family

Dribbling with a Basketcase

I know things could be worse.  But things are bad enough each example that I can give in my head I said, “Yeah but I have this or this going on.  It might not be as bad but it is to me.”  I can rationalize it this way today.   And I can’t get away from it.  My mind has been in rebellion since yesterday afternoon. My emotions have followed suit.  As a result I can only keep liquids down.  Food is not my friend right now.  I cannot focus on much of anything.  This is the only writing I have done is my blog.  I am flipping between books because my anxiety will kick in with something I’m reading so I switch books.  If I go to non-fiction then I can’t remain focused over a few pages.  If I scan my news page that doesn’t help.  There’s misery there too.  There’s the stretch limo that killed 20 in a crash.  There’s the woman who thought she was being sexually assaulted by a kids backpack.  I mean there is nothing there positive today.  I go to my writing site and I have an offer of points if I will rate and review someone.  The first thing I think is I will do it for nothing if you want.  And I get upset because I feel as though they think they need to buy me.  (I know this is not the case.  We don’t even know each other but this is my mind set.)

I completely went off the deep end last night (and I can feel the anxiety fear creeping in because it knows what I am going to talk about) because I am scared to death to leave Moose for five days when we go to see his family for Thanksgiving.  I understand he will be fine.  Especially when we get home.  But I have never been apart from him in his 6 years.  He has become my rock when I am scared or upset.  And I do the same for him.  The fear that bubbles up in regard to this is paralyzing.  If I can manage to get my mind off of that for long enough it pulls more fears that evolve from problems (or possible problems) up to the front.  Simple things like having to set an alarm for Monday morning because I have to be up to go to the Unemployment office.  It begins with a fear of leaving the house (will the dogs be quiet so Chris can sleep while I am gone? etc.).   Then will something happen on the road?  When I get there will I be forced to get a job outside the house since I get the feeling that the article queries I send out are not exactly what they want for a speedy get off of unemployment situation?  What about the garage?  What if they don’t show again? Am I going to have to call up and raise holy hell?  I’m tired of calling him pissed off to find out where they are.  I just want the garage built!

So here I am on a bleak Sunday morning trying to write all of this out of my system.  I’m sure the dark, cold and impending rain aren’t helping.  My body and mind both hurt.  I try not to turn to alcohol to help.  I am successful most days (being broke helps) but once in a while I do.  Good grief I am quite the mess… or is basketcase more appropriate?  I guess it depends on the day.  Today might be a basketcase kind of day.  Dribble on!

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