Dogs, Emotions, family, Life, Thinking

Bringing the Unexpected Home

I shouldn’t be crabby but I am.  I don’t get much sleep anymore.  Neither of us do but I’m feeling whiny about myself.  Mornings are my ME time.  I take care of the kids and get them settled in and the hubby gets (hopefully) quiet sleep for a few hours while I do my writing and read.  Everyone is asleep and there are no demands other than those I put on myself.  I guess Chris was so exhausted he crashed around 12:30am last night.  He got up a few minutes after me.  Actually I think I had the kids fed and we were doing the second round of going out to go potty.  I was not happy to see him getting up.  And I feel bad.  I should be happy to be able to spend more time with him and not have to keep the kids quiet.  Instead all I thought about is “there goes my ME time.”

Part of that I think is due to the fact that I got Dante’s ashes yesterday after work.  It hit all of us all over again.  Moose was my constant companion and Essie went into on of her funks.  She even let Stella sleep on her.  I wasn’t expecting to get Boo’s ashes back until next week.  I thought I had time to prepare.  Instead I get a call at work (which was running later due to a transport that apparently did not know or did not care that I was done at 2pm.  I got the call a few minutes after 2pm.  I gave the guys until 2:30pm to figure out what they wanted to do.  When things were still up in the air I bluntly told them I had to go pick up my dog’s ashes that died on Monday and I was supposed to be gone by 2pm so we needed to get this figured out now.  That seemed to light the fire.  I left a few minutes later.

I had planned on going home to get the kids to take with when I went into town (I had to go to the bank and then get kibble) but when I called Chris to tell him that I was going to get Boo’s ashes we decided that I’d better go on my own.  I didn’t want the kids freaking out when we pulled into the vet’s wondering who was next.  It’s always very touch and go with my kids after a death.  Even handled correctly it doesn’t always work.  Again witness my kids.  Moose gets so scared that I have to medicate him to take him to the vet.  I don’t know what he will be like after this.  I guess Stella went off the deep end when I took Dante in that morning.  So I don’t know what future visits will be like.

Everyone seems a bit better today.  When I got home and pulled out the tin with Dante’s ashes I let everyone sniff them and I told the m what/who it was.  While I was getting things out of the bag they gave me Essie got on the table!  She NEVER does that!  Not even front paws.  She got completely up on the table to watch me.

They gave me some fur to put in a locket.  Part of me wants to but then I think I never did for any of the others.  I do have fur from everyone (and seriously does all that fur they shed ever really go away?  I think not) and I have baby teeth from everyone that we had as a baby.  But I never got a locket.  I don’t know.  I’m tossing the idea around.  I can’t bury him.  Not yet.  I’m using the excuse that it is cold (nevermind that he liked that because of his thick fur) and that it might snow (I know right?!  It is supposed to be Spring here).  Maybe when it is warmer and the sun is out and I feel better about letting him go.

A good friend stopped by to check on me with his Pitty.  I was grateful.  He didn’t try to cheer me or anything.  He just came by to make sure I was ok and talk.  I wish the sun was out.  I need to be outside right now.  I think it is in the 30s (F) though.  Atleast I’m not at work.  But still.  I get tired of looking for the good sometimes.  Sometimes I just want to be sad.  Then I feel guilty for being self indulgent because I am the one who has the stiff upper lip and keeps everyone going.

I guess I should stop here.   I need to not think for a while.  I hope everyone has a great day….


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