It is way too early for me to be up. I did a binge watch of “Endeavor” on Amazon Prime. I was going to go to bed at the end of season 2 but the cliff hanger was so great I had to watch the first episode of the third season. I hate it when they do that! But then I could have greater self control. It’s not like it was going anywhere nor would it change anything if I chose to wait to see what happened.
I find that is something I don’t like and try to change about myself. I want instant gratification, not always but often enough. I find that if I take too long preparing food I don’t want it anymore. I still eat it but my mind is already looking for something else. If I wait too long to do something I won’t care about doing it. The anticipation lasts only so long before the brain moves on and the emotions no longer care.
I don’t know what to do to change things. I have been in limbo with what has been going on I expect the worst and am surprised when things turn out well. I will live in a panic because I assume things will not work out as they should. Those few times I dared hope for the best did not exactly pan out… or if they did I waited in dread for the shoe to drop and things to backfire. Even explaining I go for the negative.
I was a positive person once. Now I am cynical and seem to trust at the wrong time. I tend to believe the worst will happen. On the flip side some wonderful things have happened out of the blue and I allowed myself to bask in the warmth and happiness without the negativity. That is a good feeling.
I am too empathetic. I connect emotionally with too much and too closely. It can tear me apart inside. And has. I will feel like I am made of tissue paper inside and just get shredded. I shed tears and hurt as if it is my life that was damaged. I cannot seem to pull myself back. I lose myself. Then I will hurt for them for seemingly days. I can’t believe life could be so cruel to them.
The dark winter days are not helping. I tend to do much better in sunshine and warmth. But alas the dark days of winter are upon us. For another three months if we are unlucky. So I will do the best I can and try to keep a positive mind set. I will find happiness in the now and hope for the future.