Today is my 100th blog! Yay! I am very proud of this. But what does one write about for their 100th blog? Should it be something special? Should there be some kind of fanfare? Or maybe I should just write?
I have noticed that as I get older I get overly sensitive to what people think of me. I shouldn’t. What strangers think should not keep me up at night. But it does. I think this is another reason I don’t like going out. If I make a mistake or do something wrong what the people around me think matters. If I feel that I have come across like an idiot then I project that on to a stranger and then worry about it endlessly… sometimes for days.
I have no idea why I do this. Why I insist on being liked and being the good guy. Especially if I get wronged in the process. Then I get to play the martyr. Poor me! I didn’t do anything wrong! Bah! I hate that about myself. But I have no idea how to change. I have tried burying the feelings, ignoring the feelings but if I do that then it all comes back in spades. I can feel guilty for something from years ago that others have long forgotten.
This need to be liked or be looked at as good or nice… It shouldn’t be so ingrained. It shouldn’t hurt me emotionally if someone is angry with me. Especially a complete stranger. The guilt is bad enough with someone I care about. So my temporary solution is to stay home and then when I do go out try not to let my emotions get in the way. Not the best but it is what I have.
I am feeling a bit stunned as I write this. I have been told that a good friend has just lost her husband. I guess he passed away at home. It sounds like it his sleep. She is going to be so lost without him… And now I’m crying. I will post this and go give her a call.