family

Emptiness

It’s cool, dark and raining.  Normally I like days like today because that means I’ll stay focused on my writing or I can spend the day watching old horror movies.  But today… today doesn’t feel right.  Despite the fact that it’s October I’m not ready for steady cold.  I am a warm weather girl.  Season change this time of year doesn’t do much for me.  The dogs still want to go in and out the same amount.  They don’t realize that we shouldn’t leave the door open all the time.

The weather makes me  feel empty.  Like there is nothing there, just space.  I struggle more and more when this time of year rolls around.  This year my love of Halloween isn’t making much of a dent inside.  Part of it is job loss I’m sure.  Another part is that when I was working retail my resentment started building up around this time.  Resentment for having to sell holidays instead of celebrate them.  Resentment at others being able to spend time with their family and friends without clock watching.

No more long hours dealing with unhappy people.  Truthfully it has taken it’s toll.  I have a lot more negative in me from trying to make things right for others.  I look around me and I am grateful for all we have…. but look at how much time has passed!  How much of all of this have we been able to take the time to appreciate?  How much time have we taken to be thankful?  I sat down the other day and realized that I am now 46 years old.  both my parents are in their 70s.  When did that happen?  My husband and I have been together almost 30 years now. Where has all this time gone?  Truthfully all this scares the hell out of me.

Have I wasted my life?  Have I done what I wanted to?  I think that is why I am so desperate to do this writing thing.  I was good at it once and it was a good side job for me.  But I got away from it (I think it was because I moved down to Louisville) and have only dabbled sporadically  in the years since.  I enjoyed writing and communicating with the written word.  I was a social butterfly as well.   Always outgoing and chatty.  Now I feel like nothing more than an empty shell.

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