I’ve been awake pretty much since Chris got home at 5:30am. I am a bit numb. Extremely tired but if I lay down I am wide awake. I gave up around 6am when I started coughing.
I got a message on my phone from one of my high school best friends last night. I had been trying to find two other friends from school that I had lost touch with over the years. She asked if I had heard anything about our friend Kim, since she was one of the friends I had been looking for. I said no. But she had.
Nancy went on to tell me that she had bumped into Kim’s niece and found out that Kim died five years ago. From suicide. Now two things occurred to me. One being that was when I started dreaming about her out of the blue. The second is that I wished we could’ve talked one more time. I am naïve enough to think I could’ve prevented anything. I just wanted to talk one more time.
I have a bad feeling about the other friend I am looking for. I would not be surprised to find out the same thing happened to her. Her family was very mean to her, cruel even. We were going to be roomies in Chicago but something happened and she had to go back home to Michigan and deal with her family. Some big trauma that she was going to explain the next time we talked. I never heard from her again. I sent letters to her family and even called. Nothing. It was like she did not exist. Mind you they did this before but I knew where she was so I didn’t care what they did or thought. Now I had no idea where she disappeared to.
I don’t shed tears for Kim. She is better now than she was. She made her choice and I respect that. It sounds calloused but it’s not. I care. I also know that if someone doesn’t want help I cannot force them to take it. I hate it when things are done against one’s wishes “for their own good.” Are we sure it’s for that person’s own good or because we cannot bare to live without them? Because we cannot cope with the situation. Some of us are just broken and cannot be fixed.
I know that last paragraph is going to raise a lot of hackles but it is how I feel. How I’ve always felt. I have lost many friends to suicide. I might not agree with their choice but ultimately it is just that, THEIR choice. I have my good memories and I must be content with that.