Emotions, Life

Why Do I Want It Now?

It is way too early for me to be up.  I did a binge watch of “Endeavor” on Amazon Prime.  I was going to go to bed at the end of season 2 but the cliff hanger was so great I had to watch the first episode of the third season.  I hate it when they do that!  But then I could have greater self control.  It’s not like it was going anywhere nor would it change anything if I chose to wait to see what happened.

I find that is something I don’t like and try to change about myself.  I want instant gratification, not always but often enough.  I find that if I take too long preparing food I don’t want it anymore.  I still eat it but my mind is already looking for something else.  If I wait too long to do something I won’t care about doing it.  The anticipation lasts only so long before the brain moves on and the emotions no longer care.

I don’t know what to do to change things.  I have been in limbo with what has been going on I expect the worst and am surprised when things turn out well.  I will live in a panic because I assume things will not work out as they should.  Those few times I dared hope for the best did not exactly pan out… or if they did I waited in dread for the shoe to drop and things to backfire.  Even explaining I go for the negative.

I was a positive person once.  Now I am cynical and seem to trust at the wrong time.  I tend to believe the worst will happen.  On the flip side some wonderful things have happened out of the blue and I allowed myself to bask in the warmth and happiness without the negativity.  That is a good feeling.

I am too empathetic.  I connect emotionally with too much and too closely.  It can tear me apart inside.  And has.  I will feel like I am made of tissue paper inside and just get shredded.  I shed tears and hurt as if it is my life that was damaged.  I cannot seem to pull myself back.  I lose myself.  Then I will hurt for them for seemingly days.  I can’t believe life could be so cruel to them.

The dark winter days are not helping.  I tend to do much better in sunshine and warmth.  But alas the dark days of winter are upon us.  For another three months if we are unlucky.  So I will do the best I can and try to keep a positive mind set.  I will find happiness in the now and hope for the future.

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