Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, Reading, Thinking, Writing

Looking Within… A Little Too Deep

Stella is curled up behind me on the love seat. She has been my shadow since yesterday. Essie has curled up in the man cave. I shut the door to the bedroom while the girls were eating so Chris could get some sleep without them getting up and down from the bed. I don’t know what Stella’s issue was last night but she was in and out of bed til around 2:30am. She would get up and pace and then need to go outside every little while. I didn’t get much sleep. My back has found new and interesting ways to hurt as well.

I am trying not to think about work today. Me being anxious isn’t going to help anything. But I can feel the panic and anxiety building behind the wall I put up around it. I can also feel the little naysayers in my head starting to wake up too. On the plus side I have tomorrow off. I will have Matt there with me tonight working so if I have any problems or questions I will be ok. In theory. I still don’t know if I will walk into having keys and codes this afternoon or not. I ended up leaving a note to remind the store manager.

Yesterday was not a flop but it feels like it. I had such grand plans in my head but I didn’t get near the amount of things done that I had hoped. The flip side of that is I was able to relax for a few hours. Which is really what I needed. I was able to breath and I played with the dogs enough that they would nap for extended periods. I did get some research done on my novel but I didn’t get the amount of work done on my novel that I wanted to. I did get some photos taken but I didn’t do anything with all the photos I already have. I talked with Mom because I was worried about her. She usually sends me updates on how the house clean out is going. She’s been doing pretty good with it. But I hadn’t heard anything in a while so I decided to call and check on her (even though I said I wasn’t going to call anyone). She was out and about so she called when she got home. Three hours later we hung up. I’m glad I called because she obviously needed to talk to someone. Then there is always the “but” in my head. It’s not like I would’ve done great things with my time if I wasn’t on the phone with her but my head always says “what if” and then goes from there. I was going through my Supernatural dvds and watching my favorite episodes when she called. Hardly earth shattering. Odds are I would’ve squeezed in a few more episodes before bed and that was it.

This morning I got a text from Dad and he’d not doing too good. He is getting more frustrated and scared with his condition. He can’t articulate the way he’s feeling physically or mentally. He is scared that early Alzheimer’s is setting in. I’ll tell you what freaks me out is that both my parents are going through the same thing. Mind you they are divorced and Mom wants nothing to do with Dad so I don’t really share any updates or anything. Neither really knows what the other is going through. But they do because they complain to me of the same things. Forgetting words or ideas mid-conversation, unable to focus especially for extended periods, unable to complete tasks because they forgot what they were doing or how to complete said task…. Some times it would be easy to forget which one I was talking to once they start voicing their concerns. It is scary.

I guess that is why yesterday feels so much like a failure. I had to face mortality and see that it didn’t matter what I did or said or wrote there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Well this isn’t where I had intended to go with the post this morning. I guess I had better wrap this up and either work on my novel or write to my pen pal. Which reminds me I need to get post card stamps on the way to work. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

2 thoughts on “Looking Within… A Little Too Deep”

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