Emotions, family, Life, Writing

Where Do We Go From Here

I feel like I’m behind.  I’m trying to sleep in later since Sunday is our time change here.  As a result I caught little Stella doing number two on the floor as I am walking to the door to let them out.  Seems she couldn’t wait two seconds for me to open the door.

I got a lot done last night.  Vacuumed, dishes swapped out, two loads of laundry (and I put them away), swept the floor, washed the sink and counters and cleaned up the tables in the living room.  Oh and did the toilet in the master bathroom.  A lot yet not.  It did not take very long as I spaced things out over the evening.

I’m trying to do the right thing.  I’m trying to keep it all together so I don’t feel guilty doing my writing.  No, no one would say anything or do anything.  But I would feel guilty.  I am home and have time to do things besides write.  It’s not fair if I don’t do that for him,  For us.

I’m sitting here hoping the coffee kicks in soon (or the spacebar starts working when I push it the first time… I’m not picky at this point).  I’m also looking at my stack of writing  books.  I have quite a bit but I pulled the ones I wanted to reference and try to read near by where I write.  I also have a bag near so I can trundle a few of them to a different spot if I want to.  I also have a short stack of fiction I am reading, mostly at night to go to sleep.

I look around and I have everything I need to do what I love.  So why don’t the words come?  Why such anxiety?  I know I can write.  I know am pretty good at it when I’m on my A game.  So why?  Failure?  Possibly.  I have all the tools so now it’s down to me.  I’ve passed on many of my dreams and I’m down to this one.  If I lose this I lose all.  So hold on like grim death.

I hope by doing NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month for those who don’t know) I can teach myself to work thru the anxiety and write anyway.  I have been doing this to an extent with my blog (and thank you for not booing me off the stage).  But if I’m going to get serious about doing a big project I need to be able to do this.  If I can make a difference there then I can try it in other aspects of my life.  I can start to move forward and climb out of the pit I managed to dig for myself.  Even later in my life I can start again.  Just like the bloom that is opening on my vine late in the season.

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