Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Another Broken January

My heart hurts. It is way too early and I am exhausted. Both girls are out here with me. Essie has a vet appointment at 3:30pm. And I think I have made the decision. She has too much that is going on right now. Too much is going wrong. We are up this early because Essie woke me at 5am panting heavily slamming her hear against me. It was like she couldn’t get up. I had to pull her away from Stella and just pet her for a bit. Even then she wouldn’t get up. Finally I went and got a big glass of water (she has been panting this whole time… and yes I realize that panting is a sign of pain in dogs) and that finally got her up. I let her out for a few minutes and when she came back in she got a drink. She wouldn’t go back to bed so I got my stuff and we came out here. I am so tired but when I tried to lay down on the couch (Essie left the couch and went to sleep on the loveseat since it is leather and cooler) sleep would not come. I just laid there and listened to her breathe. Then Stella came out and instead of curling up on the empty spot Essie had left at my feet decided to stand on me. I asked if they wanted breakfast and here we are. They are both sleeping and I am typing away.

Yesterday was filled with blessings despite my phone call to the vet. My Aunt made me a blanket and included two little buddies as a surprise. My Bath and Body Works order arrived (I love the smell of the coconut and sandalwood soap and they finally got more in and they were on sale cheap). One of my regulars at work who is an artist brought me more rocks that he had painted (he has given me several over the past few months as he cleans out his old work). I am being teased that my totem animal must be a penguin since all these guys keep bringing me rocks.

When Chris gets up I am going to give Essie a lot of tea kettle and then I got them bones. I will tell him to love on our baby girl as best he can. I don’t know if I am making the right decision but I can see that she is starting to suffer and I don’t want that for her. She scared the hell out of me this morning. I refuse to go to the emergency vet because I will be required to just drop her off at the door. I am not sending her in there by herself. The last time she was there was for stitches. She won’t be happy. She won’t be happy either way but my vet will let me come in with a mask. They understand and care. Here come the water works. I am trying not to cry because I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. Nor do I want to wake Chris.

Laundry is going since I need jeans for today. I was hoping to put things off with Essie until Monday since I have Monday and Tuesday off (I have a meeting Tuesday night but I can hang at the back on my own) but I guess I will have to deal with people raw. I think they will understand but I can’t turn my emotions on and off like a light switch. I really hate Januarys.

I am shocked that it is still pitch dark out. I had better stop here. In my current mental state I could go on for a long time. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Writing

Peering From the Snow Banks

Well we got a good chunk of the promise snow thus far. Anywhere between 4-6 inches (10-15cm) depending on where you look. We had strong winds last night so that moved things around a bit. Chris is going to get up around 11am to plow. We are supposed to continue to get snow through 1pm I believe. Right now the snow falling is very fine.

It seems as though it doesn’t matter how much sleep or the quality of sleep I get anymore. These past few days have wiped me out. Right now I feel like I have gotten next to no sleep despite getting around 8 hours. (You know you got snowed on when the plow trucks just go by with a soft shush.)

I got some quality work done on the novel yesterday before work. The big thing right now is going to be characters. I need lots of them. Both Italian and Norwegian. That is a bit overwhelming so I am circling the problem mentally. I have a lovely random name generator I found online that I can use. I might start there. There’s just so many that I need to bring to life to pull this story off! I have other things that need to be done but this is the biggest. I have purchased a small notebook to keep with me at work. I had forgotten one and if I get an idea there are only so many post it notes one can keep track of!

I filled the bird feeder the other day when I put more suet in but with this weather I should probably go and take a look see and make sure there is enough. I am also very grateful for the garage to keep the vehicles in. I don’t miss having to dig my car out to go to work!

Gah! I feel like there is something that I need to be doing… But I have no idea what it is. I should throw on some boots and shovel the back and side porches. That way the girls can get up and down the stairs easier as can we. Then I will check the bird feeder. Awww… there is a small chickadee just outside the front window on a branch. Ok, I will take that as my cue. I hope you are all doing fab! Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Movies, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Travel, Writing

The Mad Hatter

Yesterday was productive all things considered. I got all the dishes done and put away (we had accumulated several days worth), same with laundry, I cleaned up the floor in the utility room and put down an all weather mat for the boots, plants got watered and I even got 6 or 7 little glass pots with seeds started.

I got out of the house for an hour (Mom texted around 10:41am asking where I was and I reminded her that she cancelled with me the night before) and I got the mat for the house and a few other goodies. One of them is a cool looking pocket knife. It’s pretty sturdy even if it is a little chunky (this is from my machinist husband… I was concerned that I would get home and he would pronounce it crap due to either design or material). So I can now carry a pocket knife with me. I am very pleased.

We got several inches of snow that seem to have literally blown away. The wind has picked up considerably. I worry that it has made Essie sore/achy. Both girls have been acting odd. It is as if they switched personalities almost. I was sharing some food and Essie about took my fingers off where Stella took it gently (the opposite usually happens). Essie was also busy chewing on bones for several hours while Stella chewed hers until it was clean then came and curled up with me on the love seat (another complete reversal as Essie will normally barely finish her bone and be done while Stella will finish hers first and go look for more). And the jealousy… if I am giving one attention the other gets upset to the point she may actually come over and push her way in. I don’t know what is going on.

I watched a well done documentary on Shudder yesterday. It was three hours long but well worth it. It covered various aspects of folk horror (think The Wicker Man or Midsommer). I realized two things. One there are a lot of good movies that I haven’t seen and two I have watched a lot of horror movies. It has also given me a few ideas for the novel. I feel like the information needs to percolate but I am worried that it is just an excuse. So after this I will pull out my novel and see what happens.

I have had a few people ask about what I am calling the “Alice in Wonderland feeling.” It is still going on. I am guessing that there are big changes that are going to be happening soon. I think the girls can sense it as well. I don’t know what they will be or when they will happen but something is shifting in a big way.

On that note I think I will wrap this up and get it posted. I am hoping to have something very cool to share with all of you later this week (if the mail is on time). Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, the World, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Cruising In Neutral

I can tell it’s my day off. I am in no particular rush to do anything. I got up late but I was able to read some new (and old) blog posts from you folks. I even found a few new ones to follow! It has been nice no trying to power read through things.

It still feels off, like yesterday. This even carried over to work (things were really off there). The feeling is not as strong as yesterday but something has changed. I am not sure what but I’m sure I will find out eventually.

It seems odd to be writing about milk but I am using “real” milk if you will. It is from a local farm and comes in glass bottles. It is also a little pricey. Why would I buy this just from my coffee? Because it literally was all we had. I am trying to get used to a thicker and creamier milk (the regular stuff is closer to a white liquid). It is good for several days but the way it is reminds me of when the stuff I normally drink (ok buy since I am not a big milk drinker) is going bad. I have to keep telling myself that the milk is still good it is just different. Maybe I need to use this tack on myself with change?

Mom and I were supposed to get together today but she said I should stay home. I am still debating about going into Traverse just to get out on my own for a bit. But then I consider everyone else. What if I don’t get home until after Chris leaves for work? I don’t want to leave the girls alone (I sound like my Mother here) and I don’t want to miss time with Chris. See how that works? I just talked myself out of going anywhere. (I may go to Dollar General just to walk around. I do need to get out some place out of my normal routine. Or maybe to Gilroy’s and see if they have gotten any seeds in yet.) I use others as a crutch or a pry bar if I need an excuse to go out. Never for me.

If I go out I think I might take my camera. If I do that then I can go to the parks around here and see if I can get some photos. I have been very lax as to my photography. I should continue my DVD lessons. That will be after Chris goes to work. (And I will need to tell myself that the girls won’t suffer from lack of play time if I just do a few lessons. Are you listening Self?)

I have been thinking about doing something with my hair. I’m not sure what. Since I am happy with the length maybe play with the color? Purple is my favorite color so I thought maybe some purple streaks. Something to brighten my mood. If I do streaks then I won’t really have any maintenance because I am not very good with that. As a matter of fact I have an honorary Dude Card because I am very much like a guy in many of my attitudes, lol.

I had better get this posted or I will go on forever it seems today. I hope you all have fab day! Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Reading, Thinking, Writing

Alice Down the Rabbit Hole

Have you ever woken up and felt that something is off? I did this morning. I don’t know what or why but here we are. The girls are asleep on the couch. The skies outside look like dusk.

I spent pretty much all of yesterday reading. I almost made it through two Agatha Christie novels. I am at a loss this morning. I have spent the past 10 minutes looking around or staring at the screen. I find no comfort in my daily routine.

Is it that I need something new? Not purchased per say but a change of some kind. It truly feels like I don’t belong here. Something is off just enough… And I hate putting it like that but that is the crux of it. Essie keeps looking at me as if she senses it too. Something is not quite right.

I realize that at this point I sound like a nut but we all knew that I was so nothing new there. 😁 Well since I am getting nothing done on here but stare at the page I will wrap this up. I hope you all have a great day! Thank you to those that reached out to me yesterday. I appreciate the love. Thanks for reading and stay safe…

Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Writing

Was That Sleep That Just Went By?

Today the sun is out and I could care less. Stella is enjoying laying in a sunbeam though. Essie is laying in front of the bedroom door. Momma has been trying to sleep (with dubious success) both on the couch and on the love seat. Essie woke everyone with her heavy panting around 5 or 5:30am. I got up and she drank a lot of water and then went outside. We all went back to bed. About an hour later she starts panting again so I get up and gather my stuff to go sleep on the couch with her (the bedroom can get too warm some nights so I thought maybe sleeping in the cooler living room would help her). We went into the living room and she got her big drink of water before going out. Once she was in we settled on the couch and I tried to sleep. Just as I was dozing off out comes Stella. She wants up on the couch with us. At this point all I want is some sleep. I get my pillow and such and head to the love seat. She looks at me with a hurt look because she wanted to be up there with me. Reluctantly she gets up on the couch and curls up. Unfortunately Essie wanted to be next to me too so after about an hour she goes back to bed in the bedroom. Frustrated I pull the blanket over my head on the love seat. I refused to go back on to the couch. In the end both girls were asleep on the couch when I cracked an eye open around 9:30am or so.

My left shoulder seems to be mostly functional again. I couldn’t do anything without intense pain for the first 15 or so minutes after I got up. My neck is also stiff but workable. The rest of my just wants to go back to bed. And I would but I don’t want to waste my day off. I have things that I want to do. Fortunately there isn’t much in the way of typing after this. My fingers do NOT want to cooperate this morning. I am hoping to connect with both my parents today. Dad wants me to get on the family chat with them tonight. I have no idea what they are using for it (it was Skype then Zoom for one or two and now???). And I don’t know that I am up to a family chat. But Uncle Ron will probably need some support today as it is his “wife’s” birthday. (They never legally married but they were in our eyes.) We lost her three years ago now? It was right around Thanksgiving that year. So I might join the call.

I should wrap this up and get it posted. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Friends, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, the World, Thinking, Writing

Feeling Like a Bad Spice Cake, Too Much of Everything

I just can’t seem to get enough sleep lately. No matter what time I go to bed I feel the same when I get up. Last night I slept especially hard and I honestly feel awful right now. Today will be a 10 hour day but I have tomorrow off. I honestly have no idea what I should do tomorrow. There is so much that needs to be done around here. The only thing I have kept up on is laundry.

The sun is out and I don’t really want it to be. It can be a dark dreary day today. There are plenty of clouds still out. Did I mention all I want to do is sleep? With everything going around at work I will be upset if I get sick again. Not surprised though. I watch people cough either right out without covering their face or they cough into their hand and then touch things. And this from some of the ones that “can’t afford to get sick.” (*eye roll*)

I had a bit of news last night that was well…. unsettling. For me atleast. For most people they would be over the moon and excited and proud and….. Then there’s me. My eldest son (the one I just started keeping in touch with last year) messaged me that he and his wife are expecting. I can’t wrap my head around that. I messaged Mom but she is very blah about it. (I told her briefly about Essie and that I might not answer messages for a bit. I don’t really want to talk to her about Essie because the last scare we had with Essie Mom (well intentioned) told me I needed to do what was best for Essie. If she does that right now I know that I will lay into her. She has no place to tell me that after some of the things she…. no. I am not going there.) I want to tell her that Essie is doing well but I dread the possibility of “that” conversation.

I got some work done on the novel yesterday. Frustratingly enough I seem to have made more backstory questions for myself. Even if the reader never knows about half of what I have created I need to have the history of this village in my head and/or on paper. I have to laugh. For every page of novel I write I end up with two or three pages of backstory that I have to come up with! On the plus side I am very interested in the characters and their backstory so it is not a chore to get to the nuts and bolts of things.

I guess I should wrap things up. I want to try to wake up before work. I am closing manager so I need to be focused and alert. Not dozing. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Food, Friends, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, the World, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Dreaming of Gardens

I don’t have to be to work until 2pm so that is a nice thing. I didn’t need to set an alarm. I got some extra cuddle time with the girls. Poor Essie was really warm when we got up. Part of that is the prednisone. She also drank a lot of water (again the meds). But she has been eating again so I’ll take it. I took both girls for a ride to work last night. I forgot to bring the next books in a series a coworker is reading so I decided to take both the girls with. On the way I remembered that I had forgotten to get meat for their dinner. One of my younger coworkers (she’s like a little sister) was excited to come out and meet the girls. They did very well. And one of my regulars was parked next to my car and commented that the girls were very quiet (they never bark when someone pulls up beside us). He was very impressed. I was too because Essie wasn’t shaking or anything while we were out (Essie is not a fan of car rides so getting her out and about can be difficult… I just wanted her to be in the car for something other than going to the doctor).

I am starting to think about my gardens. We have yogurt that comes in these small glass containers at work. They are a little more expensive but they tase really good and have the added bonus of being the right size to start my seeds. I also have the long window box I need to empty out. The plants didn’t make it but they were the annuals so I wasn’t surprised. The dirt was crap as well so I am grateful they made it as long as they did. This also means that I need to pick a spot to get serious about a food garden. I have several spots I can use but each has a unique set of problems. All will need fresh dirt. But if I use the rock garden (I prefer that because it is fenced in so the kids don’t run through it) there are the fire ants. Apparently this garden is on top of a mound of them. When I do any serious gardening I have to pay attention because they will start to swarm which means I have to take a break in that part of the garden for a few hours while they calm down. There is also the problem that they will eat certain things from the roots up. I cannot grow any hot pepper plants in that garden. They also manage to bring up a lot of sand which a lot of the plants aren’t happy with. I have three raised gardens but those are in desperate need of a good cleaning out (they have been left on their own for several years as they only recently became enclosed in the fence line so that I can access them). There is also the girls. They like to fertilize them in the Spring and Summer. Also a consideration is that they are a distance from the house as well as the abundance of bunnies that will come in the yard now that it is fenced in (I am still at a loss as to why that is… before the fencing went up the rabbits stayed away). There are other little plots of earth here and there that I could use but they are all easy access to running and playing Pitbulls that (bless them) don’t pay attention to what they are running through. I may resort to pots again but I don’t know for sure. Tomatoes and I don’t do well together however I am thinking of trying the whole grow them in the hanging bag that is advertised. It would be inaccessible to the usual critters. But will they grow?

With prices going up on things I need to be serious about my gardens this year. If I have an abundance then maybe I can share some locally. But I need to get things grown. I enjoy gardening so it will give me an excuse to be outside more. Since I know some peeps that work at some of the local gardening shops I might see it they can get me some specialty stuff (like the bags to grow the tomatoes). I would much prefer to do it locally than send for it. Especially since these people shop at my place of work.

Do any of you have gardens? Year round? I have tried to keep food stuffs in pots and bring them in during the winter but with as little sun as we have had they are not happy. What do you have in your gardens? What do you do about various pests? Any comments or suggestions are welcome.

I see that this morning I have run on a bit. I really have enjoyed talking with those of you that have commented on past posts. Thanks for reading (everyone 😁)! Stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, History, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, retail, Thinking, Writing

Life Update

There was no good way to start this morning. I could get sleep and rush around in the morning to get this and my article written or I could get up and hour earlier and take my time. I desperately need the sleep so you can guess what I did.

I got a call from the vet not long after I punched in yesterday. By the time I hung up I had tears streaming down my face. It boils down to this. There is no easy way to determine if the mass on her liver is cancerous or not. What the vet is afraid of is that it is cancer and that is has spread to her stomach. (Remember that Essie had a lump that was cancer removed a few years ago.) So our “Hail Mary” is going to be giving her steroids to see if that helps things. If she continues to get sick to her stomach then I get to make the call.

I did my best not to snap at people last night at work but I was not entirely successful. Oh and apparently a coworker came in sick with the flu and now that is going around the store. Several people have gone home and called in over the past few days. With my lack of sleep and stress levels I am really hoping not to get sick. And I really don’t want Chris sick either.

Aaaaaand I have to get out the door. Oh, one bright spot. I cheered myself by spending a small amount of money (about $15) and got 100 business cards printed. They have my name and “Freelance Writer” below it. Ok, gotta go. Thanks for reading and stay safe!