Day one on NaNoWriMo done and I actually made my goal! For some reason though my anxiety is up today. Part of it may be leaving the house, but I had no issues the other day. I did everything that I have on my daily list except for one thing. And that one thing I have no confidence in myself. I think I will fail so I don’t even try. If I try my mind freezes up and I cannot get ideas or work thru it. I am stuck.
I look at all my lovely books on writing, some on writer’s block, and I start to reach for them. But then I worry that I won’t put the book down. That I will use the book as a security blanket and cover my head from my monsters. If I do that then no writing gets done. My anxiety goes away because I am running in neutral. Things will begin to pile up because they are not done. Put the book down. I can’t! It is so helpful! It is just what I needed to hear right now! So I don’t pick a book up.
Something needs to give though. I’m hoping it won’t be me. It is so easy to fall behind and I have woven a delicate web around myself with a routine so that I get things done, even if it is a little at a time. On rend in the web and the whole thing could collapse. There is a delicate balance as I tip toe from one strand to another. But am I the spider or the fly? If I am truthful I am both. I am the spider weaving the delicate strands together to make my life, to make it more solid. Yet I am the fly as well. That is my anxiety feeding my spider. That fly can be poison, is poison. But that is all my spider is catching in her web right now. I need different flies.
Maybe it is as simple as redesigning the web. But where does she start? What design will attract the right fly? Or maybe just avoid the nasty little creatures all together. There are no spider books for this, not this type of web design. “How to Build a Better Mouse Trap” but no “How to Build a Better Spider Web.” Maybe “Charlotte’s Web” has the answer. Use the web to write your truth. One strand at time.
So that is what I will try to do. Write my truth, one line at a time.