Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Food, Friends, Gardening, Life, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Writing

Random Ins And Outs

The morning has dawned in reverse. I woke up and the sky to the west was brighter than the sky to the east. The eastern sky was covered in thick clouds. Those clouds have since covered everything and it is now a steady rain. We heard a brief rumble of thunder but nothing since. Both the girls have been a bit on edge since.

I got the call this morning. My procedure will be at 9am tomorrow. Which means I won’t get much sleep tonight. Nothing but liquids today. I am getting a headache because I am so hungry. Jello and clear liquids just don’t fill the hole. The early time also means that I have no idea when this will get written tomorrow. I have to be up at 4am to drink the last of the prep.

I brought all my plants in last night. I was going to get just too cold. But now when do I put them back out? Hmmm… I guess they are staying in tonight as well. I looked at the forecast and it doesn’t look good. We have about reached the warmest we will get today and it is still early morning. The flip side of all this is that this cold rain will bring out the colors.

I keep thinking of my friend Linda that I lost last month. Wow. I think it has been a month since we lost her, to the day. A woman came up to the gas window the other day and I had to look twice. She looked so much like Linda. I really miss her. I still have the texts we sent each other. I can’t bring myself to delete them.

I suppose I should wrap this up. I am just dawdling around on here because my anxiety is starting to kick in. And there isn’t anything I can do about it. Not even eat any comfort food. Well here goes… Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Writing

Strange Times

I can’t believe that September is almost gone. When did that happen? The weather still says Summer her so I am grateful. I will be content to have it as long as it wants to stay.

Stella has been weird this morning. After breakfast she went out with Essie but came in first. She was at my side constantly after that. She followed me to get my laptop out of my office and sat while I did my thing on here beside me getting scratched. She normally hangs out on the couch or outside. Essie followed me around until after breakfast.

The day just feels weird. I didn’t want to wake up at all today. Every time I did I glanced at the clock and decided a little more sleep was needed. The last time I fell asleep I dreamed of Moose. I got to love and play with my Baby Boy again. To compound things I just can’t seem to wake up. Coffee isn’t really doing much.

I think I did too much yesterday. My body let me do things without too much issue yesterday but I am paying for it today. Oh well. Hopefully we can figure out something else on the 30th. Reminds me I need to write this on the calendar or I will forget to request it off. It is frustrating that to get something taken care of you have to have multiple appointments with various doctors but the appointments are spread out so far that things just get worse and worse. Then when you finally get to the next doctor it is past anything they can do for you. “If I’d only be able to see you sooner…” Yeah no kidding. 😠

I think I will try to do some work on the novel. I think I have enough time to do that. I close tonight but I have to be there at noon so it will be one of my long days. Just three more days and I get my four days off. (Don’t be too impressed. The first two are for the colonoscopy.) Ok. Time to wrap this up if I am going to get anything else done. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Writing

Time, Why Do You Go So Fast?

The sun is out but it was chilly enough for the furnace to come on. I may need to figure out where to start bringing my plants in very soon. My plans last night were a complete wash. Dad insisted that we talk so I didn’t get anything done. But would I have done anything if left to my own devices? I’d like to think so but I don’t really know.

Days are just going too fast. Even when I get things done it seems like weeks have passed and I need to do it again. It feels as though there is time to everything in the morning but I blink and it is nightfall and nothing was accomplished. I feel guilty for taking a day to relax even though I need to. I did get dishes and laundry done. I did a bit of gardening in one of the front gardens.

Stella kept barking at things last night. There were lights again but I think it was someone turning around in our driveway versus a flashlight like the other night. But she would hear something and growl and then bark as she left the bed and went to the kitchen window to bark some more. Right now she is asleep on her back behind me on the loveseat.

Our young male cardinal is back at the feeder. He is becoming redder and redder as Fall comes on. He doesn’t have his head crest yet though. I believe there is a young female that comes here too. I will need to put the feeder back into the trees soon. I try to keep it up there during the winter so the birds have some kind of shelter to eat in when the weather gets bad.

I think I will wrap this up and try to get something done on my novel. Wish me luck! Lol. No gardening just the novel. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Automotive, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Writing

Up And Down We Go

Today’s major task is to balance what I need to do with rest. My back was bad enough at work that I asked to go home. I should’ve probably gone to ER but I can’t add a big chunk of money to my already expanding medical bills (it’s about $300). So here I am. I do have the day off. I do also plan to call to try to get an appointment with my GP (this is only $40).

Yesterday just felt like a disaster for me. It feels like so much went wrong. And it’s not so much that things went wrong as they changed in rapid order. Home, work…. me.

The girls got a special treat yesterday. I tore up three rotisserie chickens for wraps. They only save the clean white meat for those. I hated to just toss them into the trash so I put them in a baggie and that was their dinner. Happy girls! Essie channeled her inner Moose. She laid on the bed and I held the bowl for her as she ate. (It kind of freaked me out that she did that. She always insisted on getting down and going to the kitchen to eat.) But it was a little something special for them.

Oh, so the interior lights in my car (the ones you can turn on and off) are NOT my friend. This is the second time I was searching for some thing in my car and forgot to turn them off. And went to leave the next day with a dead battery. This time was even more irritating because I told myself I needed to remember to turn them off. I still forgot (I was searching for my phone that had fallen out… not in the car but in the driveway). So Chris was a jewel and jumped Angus so I could go to work. Sadly despite my best efforts it didn’t charge anything that short distance. So after work Sunday I had to message him to once again come and jump Angus so I could come home. And after that shift (it was now after 10pm because I was closing manager) I was just wiped out. I had no tears left to cry.

I did get some fun photos last night. I didn’t try any filters but I just changed the mode and that kept the shutter open longer for more light. I think they turned out pretty good. I also found a wild looking maple leaf that was turning it’s colors. Oh and I got my Kitchen Witch from an artist friend of mine. I’ll share that too, She smells like cinnamon (the Kitchen Witch, not my friend 😉). Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Change In Plans

I am guessing another storm will be rolling through this morning. Both girls are on the couch together. Essie was by the bedroom door but got up on the couch, something she usually doesn’t do. I have been hearing rumblings through out the morning. The wind has been steady and strong.

Chris has finished cleaning out what will be his Dad’s room. Only it won’t be. After a lengthily discussion with his siblings it was decided that it will be best to get their Dad medical attention first. There is concern over his cancer coming back as well as other issues. So for now Chris is just going down to see what he can do to help. There is relief but still we are concerned about his health. So.

Yesterday’s projects got partially done. I did mess around with my camera (my filters only work on my short lens), I did talk to both my parents, laundry and dishes got done. I did not mow the yard, learn how to refill my ink for my fountain pens or work on my novel (every time I tried something came up). I’m not happy with myself for what I did not get done. But there are only so many hours in the day. I have tomorrow off and will probably get out early tonight so I will try again.

I should wrap this up so I can head out for the meeting. I hope there is no storm but something is brewing out there. I’ll share some of the photos I took with the different filters and such. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Writing

Knowing The Unknowable

A day at home. I hope. I have a meeting tonight that will not be Zoom so I have requested that someone else go. My back hates those seats and tomorrow morning’s meeting will be longer on those same seats. So if I only do one meeting I am hoping to limit the pain. We’ll see if anyone can do it. I am frustrated because the other night meetings do Zoom but not this one. I hate to step back from my meetings. I am also unsure as to what I can do once my Father-in-law arrives. The Zoom meetings won’t be a problem but I’m not sure about the in person ones. I don’t know if I want to leave him alone. But that will be next month. Hopefully we will be settled into our various routines.

Why is it that in the beginning I had all these good thoughts and ideas regarding the move now my mind is just focusing on all the things that could go wrong? I was wide awake at 3:30am. I took a sleeping pill but I didn’t manage to get back to sleep until after 5:30am. Every time I would start to drift off my brain would spit out a “what if” and I would be wide awake again.

Today’s goals are to get the backyard mowed (I know it will screw with my back but it needs to be done before the move), work on my novel, work on using my new lenses (I am going to try not to get frustrated… some photo opportunities only “happen” and won’t pause while I switch lenses), learn how to use my various fountain pens (they have refillable cartridges and there seems to be some trick to doing it that I don’t know so I have a DVD on how to do it from the set Mom gave me) and talk to Dad. I will try to talk to him on Wednesday as well. I am not sure when I will be able to again once the move happens. Dad and I can have very open conversations and I am not sure how the father-in-law will be regarding that. Talking on the phone is an option but a very expensive one. An hour will be several hundred dollars and we usually talk for several hours. I can’t afford that. Facetime is free. So.

I am trying to adjust by not thinking about it. Which gets my mind thinking about it. The closer we get to the date the more anxious I become. I know it is the same for Chris… all the “what-ifs” that could happen as well as a game plan for what will happen (such as getting him into the doctor for a general check up).

Right, this novel is not going to write itself nor will the experiences happen without me so I’d better get back to it. Thank you for all your support and for being a constant reader! Stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Pushing Through The Walls

Ok. I give. Between my physical pain and mental anxiety I feel broken. Right now everything is out of my control and I feel broken. I can barely walk in the mornings. My feet are swollen enough that even the bottoms are rounded so it is easier to lose my balance. Everything hurts when I try to get up in the morning. (I’m not complaining this is just my reality right now.) I am also second guessing having my Father-in-law stay with us. It is a done deal at this point. I can’t back out but everything that could go wrong is now playing in my head. Add to that the anxiety of not having Chris for about a week.

I am trying to find joy in the small things. I got my handmade wooden fountain pen. I was so excited last night! Then I could not figure out how to use it. The ink cartridge that was sent it very small and doesn’t seem to fit anywhere. The second cartridge is a refillable one. I have not yet mastered that ability (I do have two other pens that have this so I need to get watching the DVD that came with the one on how to do it). I am tempted to try one of my other cartridges to see if it will work. I would like to use it. I am hoping I could use it on the leather journal that Chris got me. The pages are handmade so finding a pen to write on it is a bit difficult because of the rough and unevenness of the paper.

Another small thing, out of my multitude of rocks and stones I pulled out a Petoskey stone and I thought about polishing it by hand. Literally. Using my hands to slowly polish and smooth the stone with the natural oils in my skin. Well I got a heck of a start last night! I am very pleased with how it is turning out. I didn’t think to take a before photo but I will share some of how it is coming along. It has become darker and different aspects are getting a lot more defined.

I truly don’t want to go to work. My body feels like it is trying to pull in on itself. I just want to stay home and rest. I do have tomorrow off but I have a meeting that night. Thankfully it is via Zoom. The one the next morning will be in person and I will have to work that night. But I believe I have the following day off. I am trying not to think of next weekend. There will probably be a lot of tears shed on my part. Thankfully I will have the dogs with me. The girls have been trying to get our mind off of things with love and constantly wanting to play. I had better wrap this up for now. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Big Changes For Love

This morning has dawned with sun and blue sky. There are some fat fluffy white clouds but nothing too intimidating. It didn’t get very warm yesterday. But I was able to stand in the sun and feel very good. Atleast until more clouds rolled in. I don’t really want to go to work tonight. I would rather stay home and try to get everything where it needs to be. Chris is leaving a week from tomorrow to drive to Missouri to get his Dad. It has been about 10 years since we have been apart for more than a few hours. It will be several days. I am not looking forward to that. The week after that will be colonoscopy (yay) but then I will have the following week off to help get everyone acclimated. I have only one meeting that week so I should be able to spend most of my time with the family.

I am both excited and nervous about having my Father-in-law. I believe that we are doing what is best for him. He doesn’t belong in a home. He has no family contact living in Missouri (there are phone calls and a random visit here or there but no one lives near him). We are hoping that being around people (especially family) will help. He deserves a chance to live.

I’m sure we will get on each others nerves at one point or another but we have rooms with doors that shut so it’s not like we will be in constant contact. I think the hardest thing is going to be resetting our routines. I need my quiet when writing but I may have to figure out another routine. Or learn to write with noise. I remember before I would go to a coffee shop or bookstore to write. So I can write with sounds going on around me. I have no idea what my Father-in-law’s routines are or if he has any. It will be a learning process for us all. But I am happy to have him as part of our home. I would rather do that than send him to a retirement home. He doesn’t deserve that when we have a place here for him.

I should wrap this up so I can try to get some work in on the novel. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Life, Nature, retail, Thinking, Writing

Time Moving Too Fast

By the time I got home yesterday all the pain I was in put me in a bad headspace. Working in the deli was just too much. The owner of the store came in and was talking to me. He said that if I needed some time off to just let them know. That was early in my shift so I said I should be ok but I would keep them in the loop. I was still feeling pretty good. By the end of the night I was miserable and could barely walk.

It is a cold morning here. I am not ready for the cold. Even more so because I need to find a place to keep my plants over the winter. It is cold enough that I covered Stella up with a blanket. She just pulled it tighter around herself with her teeth. The sky is overcast. The sun really came out and warmed things up yesterday evening. I am hoping for a bit of sun today.

Things are still moving forward with the house clean up. I vacuumed the house when I got home. i figured I was miserable already so why not. And it would be one less thing to do today. I also got a bunch of things put away. Today I am going to try to find my office. A lot of stuff has been getting dumped in there. I didn’t bother to vacuum in there. Mostly because I had no floor. I am hoping to move those piles so I can have some private space.

The flip side is that I do need to take a day to relax. Things are moving along here and I am doing as much as I can but I need a break. Mentally and physically. I am supposed to call Dad today but I think I am going to back out. Same with calling Mom. I need to just be for a day. Wish me luck! Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Friends, Gardening, Holiday, Learning, Life, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Actions and Words

The rain and clouds have gone away. The birds are twittering away and the bugs are humming along too. The sun is out making the coolest diamond and crystal reflections off of the standing rain on leaves and petals.

I hurt still. Most of it is from the procedure (I feel like I need to put it in quotes or capitalize the first letter) but there is an underlying soreness from compensating for that pain. Like walking awkwardly because my back hurts or holding my body a certain way because it is the only way to ease the discomfort for a minute or two. I still need to call the doctor back and give them another update.

My days are off. It feel like it should be a day off. When I get to work it will be weird as well because I am usually the closing manager on Sundays. Not today. I am a mere cashier. I have tomorrow off but I am going to a friend’s house to help with his two dogs for a few hours. I guess he is doing a bug bomb. I am worried about bringing some home. I might strip down a soon as I get home, wash those clothes and hop in the shower. And I don’t want that stuff in my car so I hope he doesn’t expect me to take them anywhere. We’ll see.

I just want a day where I don’t have to worry about anything. No phone calls, no going anywhere just stay at home and do whatever. I am over my anxieties and physical issues.

I have discovered that what I thought was an invasive vine parasite is actually a bunch of wild grape vines! We have them all over the place. So I am going to scope out a few plants tomorrow and see if I can find some bunches of grapes. I saw some the other day when I mowed the front but I never went back for them.

I am going to wrap this up. I want to try to spend some time outside before work. Thanks for reading and stay safe!