When I started this this morning I was contemplating not doing anymore online classes due to it being so difficult with everything going on. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that it would be the easy way out. It would be easy to say I couldn’t do it because of work and writing for the paper. But it wouldn’t be accurate. What would be accurate would be that I quit because I was afraid to fail. I was afraid that all my efforts would fail and someone would tell me that I was no longer a writer. (Writing for the paper is journalism and that is a different type… yes it is writing but there is a difference (to me atleast) between being a journalist and being a fiction writer.)
So after some soul searching I decided to stick with it. Which means that I need to write my story after I finish doing this. I do this a lot. I stop doing some thing I enjoy (or even love) because I am afraid that I will make a mistake and mess it all up. Riding the motorcycle is another prime example. I am afraid I will make a mistake. It doesn’t matter that I do know what I am doing. I know all the mechanics of riding and I really do enjoy it. But I psych myself out. The flip side of that is that I have been ok mentally and even excited to ride and I get on the bike and completely freeze up. I get so overwhelmed that I have to get off the bike and not ride. And so my beloved motorcycle sits (thankfully in the garage). I guess that is how I know that I care about something. I am terrified of messing it up or making a mistake.
People will tell me that is how you learn but it depends on the mistake. If I make a mistake on the bike then I will either suffer cosmetic damage to the bike (low end of the spectrum) to death or injury (high end of the spectrum). If I mess up my classes then I will feel that I am no longer a writer even though it has been my dream forever and I have been writing since I could pick up a pen. I would lose a piece of my soul. (I faced similar heartbreak when I tried to go to school for archaeology. Mom paid for my first semester and I was having trouble getting my paper (which I was very proud of) submitted. Nothing worked. I would send the paper via the net and they never got it. We finally decided to try by mail but I would be penalized with my grade and then I didn’t have the money for postage…. essentially it snowballed and I dropped out. I still feel like a failure. But I would try doing the class again if I could.)
So now that I have reopened old wounds it is time for me to get to work on my writing paper. Thanks so much for reading. Have a great day and stay safe!