Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, Life, Thinking, Writing

Mind Games

Today will be a moderately busy day.  I’m going to take the kids with when I do my running.  They need to get out for a bit.  I’m debating about putting their fleece coats on them because it is really cold out today.  No precipitation but the temperature drop in constant.

This morning’s goal is to keep the anxiety at bay.  Prepare for what could go wrong but don’t live like it will go wrong.  I am trying to be excited about the changes going on instead of freaking out about what could go wrong.  It is hard.  Sometimes I just try to keep myself busy enough that I can’t focus on it.

One problem I have is when I have to wait to do something.  I am one of those people who wants to get up and go and get things done.  No get up and wait for a few hours then get going.  I pace both physically and mentally when I have to go somewhere or do something but I have to wait a while before I can do it.  It could be an appointment or a phone call.  If I can’t get doing whatever it is as soon as I am ready to I start getting anxious and nervous.  I want the situation over so I can be back home where it is safe.

The flip side of all this is that I am happy and excited to finally be doing something different.  I am able to write and get published on a regular basis and I am beginning a new job completely different from what I have been doing the past 15 years.  I have plans for the future that I can actually accomplish as well.  The future looks fab…. from a distance.  I know that the closer I get to this awesome life changing events the more I will freak out and dig in my heels.  BUT… if I try to go into things with a different mindset I might be able to beat myself at my own mind game.  And that is the goal.

Ok, I’m back.  Phone calls have been made for now and appointments set.  I have to wait another hour and a half before I can head out the door with the kids.  I checked the temperature.  7F.  Brrrrr!  I hope the car starts!  Our high today is supposed to be 14F.  If I don’t put the coats on the kids I am atleast bringing the coats with us.  Is it Spring yet?

I need to get to my other writing site and try to do some work on there.  I didn’t do anything but check in yesterday.  Cheers!

Dogs, family, Gardening, Life, Thinking

A Day in the Life

This might not be much but I’m gonna make the effort.  I pulled something in my neck last night and the right side of my neck (mostly in the back) hurts and I have a hard time turning my head.  I hope it is more mobile atleast for Tuesday.  And truthfully I just don’t feel good.

Now I don’t know what to write.  My mind is a complete blank.  I just want to lay back down for a while.  Mostly so I don’t need to hold my head up.  The weather outside reflects my feelings, dark and cold.  Atleast it isn’t snowing.  We should be ok for the week.  That will make going to the meeting Tuesday night easier.

I had a good talk with both my parents last night.  We talked about everything and nothing.  It was good to hear their voices.  I am going to share a few pictures of Moose.  I had tossed my towel on the floor after my shower and turned around to find him rolling around on and in it.  Nut!

 

Our pepper plants are also producing another batch of peppers.  I am very proud of them!  More cayenne and habanero peppers soon to be.  We have one cayenne pepper already.

 

I hope everyone has a great day!  Cheers!

Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Motorcycles, Racing, Riding, Thinking, Writing

Dreaming and Living the Dreams

We slept in this morning  I’m not sure if this was a good idea or not but we did.  I am a bit groggy.  The kids are all back to snoozing around me.  We slept in because I earned it.  I spent about two hours filling out paperwork online for a job I start Tuesday.  It is a part time job right here in town and with the hours I will be working I will still be able to write for the paper.  Money is a concern but if this month is any indication I might be able to swing it writing for the paper.  I should keep sending out queries to other publications as well but for right now I think we might be ok.

Nuts.  I am having a time trying to focus.  I get going on something then mind gets distracted by something else and stays there losing where I was.

I did start my pile of books yesterday.  It’s interesting to see how they are all dovetailing for me right now.  It’s almost like I am reading from the same book with different authors instead of six different books.  I just need to keep reading.  I have this bad habit of not following through.  Things get better so I start to drift away from what is helping instead of following through to see how better things can get.  Not just stopping and going in another direction.  Follow the path to the end… or the beginning as it may be.

I need to get my little treat shop going as well.  I decided to start taking orders as of today.  I have the ingredients for all three flavors I am offering so I should be good.  I’d like to make them as they order them right now.  If I get enough clientele then I may start baking in bulk but for now I’m not.

I really wish this snow would go away.  The cold too.  I miss my motorcycles.  It is heartbreaking to see them under a few feet of snow.  And an unfinished garage across the way.  I need to get some seat time this year.  If I can do that then I will try for a track day next year.  If they are doing the all female track day this year I may go down and make some friends.  There is so much I need to learn!

Damn!  There it is!  July 5th!  Ladies Motorcycle Track Day at Grattan Raceway!   If I can get that day off maybe I can ride down on Rogue.  The Black Pearl will be my track bike.  She needs to be gone through and modified (headlight taped over, wire cage around her, turn signals taped etc.) and I need some new gear but that can be taken care of between now and next season.  Last time I was going to head down the ladies generously offered me the use of their gear to get on the track.  If I can learn to scuba dive this summer surely I can build up my riding skills and look into track days right?

Well I’d better come back to the here and now for a bit.  Time to go and get some more writing done.  Cheers!

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Books, Creativity, Learning, Life, Thinking, Writing

Bad Weather, Good Books

I painted my toe nails last night.  I did a bit of Mardi Gras/Spring theme.  I also pulled out a bunch of books on creativity.  I thought that I’d pulled too many (six all together) but when I tried to cull some out it just wasn’t happening.  So I have six.  I started reading  “The Creativity Book” by Eric Maisel (one of my favorite authors for creativity and writing, I cannot recommend him enough) first.  I have had the book since it was first published and still haven’t used it as it was meant to be used.  It is designed as a year long workshop in which you have one project you are focusing on.  I get through a few weeks and then start to thumb through the rest of the book to find out what is there.  The book was published in 2000 so that’s almost 20 years of not using it “right.”  So for the first time I’m going to go through and see what happens.  I am tempted to pull out other books of his that I have but I need to focus, not be bouncing from one to the other.

Next I grabbed my beat up copy of “Letters to a Young Poet” by Rainer Maria Rilke.  This is a very special book for me because my Mom got it for me the year after I graduated to try to help me keep writing.  She even inscribed it for me.  This is the first book she got me about being a writer (my first book on how to write was “Writing Down the Bones” by Natalie Goldberg and she got me that as well).  It was a used copy when I received it and I loved it all the more for that.  This book has been with me in all my travels.

I have “Gifts From the Sea” by Anne Morrow Lindberg (also from Mom) and “A Year by the Sea” by Joan Anderson.  I talked about both books in a earlier blog but never got around to pulling them out.  I also have the companion book to “A Year by the Sea” called “A Weekend to Change Your Life” by the same author.  She made such an impact with her book that she began doing retreats similar to what she did in her first book.  I’ve gone through it once, many years ago.  I am tempted to pull out a similar book that is based around yoga but I need to not go overboard here.

The last book I grabbed was “The Woman’s Book of Soul” (another from Mom) by Sue Patton Thoele.  This one is nice because it’s kind of like a book of days.  You don’t read it from front to back.  Each page is a different theme or topic.  You can either open the book at random and read of you can look up a topic that you want to focus on such as transforming fear, listening deeply or cultivating optimism.  I have a few books that family and friends have gotten my over the years that are a daily page read like this.  One of my favorites is one that my Dad got me that uses Cherokee beliefs and daily meditation.  I am tempted to pull some out at random and read what they say about today.  Some deal with specific dates (something new to think about every day) and some deal with topics that you pick yourself.

The last two in the pile are my journal (yes I am a big Supernatural fan) and my current reading (I have a soft spot for werewolves).

The snow is coming down in big flakes like someone’s feather pillow has exploded in front of a fan.  I guess this is as good a time as any to try to get started on my book pile.  If I feel ambitious I’ll take photos and add them on my Goodreads list.  But for now I will focus on gleaning the knowledge from them.

Aging, Emotions, Learning, Life, Thinking, Writing

Working Towards a New Me

I keep seeing all this Valentine’s stuff and I completely forget that it is today.  We don’t celebrate it here because our anniversary is the 17th.  It feels pointless to spend money twice.  Chris has been known to spoil me twice but I don’t expect it.  I have a friend that got married on Valentine’s.  She said it was the absolute worst choice for a day she’d made.  The only reason we are on the 17th is because that is the day we met.  Otherwise we would be on a different day.  Month too for that matter.

I had a phone interview yesterday and filled out some paperwork.  I hope to get a call within the next few days saying I have the job.  It is going to start only 3 days a week and 6 hours a day but it will increase in hours as they grow.  I also need to call various people who are looking for money to let them know what is going on.  Hopefully they will understand and wait a little longer.

I got my two articles in very close to the wire yesterday morning.  It took longer than I anticipated.  But they are done and may or may not be in the paper.  It was close enough to the wire that they might drop one or the other.  They seemed happy with them when we talked so…

My anxiety is through the roof with calling people.  It shouldn’t be.  But it is.  I’ve been able to force the fear away the past few days but now…  I can’t put it off.  It isn’t fair to them nor myself.  I’m still trying to find ways to put it off.  It doesn’t help that I have to wait until after a certain time to call.  The anxiety just builds and builds the closer the time gets.  I did it yesterday with the phone interview but not as bad as I am now.  I’m not sure why now is worse.  The ideas I come up with I shoot down.  That I could screw something up.  That works in both cases so that won’t explain why I am worse now.  That something would go wrong or something bad would happen.  Same thing, could happen with both scenarios.  So I’m not sure.

Little things can anger me this morning.  I’m trying to keep a handle on that.  Ironically I will get mad at myself for that.  I think the problem is I’m waiting for things to blow up in my face.  For whatever reason.  The flip side is I feel the need to break out of this.  Everything.  I need to start over.  Almost like I’ve messed things up to the point of being unfixable.  I noticed that as close as I was to most of my co-workers I don’t make much effort to stay in touch outside of Facebook or texting.  Terrified of calling anyone.  I think about them but I just don’t reach out.  It’s like if I don’t then Younker’s stress never existed.  But it did.

So much is going through my head right now.  That has been the nice thing about taking this time off.  It has helped me get my head together.  It’s not perfect but it is a lot better than when the store closed.  I don’t think that going back to work sooner would’ve helped.  But it is a moot point.

I’d better wrap this up and get some phone calls made.  Thanks for listening…

Dogs, family, Life, Thinking, Writing

And the Winner Today Is……

I am out of my routine and groping for purchase.  I got up and took care of the dogs but when I went to sit down and start my online work my laptop had no charge.  Sooooo I dinked around on my phone for a little to let it charge.  It has charged enough and I need to get started.  (Yes I could stay in my office while it charged and use it there but the kids won’t all come in and lay down.  Dante will pace back and forth in the hall and the girls will come and go.  Moose is the only one who will lay and stay.  Dante is too stiff to be up and down pacing the hall.  When I’m here in the living room he lays beside me and sleeps.  Being out here just works for everyone.)

I have two articles to write and send out this morning.  I also have to do some work on my other writing site.  I spend time doing reviews for others and I’ve not written anything for them to read in a bit.  I’m also putting in about 2-3 applications a day.  So far no response.  Rather disheartening.  I’m going to have to tap my 401K for bills even though it will piss my advisor off.  Another storm hit over night and we can’t have the heat or electricity go off.  I think we got about a foot or so overnight.  And heavy winds.  Those started yesterday and even blew out the furnace.

I’m not looking forward to writing the one article because the meeting was 1 1/2 hours and there was a lot of information given.  It will be hard to boil that down to a few paragraphs.  The other meeting was an hour and it was a simpler meeting.  I didn’t feel as though I needed to write down as much in my notes.  I believe there is an audio transcript online.  I am going to look for that  and put that to use to supplement my notes.

Ok, I’m back.  I noticed I was feeling a bit chilly and I had to check to make sure the furnace didn’t blow out again.  It is such a pain to light!  We are good.  The furnace is running.  The snow keeps coming down heavier and heavier.  It is supposed to be done by 9am.  (Because Mother Nature has a watch and times these things…)  I don’t know about that.   I was surprised because we didn’t really get much over the course of the day yesterday.

I suppose I’d better get to writing my articles.  No more procrastination.  Ha ha ha!  Cheers!

 

Dogs, Emotions, Friends, Life

Working Through Another Day

It’s 7am here.  We got up at 6:30am (actually earlier so the alarm wouldn’t wake Chris) because I have to go and cover council meeting for the paper at 9.  We’ll see how the weather holds out as to whether or not (pardon the pun) I go to Traverse afterwards.  The winds has picked up considerably over the last few hours.  We are slated for another 5-12 inches of snow with the wind as well as a side venue of ice and freezing rain.  I can’t tell you how excited we all are!

I snuck an anxiety pill in Moose’s breakfast.  I guess whenever I go anymore he howls and cries.  Which in turn gets all the kids more fussy.  I think it is cabin fever.  I haven’t taken them out for a ride in a while.  Seems like every time I’m going somewhere I am either going to be gone awhile and can’t leave them in the car (like today) or the weather is bad.

Thank you for the kind words an support after yesterday’s post.  Yesterday had some ups but there was the other stuff we won’t talk about.  Not much sleep last night and I soooo wish I could curl up on the couch and try to get a few more hours.   Hmmmm.  I feel a little cold and I hope that the furnace has not blown out in the wind.  The furnace should’ve kicked on by now.  (I am chanting “I will not cry” in my head right now.)  I guess that means I need to finish this up and go deal with that.

I hope everyone has a great day

As a side ha ha, when I went to look for photos for “tired” it pulled up a bunch of motorcycle pictures.

Dogs, Emotions, Life

Not a Good Day So I Shared Pics Instead

Yesterday seemed to be one of those where the harder you try to do the right thing the bigger it seemed to blow up in your face for me.  The day rapidly spiraled out of control for me.  I’m trying to let it go and move forward.  But no sleep and a stress headache keep reminding me.  I am trying not to list a litany of my woes.  I am trying to look for the good.

I am at a loss today.  I’m sorry.  I am miserable and I don’t want to share.  There is more than enough negativity going around.  So I guess I will share photos of the kids and such.  Things that are good for me.

 

Dogs, Emotions, family, Life

All About Stella

The big excitement yesterday was that I decided to start making and selling homemade puppy treats to help with Stella’s medical bills.  Right now all we have to pay for is her medicine but once the weather gets better and we spend more time outside she may end up needing surgery.  Hopefully not but she is a busy girl and it is very difficult to keep her from NOT playing.  She also needs a microchip.  She is the only one of the four that doesn’t have one yet.  Truth be told I always forget.  Whenever I take her to the vet it is usually for something major and I am focused on that.

The treats aren’t that hard to make and require very little in terms of ingredients so I thought it would be a good way to help raise money for her.  As it is her meds are $100 every two or so weeks.  Everyone seems supportive so I will give it a go.  I might be able to get some of the local places to sell a few bags for me.  I need to make my list and go ask.

For those of you who don’t know about Stella’s story I will try to give you a shortened one.  I found her on the side of a busy road last April.  Someone had just dumped her about 30 minutes before.  Then next 30 minutes were spent keeping her safe (a truck with three guys came to “get” her) and letting her owner know that I would take care of her until she could.

Whispers of a dog fighting ring came to my ear and I had people call to tell me not to give her back.  I took Stella to the vet because she needed her rabies shot (she was maybe 9 months old and her “owner” had gotten her from the local shelter).  That visit broke my heart.  Stella was oddly muscled.  Her chest and front legs are strong but her back legs are spindly.  She’s never been able to sit down directly on her butt.  She has to ease herself down and have her back legs off to the side.  The vet said she had bad hips and both her back knees would have to be replaced at one point.  When I got her x-rayed I just laid on the floor of the vet’s office with her and cried my eyes out.  Her x-rays looked like they were from a dog in very old age.  There was also the abuse.  The physical part was obvious but I believe that she was sexually abused too.  She has trauma that can be accounted for in no other way.

You can’t see how swollen her knees are in photos but when people finally see her in person they are shocked.  She is way too busy for all the damage that was done.  There are things that she can do which surprise everyone.  She can jump… high.  She also enjoys laying in the favorite Pitty position of frog legs.  She will lay on her back with her legs splayed or even dangle a back leg off the couch when she feels.  She can also be amazingly fast when trouble arises… especially if she has caused it.

I worry that she is carefree now but the years will bring misery in the form of arthritis (x-rays showed some spots on her spine that if they aren’t causing problems now they will in the future- this on top of her hips and knees) as well as possible surgeries and all the other things that could go wrong with her problems.  So I try to keep her happy and comfortable.  Although when you meet her you’d never know anything was wrong to watch her.  That is another problem.  I never know when she hurts.  She has popped her hips out and continued to play despite what should be painful and a limp.

Her siblings here get jealous and she can’t get into more trouble than the three of them put together some days but we love her.   She is a very smart girl (when she wants to be).  I have no idea what possesses people to hurt animals.  Especially one like Stella.

 

Well I have done a blog on two of the four kids.  I suppose I’ll have to do Essie and Moose next!

 

Dogs, Learning, Life, Thinking

Oddness from the Dogs and Chasing Lost Dreams

Stella is currently checking out the snake cage.  I’m not sure why.  She has never expressed an interest before.  Now suddenly she cannot leave it for very long before she is back sniffing the cage and cocking her head at it.  She’s examining the stand the cage is on as well as the surrounding area like she has just watched an illusionist perform a trick that she cannot understand.  Weirdo.

Moose is sure I need help writing this.  He is sitting right here beside me as I type this.  He has never done this before.  He is very insistent that I give him love as I type.  I am either stopping and starting or typing one handed so I can let him cuddle and get scratched.  Ok.  He’s gone to lay down on the couch.  But he is staring at me, watching my every move.

I am happy to report not precipitation this morning.  A huge relief for all of us.  It was so cold yesterday that even with the coats their Gramma made them the kids didn’t want to spend much time outside.  They did look cute in their coats though.  I’ve often thought I should invest in some boots for them but I think only the girls would wear them.  Dante doesn’t really need them but the other three do.  Maybe next year.

As this seems to be the year to follow my dreams I am going to learn to scuba dive this summer.  Mom had gotten us gift cards a few years ago at a local diving shop as well as the basic equipment to learn.  With my crazy work schedule I never had the time off to learn (it’s essentially five days so I needed to take one of my vacation weeks to do it).  Whenever I tried to request it someone else had already gotten the time off on the week I needed.  So the next time I head into Traverse I am signing up for classes.  I have wanted to do this forever.  I had planned to become a marine biologist when I was in high school.  Then things hit a snag and I lost my chance.

I’ve taken some marine biology classes as well as archaeology classes.  I have always had a passion for both.  I don’t know which one to follow.  So I seem to alternate between the two.  Maybe I will just combine them and do my marine archaeology once I am certified to dive.  We have many local ship wrecks here in the Great Lakes that I can investigate as well as some classes at the local college.  Something to think about.

Well the first cup of the day is almost gone.  I suppose I’ll go refresh the coffee and then work on some more writing.  Cheers!