I thought about putting this off until I got back but I might as well do it now. I have the time. I am glad I have been busy with both jobs. I can come home and be the good tired where you feel as though you actually got something accomplished instead of that bored tired or the I’ve-done-too-much-that-I-hate tired. The only time I came home with a satisfied tired from my previous job was when I was in charge of truck. We’d get there at 4am and unload the truck of goods and process the whole thing so that they could put it away on the floor. Yes it was a lot of heavy lifting and hard work. But you felt like you had done something. Every place else there was a never ending list of things that needed to be done. And most of the time you didn’t do it right so do it again.
It’s difficult to get out of that mind set so that you believe you can actually do things right the first time. So many new situations that I just knew my old boss would tell me it was wrong, no matter how well I did or thought I did. Now I have to force myself to think that I won’t fail right out of the gate.
I think that was the main reason that I needed the time off. If I had gone right back to work after the company liquidated I would be no better off. I needed time to process my life on my terms. I needed time to shake off and get rid of all the negativity that had been drilled into me over the past 10 of my 15 years with the company. I needed time to start believing in my and my dreams.
Every time the old me went after a dream there was something that would happen with the job that made me have to give up on whatever dream I was pursuing. It was like the job saw me trying to escape and be happy and it would create a circumstance that made me give up and be miserable. Now I will atleast try and if it doesn’t work then I will try something else. But I will try. I am not such a defeatist anymore.
Some days it’s hard because it feels like I am just not doing the right thing no matter what I do. But more often than not I feel good about myself and what I am doing. I think that is contributing to my hate of this winter. The warm and sun are always positive for me. I want to try this new life in my favorite time of year. If I can do well during the crappiest time of the year then what kind of amazing stuff will I accomplish in the best time of the year? The possibilities are endless! I am anxious to move forward. Even a bad day now will just make me tired and I look toward the next day to be better. That hasn’t happened for a long time.
I need to get ready to go. I hope everyone has a good day! Cheers!