Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Thinking

No Words Are Not Enough

Whew are we late this morning!  I just did not want to get up!  The kids didn’t push much either.  It is a cold and crisp morning with the sun pushing it’s way up the horizon.  There is a silvery frost on everything.  The kids are being amazingly quiet this morning.  We have a crew trimming the trees are the electrical wires just across the street and no one has even fussed a little.

This morning I’m not really sure what to even write.  I have fuzzy brain that even the first cup of coffee isn’t helping with.  I think my mind just doesn’t want to face the day, life really after last night.  My Dad lives in Montreal.  He has had migraine problems all his life.  For quite a few years since he moved up there he has had very few to speak of.  The past few weeks have been very bad for him.  I think part of it was brought on by his hip surgery.  He lives by himself in an apartment on the second floor.  There is a nurse that comes weekly for his physical therapy for his hip but other than that he has no one.  I try to Facetime or Skype when I can but it can be very grueling emotionally so I don’t do it as much as I probably should.  We do email and I have him texting now.

Last night was a flurry of text messages.  He was in severe pain from not only a migraine but his hip and degenerative arthritis was playing last night too.  This happened last Friday as well.  Atleast that is when the pain got to be too much to bear.  This Friday he has become suicidal again.  I did the best I could over the course of a few hours.  I missed his last text (I thought we had ended the conversation but he popped on a few hours later) that said the migraine was better.  I am torn about texting him back.  If he was actually able to get some sleep I don’t want to wake him.  But I do want him to know that I did get the text and I am glad the migraine is atleast better.

I think that is why I find myself keeping my distance from family.  I listen too well.  When I can give ideas on how to fix things or atleast make them better I do.  I am glad I can help and be there for my family but it is taking a toll on me.  I am still trying to get myself together.  But then I feel selfish so I don’t say anything.  I just don’t show up to family Skype nights as much (or if I do I have a beer or more so I stay upbeat).  I don’t message as much.  I don’t call as much.  I am gradually pushing myself away.

Being away from the drama that seemed to infuse every work day has made a difference.  I enjoy the quiet.  My anxiety has been at an all time low.  I feel better about myself and life.  This is a hard won peace.  I am so afraid to lose this!  I can’t say “hey don’t tell me your problems” because that is part of who I am.  I listen.  That has been why I have been so good with people in all my various jobs (including being an exotic dancer believe it or not).  Because I listen with no judgement.  I am just there to hear that person’s side of things.  I will give my two cents if asked, but I just listen.  I don’t know how priests do it.  I care too much.  Probably why I don’t like going out too much.  I can’t turn off my empathy.

Now that I’ve bent your ear (and eyes) for a bit longer  than usual I will share some pics of the morning here so you can see what I mean about the frost.  The sun is a bit higher now so I will take a few more before I post.  Thanks for reading!

 

2 thoughts on “No Words Are Not Enough”

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