Another day has dawned and it is beautiful. The temperature is perfect, the sun is out and the fall colors are really coming into their own. And as I do every morning I sit here with my coffee and dogs at the coffee table to do this. Moose has stretched out behind me on the floor. That way no one else can touch me. Or maybe he senses some of my anxiety.
I’m half listening for the builders to show. Although I may have misheard and they may be coming tomorrow to dig the holes for the foundation. They got here extra early yesterday to get the ground leveled out.
I’m trying so hard to keep everything right for everyone else so I can squeeze myself into the cracks. I do my best to keep the house clean as well as laundry and dishes and keep the kids quiet til Chris gets up since I’m not “working” in the normal sense. I put down all the places I have sent queries to for Unemployment so that I can stay home a little longer to do my writing. And now I need to make sure that I have the week of Thanksgiving off so that I can fly with Chris to be with his family. I try to play with the kids and keep them busy so they will be tired at night (they are so good about snoozing when I do my blogs in the morning). I try to keep in contact with family and friends so that they don’t worry. But all I really want to do a lot of the time is just curl up in a shell. I push to do my writing because it’s what I need to do. If I do nothing…. Chris found an awesome pendant with a skull coin about living and dying. I believe it was in Latin. Essentially you need to live. Not watch life pass you by (as I am want to do a lot). I used to not be like this. Over the past few years I have turned into a homebody who will go to the store but that is about all I will do willingly. I worry about what could happen when I’m not here. I spend too much time worrying about things I have no control over.
I took the bike out for a ride yesterday. It felt good. Scary but good. I slid in some sand at the gas pump and scared myself. With the bike I not only worry about things I have no control over but what I DO have control over as well. Namely me. What if I mess up? I can’t afford to fix the bike (or me) if I mess up. Am I going fast enough to take this corner? Am I going too slow? Will I drop the bike? Am I cutting this corner too close? All these questions and more just bubble to the surface of my brain and soak it every time I think about riding my bike. I’ve been riding for quite a few years now. I’m not an idiot. I know what I’m doing. But I over think it. And I can’t just push my way thru it. Sometimes I can throw a leg over and go and the anxiety leaves or atleast diminishes. But, sadly, what seems to happen more and more is that the anxiety will continue to build even as I ride. I second guess myself turning or going thru corners. I worry about things that might randomly show up in or on the road. To the point that I am worse by the time I get to where I’m going than when I started. But if I “chicken out” and don’t ride then I put myself thru the guilt trip for the rest of the day. Because I look at the roads as if I had ridden in. Oh well this would’ve been a nice corner. Or glad I didn’t ride in because there’s all that crap in the road.
So what has happened to me? All I want to do is stay home. If I go on an adventure I had better be able to come home to my dogs at the end of the day. I used to be up for anything. I even did some indoor rock climbing (I am terrified of heights but I made it up the 30 ft wall by myself). We used to go to Indianapolis around my birthday in August to watch the MotoGP. Leave Wednesday night or Thursday morning and come back on Sunday. We’d go out on the weekends (or days we had off together. I’d go out with friends. Now I make up reasons why I can’t do something. I can’t explain the anxiety and panic to most of them. They have never seen me in that light. I’m always the one everyone looks up to, the one who does rather than talks about it. Well not any more kiddies. I seem to be more talk than action.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard for me on many levels. First speed bump will be flying. I HATE it. The last two times I have flown bad things happened and I was miserable. Atleast I will have Chris with me this time. Next will be leaving the kids. Moose and I have never been apart since I rescued him over six years ago. NEVER BEEN APART. He is my boy. He is always sleeping by me. I hope he will be ok. I hope I will be ok. Essie and Dante have been around long enough that we have gone to the MotoGP so they have spent time away from me. Stella is still a baby so I think she will be ok. But will our dog sitter be here enough? He works long hours and is bringing his Pitbull to stay as well. What if something happens? What if???? You see how quickly this will snowball? And once we are there I will be on egg shells because I will be meeting a lot of his family for the first time. He has a big family and I am friends with a lot of them on Facebook and I know they will want to see Chris and meet me. My mind finds that so terribly overwhelming. They are wonderful people! Don’t get me wrong. It’s all me.
Well they might be here with the auger. So I guess I’d better stop for now.