Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, Exercise, family, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, Tattoos, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Through the Looking Glasses

Well we now have around a foot (30cm) of snow. It came down hard over the course of yesterday. It lays in thick drifts all over, even in the trees. Stella looks so lonely when she goes out now. I wonder how Spring will be. I am thinking of getting her a harness and then she and I start going for walks at the local park. It will get both of us out. I mentioned it to Chris to see if he wants to go along.

Laundry is wreaking havoc in the utility room by the sounds of it. Things keep falling off the machine as it spins the clothes out. I have no idea why. It is not a different load than normal. Stella keeps getting spooked when something crashes to the floor. I think she is realizing that Essie isn’t coming home again. I am not sure how she is dealing with it. Over the past week or so they both got very jealous of each other. They could be close at times but I just don’t know. I also don’t know how she will react the next time she goes to the vet. Normally she likes to go because she is a very social girl but after this? I know that there was a big change in the dogs when I brought Minion’s body home. After that they didn’t want to go to the vet’s.

I just have to get through today and I have 2 days off. I am going to need my alone time to process everything. I am also going to design Essie’s memorial tattoo. It will be her paw in my hand (I have a photo) and I am getting under my left bicep so that when I put my arm down I she is next to my heart. I am also using some of her ashes in the ink. I want to come up with a tattoo that represents all of my fur babies over the years. I am thinking of maybe just a never-ending line of script of all their names. Just have it wrap around my body. I will also need to see how much this will cost. I have to make sure bills get paid.

The house is so quiet. Essie was such a big personality…. Stella is busy but it is a different energy than Essie. And the fact that we are all cooped up in the house doesn’t help. I wonder what Stella will do Wednesday when we are both gone to work. Tuesday night I have a meeting (please self don’t forget the meeting) so it will be a small taste for her on her own. I worry about her. I worry about all of us. Maybe I will take Stella for a ride tomorrow. Just a drive around then back home to get her out. I still have the blanket in the back seat from Essie (my seat covers are cold this time of year).

I think I will wrap this up and see if I can do some work on my novel. Thanks for reading and I really appreciate the outpouring of love. Much love back to you all! Stay safe.

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Another Broken January

My heart hurts. It is way too early and I am exhausted. Both girls are out here with me. Essie has a vet appointment at 3:30pm. And I think I have made the decision. She has too much that is going on right now. Too much is going wrong. We are up this early because Essie woke me at 5am panting heavily slamming her hear against me. It was like she couldn’t get up. I had to pull her away from Stella and just pet her for a bit. Even then she wouldn’t get up. Finally I went and got a big glass of water (she has been panting this whole time… and yes I realize that panting is a sign of pain in dogs) and that finally got her up. I let her out for a few minutes and when she came back in she got a drink. She wouldn’t go back to bed so I got my stuff and we came out here. I am so tired but when I tried to lay down on the couch (Essie left the couch and went to sleep on the loveseat since it is leather and cooler) sleep would not come. I just laid there and listened to her breathe. Then Stella came out and instead of curling up on the empty spot Essie had left at my feet decided to stand on me. I asked if they wanted breakfast and here we are. They are both sleeping and I am typing away.

Yesterday was filled with blessings despite my phone call to the vet. My Aunt made me a blanket and included two little buddies as a surprise. My Bath and Body Works order arrived (I love the smell of the coconut and sandalwood soap and they finally got more in and they were on sale cheap). One of my regulars at work who is an artist brought me more rocks that he had painted (he has given me several over the past few months as he cleans out his old work). I am being teased that my totem animal must be a penguin since all these guys keep bringing me rocks.

When Chris gets up I am going to give Essie a lot of tea kettle and then I got them bones. I will tell him to love on our baby girl as best he can. I don’t know if I am making the right decision but I can see that she is starting to suffer and I don’t want that for her. She scared the hell out of me this morning. I refuse to go to the emergency vet because I will be required to just drop her off at the door. I am not sending her in there by herself. The last time she was there was for stitches. She won’t be happy. She won’t be happy either way but my vet will let me come in with a mask. They understand and care. Here come the water works. I am trying not to cry because I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. Nor do I want to wake Chris.

Laundry is going since I need jeans for today. I was hoping to put things off with Essie until Monday since I have Monday and Tuesday off (I have a meeting Tuesday night but I can hang at the back on my own) but I guess I will have to deal with people raw. I think they will understand but I can’t turn my emotions on and off like a light switch. I really hate Januarys.

I am shocked that it is still pitch dark out. I had better stop here. In my current mental state I could go on for a long time. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, the World, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Cruising In Neutral

I can tell it’s my day off. I am in no particular rush to do anything. I got up late but I was able to read some new (and old) blog posts from you folks. I even found a few new ones to follow! It has been nice no trying to power read through things.

It still feels off, like yesterday. This even carried over to work (things were really off there). The feeling is not as strong as yesterday but something has changed. I am not sure what but I’m sure I will find out eventually.

It seems odd to be writing about milk but I am using “real” milk if you will. It is from a local farm and comes in glass bottles. It is also a little pricey. Why would I buy this just from my coffee? Because it literally was all we had. I am trying to get used to a thicker and creamier milk (the regular stuff is closer to a white liquid). It is good for several days but the way it is reminds me of when the stuff I normally drink (ok buy since I am not a big milk drinker) is going bad. I have to keep telling myself that the milk is still good it is just different. Maybe I need to use this tack on myself with change?

Mom and I were supposed to get together today but she said I should stay home. I am still debating about going into Traverse just to get out on my own for a bit. But then I consider everyone else. What if I don’t get home until after Chris leaves for work? I don’t want to leave the girls alone (I sound like my Mother here) and I don’t want to miss time with Chris. See how that works? I just talked myself out of going anywhere. (I may go to Dollar General just to walk around. I do need to get out some place out of my normal routine. Or maybe to Gilroy’s and see if they have gotten any seeds in yet.) I use others as a crutch or a pry bar if I need an excuse to go out. Never for me.

If I go out I think I might take my camera. If I do that then I can go to the parks around here and see if I can get some photos. I have been very lax as to my photography. I should continue my DVD lessons. That will be after Chris goes to work. (And I will need to tell myself that the girls won’t suffer from lack of play time if I just do a few lessons. Are you listening Self?)

I have been thinking about doing something with my hair. I’m not sure what. Since I am happy with the length maybe play with the color? Purple is my favorite color so I thought maybe some purple streaks. Something to brighten my mood. If I do streaks then I won’t really have any maintenance because I am not very good with that. As a matter of fact I have an honorary Dude Card because I am very much like a guy in many of my attitudes, lol.

I had better get this posted or I will go on forever it seems today. I hope you all have fab day! Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Friends, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, the World, Thinking, Writing

Feeling Like a Bad Spice Cake, Too Much of Everything

I just can’t seem to get enough sleep lately. No matter what time I go to bed I feel the same when I get up. Last night I slept especially hard and I honestly feel awful right now. Today will be a 10 hour day but I have tomorrow off. I honestly have no idea what I should do tomorrow. There is so much that needs to be done around here. The only thing I have kept up on is laundry.

The sun is out and I don’t really want it to be. It can be a dark dreary day today. There are plenty of clouds still out. Did I mention all I want to do is sleep? With everything going around at work I will be upset if I get sick again. Not surprised though. I watch people cough either right out without covering their face or they cough into their hand and then touch things. And this from some of the ones that “can’t afford to get sick.” (*eye roll*)

I had a bit of news last night that was well…. unsettling. For me atleast. For most people they would be over the moon and excited and proud and….. Then there’s me. My eldest son (the one I just started keeping in touch with last year) messaged me that he and his wife are expecting. I can’t wrap my head around that. I messaged Mom but she is very blah about it. (I told her briefly about Essie and that I might not answer messages for a bit. I don’t really want to talk to her about Essie because the last scare we had with Essie Mom (well intentioned) told me I needed to do what was best for Essie. If she does that right now I know that I will lay into her. She has no place to tell me that after some of the things she…. no. I am not going there.) I want to tell her that Essie is doing well but I dread the possibility of “that” conversation.

I got some work done on the novel yesterday. Frustratingly enough I seem to have made more backstory questions for myself. Even if the reader never knows about half of what I have created I need to have the history of this village in my head and/or on paper. I have to laugh. For every page of novel I write I end up with two or three pages of backstory that I have to come up with! On the plus side I am very interested in the characters and their backstory so it is not a chore to get to the nuts and bolts of things.

I guess I should wrap things up. I want to try to wake up before work. I am closing manager so I need to be focused and alert. Not dozing. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

So What’s Gonna Happen?

There is good news and bad news from yesterday’s vet visit. The bad news is that there is a mass on Essie’s liver that is pushing things around. The good news is that it is hopefully not cancer. Hopefully. Surgery will be too much for her so we are trying to treat it with medication. I am to call the vet if she has anything change. This morning she scared the hell out of me. It is a bitter cold here and I let the girls out to go potty after breakfast. I kept an eye on them just incase paws got too cold. Not only did Essie stop part way in and pick up her front right paw but she suddenly collapsed on to her butt. I threw boots on and went flying out there to scoop her up. When I got out there she had gotten up and made it another foot or so toward the house. Right now both girls are tucked in under blankets and sleeping. Essie’s breathing was weird for a bit and it was hard not to go off the deep end. Stella is being very jealous. I hope this does not create a problem like we had before where they are fighting.

I did make it to last night’s meeting (which was blessedly short) but I just don’t have it in me to write the article. I probably will once I get this posted. I just don’t really want to do anything except curl up into a little ball. I got work on my novel done yesterday morning. About a page but it is something. I don’t know if I will have a chance this morning or not. I have two hours before work and I have the article and a few other things I need to do around here yet. I have no idea how much sleep I will get tonight as I am working at 7am tomorrow morning. Well I am manager so 6:30am so I can get the tills in and such before we open.

If this is any indication as to how 2022 is going to go… I have tried to be positive but this is making things a tad more difficult. I just feel so overwhelmed. I don’t want to adult anymore. 🙄 But I have to. I should wrap this up so that I can get that article written and sent in. I won’t have much time over the weekend (little to no quiet time) so I might as well take advantage of things now. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Gardening, Holiday, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, Reading, the World, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Love In A Snow Storm

We awoke to several inches of snow. Within 45 minutes the flakes had gone from coarse salt size to the size of a nickel. Then it went in the opposite direction. It is in the process of getting larger right now. Essie spent a good amount of time patrolling the fence line. Mostly at the back and she began and ended her patrols at Moose’s grave.

I called the vet yesterday morning. Essie has an appointment at 2pm. Since she hasn’t done anything but pee it will be x-rays right out of the gate. We are worried about a blockage. I am glad I saved my Christmas money. So I guess Essie and I will leave a little early and get that money deposited. I’m pretty sure it will all go toward her vet bill. I just hope and pray that I don’t have to make “that” decision. That scares me to death.

I didn’t get much done yesterday. I did water plants and do laundry (although the last load is in the dryer still). The girls and I went out to Moose’s grave for a bit and shared some banana chips with him. It was chilly enough I put coats on the girls since we were going to be out for a while. They had a good romp.

I got a surprise Christmas gift from Chris yesterday that helped to cheer me up. A little bit ago he purchased himself a light saber. He really enjoyed it and was doing his forms again (one of the things I always loved was watching him work through his sword forms). But apparently he wants someone to play with (these are ones that you can connect with but not full contact if you see what I mean). I have a thing for rooting for the bad guys a lot and that was the case when it came to Darth Maul in the new Star Wars movies (which I am not a big fan of, I prefer to stop at the first three… which technically are not the first in the story 🙄). So that is what I have. Darth Maul’s double saber. This set up has all kinds of bells and whistles that I have to figure out (volume being a big one… those things are loud when they talk to you!) but there are things like various sounds you can make (right now they sound like a traditional light saber when I move them through the air and I can make it sound like I am repelling laser gun fire) as well as being able to change the saber colors (I have gone with my favorite of red on both). So that will give me something to play with. It is quite large and heavy when both sabers are together but that will just strengthen my wrists. I think a lot of time will be spent outside once it starts to warm up (I will actually be able to get him out of his office! lol). And that is not a bad thing for either of us.

But my thoughts keep coming back to Essie. I am trying to plan things out in my head so I am not making decisions on emotion only on the spur of the moment. As much as it hurts I am trying to think things out. I want her to leave this world at home. She is terrified of going to the vet. And with the new restrictions in place I don’t think I would be let in and I am NOT leaving her alone with that. So I guess I would set something up to have them come out to the house. The next question is what are we going to do with the body? I would prefer to bury her out back with Moose but the ground is frozen solid. I don’t know if we can right now. I hate to send her away to be cremated. That will require some more thought.

I am sorry to be thinking out loud on this. My fingers are typing what is going on in my head without much filter this morning. My heart is feeling so brittle right now. One blow and it could shatter. I find myself looking at my Winnie-the-Pooh bracelet that I got myself. It says You are Braver than you believe-Stronger than you seem and Smarter than you think. I am not feeling any of that at the moment. (For those of you wondering where in the world that is in Winnie-the-Pooh it is what Pooh tells Piglet when Piglet’s house is flooding and he is freaking out (this is in the original books mind you, Pooh gives him a similar speech in the Disney movie). Pooh may have been a bear of very little brain but he sure was a smart one. ❤️ Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Gardening, Guitar, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Music, Nature, Photography, retail, Tattoos, the World, Thinking, Writing

Contemplations: Life, Love, Happiness and Banana Chips

Moose’s anniversary started with a beautiful sunrise. Once I got Essie out after eating she did the strangest thing. She was sniffing along the back fence line like she was looking for something. She stopped right at Moose’s grave and just stood and stared. Then she woofed and bounced at his grave like something was there. I thought maybe she saw a deer or something but there was nothing there.

I bought some banana chips to share with Moose today. It was our special treat together. It was one of the few things we could still share together after the got sick. Stella will eat them but Essie mostly won’t. That’s ok.

Essie still hasn’t gone potty that we have seen but we have missed a lot. This morning was a good example. I kept repeating that I needed to watch her while she was outside but I completely forgot because Stella decided that she wasn’t going out so I was trying to convince her to go out when I realized that Essie had been out for a few minutes already. When I got to the door all she was doing was sniffing around. But I will try my best to keep a closer eye on her the rest of the day.

In bed last night I made another to do list. It is all pretty straight forward. Things like work on my novel, make my list of meetings for work for the month (I guess the store manager is going on vacation and making several weeks in advance), work on my guitar, clean out my wooden fountain pen (I really want to like this pen… but it is such a hassle to get the ink to flow enough to write with that it is quickly becoming an expensive paperweight) and take photos (I should be uploading to my web site as well).

I am debating about getting another tattoo. I have several ideas on what I want but I am not sure what to do next. I am leaning toward more butterflies. I want to get local butterflies on random spots. I have my Monarch (I get so many compliments on it!) and I really love the detail work he did on it. Soooo I would like to get that same effect all over. The other one I want is something to do with books. I just can’t come up with a good concept. So I guess I can scour my photos for butterflies and see about getting a few.

Another goal today is to clean out my long window box. It will fit in the kitchen windows so my goal is to get the nasty dirt out from the mess I got from work and fill it with the Miracle Gro that I have. From there I will start some seeds going. It is a sunny set of windows and there is a heater vent near by so it will stay warm. I thought about moving George there (he is my new succulent) but it would be awfully lonely for him. He needs direct sunlight so I have him on the shelves by the sliding glass door. I just worry that it is too cold for him. That being said he is doing fine so far. Sooooo….

Ok I had better stop of now. I am just rambling on. I want to thank everyone one for their kind words over the past week. It means a lot. I hope you all have an amazing day. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Food, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Writing

The Struggle Is Real

I just need to get through this shift. This past seven days have been crap. With the exception of the time spent with Chris. I want tomorrow to come because it is my day off. I don’t want it to come because of what it represents. I am hoping for a solid night of sleep tonight. I have been up and down all night.

I am not sure what to do about Essie. Is she sick or is she feeding off of my anxieties? I was able to coax her to eat some breakfast but I had to go get her off the couch to do it. Stella of course kept trying to get to Essie’s bowl when she would stop eating. I had to keep poking my head out of the utility room to keep an eye on things. Which it sounds as though the dryer stopped. Hang on while I check to make sure my jeans are actually dry for work.

Even though I got up a little early I still feel like I am running around. Laundry got folded and the last batch went in to the dryer. I got the girls fed and outside (although I need to see if Essie is going potty or not and she keeps disappearing on me… if she’s not then I need a vet appointment). I am working on this. I snapped some photos after I checked the dryer so I will have something new for you. Ironically the sun is actually going to be out today. And I won’t be able to see it. I am hoping it will be out tomorrow. I need to fortify the house for tomorrow so that I don’t need to go anywhere. If necessary I will talk to the vet on the phone and see if there is even anything that they can do. It might just be a natural progression. I forgot to give her pumpkin this morning. I will give her a spoonful before I leave. Speaking of which I need to wrap this up and get out the door. Thanks for reading and stay safe.

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Books, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Friends, Holiday, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, Reading, retail, the World, Thinking, Writing

Looking Through the Dark

Here we are. Another post in the dark. I have both girls out here with me. I guess this is the new routine. I feel bad not sitting with Stella on the love seat because Essie is on the couch and her tummy is gurgling so I am worried.

Today I don’t have any responsibilities today. That being said I might see if I can squeak out early. The coverage will be there. If we are dead like yesterday I may. I miss the family. Everyone at work understands why I am suddenly quiet and out of sorts.

I came home last night and pretty much went straight to bed after feeding the girls. I asked Chris not to feed them before I got home as I wanted to give Essie some more pumpkin to help with her issues. I did read for a bit and Chris would come in and talk about things while he played with the girls. Despite it all I had a hard time getting to sleep. I am hoping tonight will be different. Part of it is me only seeing the dark when I leave for work and come home. It has thrown my internal clack off. I am like the dogs so when it gets dark I start to get sleepy. I am not a fan of the dark all the time. The constantly overcast days are bad enough.

I read all your posts and everyone is so positive and looking forward to new things in the new year. Here I am struggling just to make it through the first week. No pictures again so I will see if I can get some repeats. Thanks for reading and all your kind comments. Stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Dogs, Emotions, family, Holiday, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, retail, Thinking, Writing

New Year?

I had planned on staying up til midnight then just hopping in bed but my heart wasn’t in it. Essie hadn’t been well most of the day. So I decided to curl up in bed and read. At the appropriate time I took my medicine and turned out the light. Everytime I’d fall asleep something would wake me up. Then it would take me an hour or longer to fall back asleep only to have something else wake me up. I was able to sleep solid from around 6:15am until my reset alarm went off at 7am.

I have no idea what the day will hold. Essie did eat breakfast. Both girls are out here with me in the living room as I write this on my phone. I am the only manager today since we are only open 9-6. This will also be my first bout with using the alarm system.

I really don’t want to go to work. I would like to sleep. Depending on how Essie is over the next few days I may or may not be taking her to the vet on Tuesday. I hope not because I won’t cope well on that day.

I didn’t get any photos taken between Essie and talking to Dad. So this might be an all text post. I need to see what is on the Nikon. Thanks for reading and stay safe.