Aging, Emotions, Learning, Life, Thinking, Writing

Working Towards a New Me

I keep seeing all this Valentine’s stuff and I completely forget that it is today.  We don’t celebrate it here because our anniversary is the 17th.  It feels pointless to spend money twice.  Chris has been known to spoil me twice but I don’t expect it.  I have a friend that got married on Valentine’s.  She said it was the absolute worst choice for a day she’d made.  The only reason we are on the 17th is because that is the day we met.  Otherwise we would be on a different day.  Month too for that matter.

I had a phone interview yesterday and filled out some paperwork.  I hope to get a call within the next few days saying I have the job.  It is going to start only 3 days a week and 6 hours a day but it will increase in hours as they grow.  I also need to call various people who are looking for money to let them know what is going on.  Hopefully they will understand and wait a little longer.

I got my two articles in very close to the wire yesterday morning.  It took longer than I anticipated.  But they are done and may or may not be in the paper.  It was close enough to the wire that they might drop one or the other.  They seemed happy with them when we talked so…

My anxiety is through the roof with calling people.  It shouldn’t be.  But it is.  I’ve been able to force the fear away the past few days but now…  I can’t put it off.  It isn’t fair to them nor myself.  I’m still trying to find ways to put it off.  It doesn’t help that I have to wait until after a certain time to call.  The anxiety just builds and builds the closer the time gets.  I did it yesterday with the phone interview but not as bad as I am now.  I’m not sure why now is worse.  The ideas I come up with I shoot down.  That I could screw something up.  That works in both cases so that won’t explain why I am worse now.  That something would go wrong or something bad would happen.  Same thing, could happen with both scenarios.  So I’m not sure.

Little things can anger me this morning.  I’m trying to keep a handle on that.  Ironically I will get mad at myself for that.  I think the problem is I’m waiting for things to blow up in my face.  For whatever reason.  The flip side is I feel the need to break out of this.  Everything.  I need to start over.  Almost like I’ve messed things up to the point of being unfixable.  I noticed that as close as I was to most of my co-workers I don’t make much effort to stay in touch outside of Facebook or texting.  Terrified of calling anyone.  I think about them but I just don’t reach out.  It’s like if I don’t then Younker’s stress never existed.  But it did.

So much is going through my head right now.  That has been the nice thing about taking this time off.  It has helped me get my head together.  It’s not perfect but it is a lot better than when the store closed.  I don’t think that going back to work sooner would’ve helped.  But it is a moot point.

I’d better wrap this up and get some phone calls made.  Thanks for listening…

2 thoughts on “Working Towards a New Me”

  1. Hang in there! Everything will line out and this period will be only a memory. I seem to remember that every time I had a big project like your shed, I would feel overwhelmed. It will pass. You’ll make new friends and the babies will be double glad to see you when you get home. Love you!

    Liked by 2 people

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