I am in a funk. I was doing pretty good. I felt positive and had plans. Then another thing went wrong. I would say horribly wrong because it was for me even if it might not seem like a big deal to others. I have been trying to justify taking my time off from working by taking care of the kids and house so that things are easier for my husband. Ever since we have gotten back from our trip things have been off. Lately they just seem to get worse. Just little things that happen that add up.
Those little things have been adding up for almost 2 1/2 weeks. The harder I try the more things seem to happen to complicate things. I do my best but it not enough. I feel as though I am messing things up because I could not prevent them from going wrong. I am also anticipating that today may be a day of anger. Too much happening one right after another. The guilt of failure and the hurt of someone I love being angry seemingly because of me is almost too much. Even if it is worse in my heart than what happens in the world my heart is what matters because it is breaking.
I am struggling to pick up the pieces of myself this morning. I feel shattered. I am scared to lose it all. I don’t know how to fix things.
My husband has been so wonderful and understanding through all this. I completely understand the frustrations he has. He has been going above and beyond. That is why it hurts that I cannot make things right for him. I feel like I am failing him and us. He does so much.
How much of this is in my head? How much of my guilt am I projecting on to him? How much of my anger at myself am I projecting on to him? How do I fix what feels so clearly broken? Not the relationship, just the situation.
I will have another cup of coffee and try to work my way through all of this emotion before he wakes up. Try to find some kind of balance for myself so that I can move forward. Try to make things right for both of us.