Today I am disappointed. And a bit angry. I tend to second guess myself when I try to do things out of my normal routine. Like I got each of the kids a toy and a 6 pack of Oberon beer for Chris and I after work yesterday. I am now worrying that I should’ve just spend that money on bills instead of a little something to brighten everyone’s day. Then I get angry with myself because I seem to do this every time. I start with the anxiety that I am doing the wrong thing. My anxiety insists that this mistake (if it is indeed even a mistake) will screw my life up forever and I will be scarred.
Doing things like this shouldn’t be a big deal. But sometimes they can be. This is one of those times. Sadly I will spend my day being anxious over money. That is what it boils down to. And I hate that. Things will be ok but now that my mind has gone traipsing down anxiety lane I am envisioning everything that can go wrong. To add to my frustration I went to pull the battery to charge on the motorcycle and the cable popped one of the screws free and down into the engine it went. I have another (I think it will fit) but really?!
I am trying to focus on the good things and push the anxiety away but it will creep back up. Right now it is doing a gradual headache. Today I just want to be curled up with a book and left alone. But I know that the family needs my attention so I will have to go for half of what I want. Lol.
Stella did amazingly well with her new toy. She did destroy part of it but she hasn’t destroyed it all nor has she gotten into her siblings toys. I am very proud of her. There were no accidents yesterday or today. Although she may have eaten one of my hair ties. But I am willing to over look that because of all she didn’t do.
Oh I am trying so hard to be positive right now…. I’m just not feeling it. So I am sorry for the downer post. I try to share upbeat stuff that people might like to read. I was gifted another membership on my other writing site. I feel like a traitor because I haven’t done much on there the past few weeks. I finish up on here and shut the computer off.
I want to use that site to write my fiction but the well is dry. I’ve been doing non fiction for so long I’ve forgotten what to do. I could pull out one of my writing idea books and see if I can glean something from there to get me started. I need to be writing on the site, not continually critiquing for everyone. I have this one new writer who has fanned me and she is so sweet and supportive. She will as me writing questions about this and that that she is working on. So I need to set a good example and do some stuff on there.
I say this as I look down at my hands and pick at my cuticles. I just don’t know. Are my personal expectations too high? I don’t think so in this instance. But I need to find a way to not feel overwhelmed. I need to find a way to break it down into small pieces that when put together will accomplish what needs to be done. So I guess start there.
Maybe some more coffee and a book. The kids are all sleeping. I may grab one of my cozy mysteries to read. An Agatha Christie or maybe an Elizabeth Peters. Something to get my mind off all this inner drama. Thanks for listening. I hope you have a great day!