past few posts. I really appreciate it. Stay safe.

Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, Life, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Writing

Holding On

I feel marginally better. Mentally I am still a mess but it has been contained somewhat. The highlight of yesterday is that the furnace went out on us. It was 54F (12C) in the house by the time it was going again. Outside it was even colder (in the negative with windchill). Work was freezing for everyone as well. Today won’t be much better as I am carry out so I will be doing a lot more outside.

In my dreams last night I was taking photographs with my Nikon from a small cruise ship at sunset. And it must have been Spring because it was chilly still but things were blooming and the colors were beautiful.

I’m watching the various birds peck away at the bark on the maple trees making bare spots in some areas. I feel a lot like the maples. Like I am being picked at and bits and pieces torn off.

I still haven’t written the articles and reviews. I am grateful for an understanding editor. I got up early (I couldn’t get to sleep and stay there) to do this and try to do one of the articles. We’ll see what happens. I know Essie wants some attention (I didn’t do much before work yesterday).

I just don’t know what else to write. I am trying to be optimistic but that will only get me so far. Not having Moose to help me through this is making it worse. He would always be by my side and cuddle when I needed to. The girls will but only for so long. Moose never cared as long as he was with me. I’d better stop here before I get to crying again. Thanks for reading and being patient with my meanderings. Stay safe.