Month: December 2018

Emotions, family, Holiday, Life, retail

What It Means to Be Me

1972italy

We are almost to Christmas.  I feel kinda bad.  It is a big deal to everyone but me.  Everyone is asking what I want for Christmas.  Nothing.  I’m tempted to put it bold capital letters.  NOTHING.  It’s not just working me in retail for so long that has soured me.  The only family I have nearby is my Mom.  We don’t need a reason to get together or get each other something.  I am Wiccan so my “reason for the season” is different than most.  My husband spoils me year round and the dogs just don’t care.  It is another day off.

When I was a kid I loved Christmas.  Not because of the presents either.  What I loved was that all the unique and odd people that I didn’t get to see the rest of the year came over to Gramma and Grandpa’s during the holidays.  They might just drop in for a few hours to say hi or they might stay for dinner.  What I loved were the stories!  Everyone always sat around and told the most wonderful stories of things that had happened to them over the years.  Before my parents divorced I was blessed with a double round or stories because we would go to both sides of the house and visit.

Do you know what the really cool thing was?  They enjoyed telling me their stories.  The fact that someone my age actually wanted to hear what they had to say was priceless to them.  (I think that is why I enjoyed going to old folks homes when I was a Brownie and in Girl Scouts, once I got over my fear of going.  They told me of amazing things that had happened to them and the life they lived.)

I may or may not remember all of their stories (I’m sure I have all of them tucked away somewhere) but I have never lost the ability to listen to them.  That ability has been one of my greatest joys and sometimes greatest weakness.  Just letting people vent without judgement or listen to their stories I consider a privilege.  But sometimes those stories are so horrible that I am asked never to repeat them.  Not even to the person that told them to me.  They want to purge their system of that poison and try to move on.  There are times that I feel a bit like a confessor as well.  People will tell me what they feel or want deep down inside or why they are the way they are.  And that’s ok.  I’m hear to listen.  Not to judge.  I will never do that.  It is not my place.  I am hear to listen.

person holding red and white gift box with ribbon bow
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Emotions, Holiday, Life

The Awesomeness That Was Yesterday

1972italy

Ahhhh blessed day!  Yesterday was amazing!  Not only did I get my pirate necklace a friend made me (with one of a kind skull earrings to go with) but I got my whole office torn out then put back together before bed.  And everything fit!  lol  Many a time I have a bunch of homeless stuff sitting in the next room with no idea where I’m gonna put it and not mess up what I had cleaned.

I found a bunch of stuff I need to get framed.  I hung what I could (what was in plastic).  I made myself as wall of speed.  I pulled out all my racing posters and my racing autographs and arranged a collage of awesomeness.  I can see it from my desk.  My back is to my window across the room but that was the only good place to put it.  The cool thing is my office is now a place a want to be and hang out.  There is more than enough floor room for the kids if everyone wants to come in and hang with me.  My Bluetooth speakers are in there too.

Of course I am physically paying for it.  I also torn down a bunch of chicken wire that one of my rosebushes was entangled in yesterday morning.  I didn’t do my workout because I was so exhausted.  I also plan on curling up for some more sleep once I plug the ginny in for the guys.  No one showed yesterday but I have been assured that we will have the guys here today.  I have everything going so hopefully Chris can still get sleep regardless.

I haven’t felt this good about myself in a long time.  But I am soooooo looking forward to more sleep!  I am struggling to keep my eyes open as I write this.  I’m still amazing to peer over the top of my laptop and find everything gone that was there last night.  I will share some photos of last night so you can see what I mean.  Cheers!

 

 

Dogs, Emotions, family, Holiday, Life, Thinking

End of Year Check Up

1972italy

   A day closer to the end of the year.  Lately the time seems to go so fast.  Then there are those agonizing moments that go on forever.  I find myself looking back over the past year, navel gazing if you will.  So much has changed in a mere year for us and our families.  Jobs have been found and lost, cancer has come and gone and come and gone again, new family members have arrived and left us, buildings have gone up (or are still in the process) while others have gone down and so much more.  I guess the big question is what did we learn, if anything?  What will we take away from these experiences?

   I’d like to think I am a better person.  I’d like to think I am a less angry and anxious person after this past year.  There has been plenty to learn.  Everything from coping with loss to coping with too much life at once.  I’ve gained new appreciation for things and lost it for others.  Even at the very end of the year I am gaining new skills (and my fingers are aching!).

I don’t know if Mom and her two dogs will come over for Christmas.  I hope they do.  But if not it will be a quiet day with just Chris, the kids and I.  Pretty sure the garage won’t be done but that’s ok.  If the snow stays gone Chris and I may take the bikes out for a ride.

There is so much wrong yet there is still so much right and I am grateful for that.

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Emotions, family, Life, Thinking

Guilty Until Proven More Guilty

1972italy

I am in a funk.  I was doing pretty good.   I felt positive and had plans.  Then another thing went wrong.  I would say horribly wrong because it was for me even if it might not seem like a big deal to others.  I have been trying to justify taking my time off from working by taking care of the kids and house so that things are easier for my husband.  Ever since we have gotten back from our trip things have been off.  Lately they just seem to get worse.  Just little things that happen that add up.

Those little things have been adding up for almost 2 1/2 weeks.  The harder I try the more things seem to happen to complicate things.  I do my best but it not enough.  I feel as though I am messing things up because I could not prevent them from going wrong.  I am also anticipating that today may be a day of anger.  Too much happening one right after another.  The guilt of failure and the hurt of someone I love being angry seemingly because of me is almost too much.  Even if it is worse in my heart than what happens in the world my heart is what matters because it is breaking.

I am struggling to pick up the pieces of myself this morning.  I feel shattered.  I am scared to lose it all.  I don’t know how to fix things.

My husband has been so wonderful and understanding through all this.  I completely understand the frustrations he has.  He has been going above and beyond.  That is why it hurts that I cannot make things right for him.  I feel like I am failing him and us.  He does so much.

How much of this is in my head?  How much of my guilt am I projecting on to him?  How much of my anger at myself am I projecting on to him?  How do I fix what feels so clearly broken?  Not the relationship, just the situation.

I will have another cup of coffee and try to work my way through all of this emotion before he wakes up.  Try to find some kind of balance for myself so that I can move forward.  Try to make things right for both of us.

abstract break broken broken glass
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Emotions, family, Life, Thinking, Writing

FeelingBlank

1972italy

I’m tired and I’m crabby.  I got decent sleep, just not enough.  Every little thing seems to irritate me.  I think I will curl up and try to get some more sleep once the guys get here.  It was so nice to sleep in and not hear any of the banging and clanging this weekend!

I need to go out and do some running when Chris gets up.  I know that is part of my anxiety.  Chris made potato soup last night and it is still cooking in the oven.  The house smells sooo good!  Good grief.. I am just sitting here staring at the screen like a zombie.  My brain just won’t start this morning.  I was awake at 6:30am checking the clock.  I went to bed early bed read longer than I intended.

Well that didn’t help.  I picked up my phone and looked for inspiration there.   Nothing.  There was some good on there but more negative.  Or maybe it was just that the negative made my more angry than the good made me smile.  Normally I can find something to write about.  Even the bad doesn’t inspire.  I checked my photos to see if there was anything there to share.  Nada.  So I am sorry for the random sentences and thoughts.  Here’s to a better day for all of us.

plain book pages
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Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Life

Bright Yet Low

1972italy

This morning is bright and it is shining.  But I am not.  Have you ever had a dream where you did something bad and awoke knowing what happened (or atleast what you did if not why) and it just hangs with you?  Primarily because you never thought it was something you could or would do.  And it bothers you that you did.  So I am out of sorts this morning.

I have treats to make and laundry to put away.  We spent most of the sunny day outside yesterday.  From when I finished this til around 3:30 that afternoon. The kids were happy.  I got a lot done in the yard.  Not as much as I had hoped.  I couldn’t find the wire cutters so I was pulling the staples and removing the chicken wire that way.  I still need the cutters as my roses have grown around and through the fencing so in order to save the bush (or what is left after the guys started chopping) I need to cut the chicken wire.  I also got a lot of the branches off the ground from them cutting the trees over the new fencing.  And there were some big ones too!

I did get a bunch of photos before the frost was gone.  I think they turned out quiet well.  I took some of the kids playing too because Mom is always asking if the kids like all the new area they have to play.  I’m glad I walked around with them because there was a lot of debris that could hurt them on the ground.  I got as much as I could find picked up and put in the trash.

Since I am in a bit of a funk I will cut this short.  I don’t want to share.  I will however share some of the photos from yesterday.

 

Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Holiday, Life, Thinking

Add a Little Sunshine

1972italy

I almost said I was behind today.  But I’m not.  I am later than normal but I am right on time.  It is the weekend and I was able to sleep in because the guys aren’t working.  I am not pushing myself into a corner and saying that I’m not up to snuff.  Not today.

Last night I did my Goddess Workout (belly dancing) workout for the first time in a few years.  The last time I tried doing it to help by back it did not help anything.  Amazingly last night I made it through the whole hour workout and this morning I feel very good.  Better than normal.  I’m not achy or really sore.  If this is the case I think I will try to do it ever other day.  I need to start getting back in shape.  I’m not in awful shape by any means but I haven’t been able to do much exercising because of my back (that no doctor could figure out what happened, was wrong or fix… I did it all myself) but I have gradually gotten better.  Last night was my first big step.

Today is supposed to be sunny and in the 40s so I think the kids and I will spend as much time outside as we can.  Since the fencing is up they can run around and not get out (although I think I am going to “fix” the handle on the large gate because Moose is way too smart and he will figure out that all he has to do is push the handle up to open the gate) I can let them play and I will try to pull some of the old fencing down.  Atleast enough so get a clear shot to the “new” side.  (Instead of about 1/2 an acre fenced in for them they have about an acre or a little more to run in.)  Hopefully Mom will come over for Christmas with her two dogs and (please please please) everyone will get along.  Her two haven’t been socialized and we are worried about what could happen.  Mine have had other dogs over but if hers become aggressive…  But Mom has offered to come over and watch the kids if we need her.  Then if we go on trips I am not freaking out and worrying about the kids.

Today is a positive day for us.  I am glad.  We need it.  I hope everyone gets a positive day today.  We can all use more of those.

 

Dogs, family, Life

Dog Days of Winter or It’s a Dog’s Life

1972italy

I feel a bit better today so I am guessing food poisoning.  Essie does not feel better.  I think she is upset because she stayed home yesterday with my husband and the other three dogs went running with me in the car.  She doesn’t like going in the car very much so I always give the option to stay if I am taking the kids for a ride.  She decided she wanted to stay and ever since I got home she has wanted my attention and to be by me.  If I give attention to another dog (especially Stella) she gets upset.  This morning she has to sleep on the couch instead of the loveseat because she was the last one in (she was being pigheaded because I threw Stella’s ball to get her out and just shooed Essie out the door… she’d left her toy in the now closed bedroom).  While she was ignoring me calling for her Moose and Stella took up all the space on the loveseat.  Sigh… doggie drama.  But I wouldn’t change them for the world!

It has been hard for everyone since Stella has arrived.  She’s smart but pigheaded.  Very loving but can be a shit.  My husband says that she is very much like her Momma.  I smile sweetly.   It has been hard to know what to do sometimes because I don’t know the amount of her abuse.  I am only guessing by physical signs.  The medicine I have been giving her to help with her hips and knees seem to be working.  I am hoping to put off surgery as long as possible.

Everyone always asks why I always seem to have more photos of the three Pitties and not a lot of Dante, he’s the big black one that is usually by himself in photos.  The other three tend to sleep together and play together more.  Essie is the oldest of the Pitties at 8 years.  Dante is 15 years old.  He has trouble moving around a lot of the time but will still grab a toy and go running around the house with it chasing after me when the spirit takes him.  Very rarely does he get up on furniture because he just can’t get up there anymore.  We have the bed on the floor so he can get on it if he wants to.  More often than not he is stretched out somewhere on the floor.

I don’t know what I would do without my kids.  I know I will only have them for a short while so I try to do my best for them.  They seem to do their best for me (even when they are being bad).

 

Dogs, family, Life

Don’t Feel Good Surprise

1972italy

I’m doing this first today because I feel really really sick.  So I don’t know how long this will be.  I am supposed to go into town to take care of some stuff but I think I may call and reschedule most of it.  I will get the kids meds and come home.  Anything else can wait.  As soon as I plug the ginny in this morning I can going to lay down and see if I can get more sleep.  Maybe that will help.

I can’t focus on much.  So I guess I will share a bunch of dog pics.  Hope you enjoy them (yes I take way too many).  Hopefully tomorrow will be better…

 

Dogs, family, Life

Little Sleep but Fond Memories

1972italy

I am feeling frustrated this morning.  It just took one thing to throw my whole day off.  Dumb as it sounds.  I’m trying hard not to be angry but things keep going wrong.  And I worry that whatever I do will be the wrong thing.  Am I just setting myself up to fail?  Or is it just experience?  Probably a bit of both.  It doesn’t help that I don’t want to be up this early.

The kids are all back to sleep.  I covered everyone up (except Dante because he has thick fur).  I am envious.  At some wee hour there was a big cat fight outside the bedroom window.  Then something made a boom type noise nearer the garage.  I thought it was a board propped up but both boards were still up when we got up.  I have no idea what the noise was from.  Once I quieted my mind enough to fall back asleep Chris got home and apparently scared both girls because they took off barking both when he pulled in (they came back to bed and curled up once the truck was turned off) and when he came in.  As I started to doze again is when he came to bed to sleep so my mind registered that and kept going.  I would check the clock intermittently to make sure I was up by 7am.  What dreams I had were really really weird.

Yes, there are bigger problems in the world but right now lack of sleep is mine.  And I am not a napper.  I didn’t do well when I was little either.  I remember Mom had to bribe me with a Tigers game on tv if she wanted be to lay down.  I’d get my pillow and blanket and lay in front of the tv and watch the Tigers play.  I believe the Mark Fidritch was the first famous person I ever met.  I remember meeting him in my Mom’s arms.  I was a toddler if not younger.  I don’t think I could walk yet.

Well I think the guys are arriving so I’d better go hoist the window so I can plug in their ginnie.

lights night crowd stadium
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