As I sit here typing away I feel the anxiety begin to grow within me. Anxiety that I will have to function in the world once this has been typed and saved. I have lost my job of 15 years due to company bankruptcy. I had the brilliant idea of making a go of getting serious about my writing. See about getting published on a regular basis so I wouldn’t have to deal with the public anymore. I’ve signed up for unemployment while I try to get this all going. The first few days went well. I relaxed and sent out a few queries and got a reviewing job (a small magazine with minimal pay but I need to start somewhere and I enjoy reading the magazine). Weeks have gone by and I have entered a few contests. I have started another blog (which has no one reading it). I have rejoined various writing sites I belonged to in the past.
Not only have my words and ideas dried up and blown away but I have noticed that I am most happy when I do not have to leave the house. If I need to leave I am instantly angry at whatever the reason is that I am leaving for (unless it is a quick trip to the store or in a panic taking a hurt dog to the emergency vet). I am usually fine once I get where I am going but the trip may or may not go well. Music helps.
I haven’t ridden my beloved motorcycle for almost a month now. I even contemplate taking him out to just go around the block and a full blown panic attack will set in. Will I mess up and screw up my dream bike? Will some other idiot who is not paying attention do it? No one pays attention when they drive anymore. They have driven this way so often it is muscle memory so they play with their phone, the radio, text, anything but seeing what is going on around them. Surely someone else will see them and stop in time!
And there is everything else that could possibly go wrong. What is the people I rescued the puppy from decide to try to get her back or just destroy something or hurt one of my other dogs (unlikely as the people do NOT know where I live)? What if someone doesn’t like big dogs or Pitbulls and tries to get the kids taken away from me? What if unemployment doesn’t go through and I have to step back into the work force (that brings another dose of anxiety)? What if????
So I stay home as much as I can. I make myself do things around the house like clean, bake, work out in the yard, exercise, play with the kids. I make myself try to function because if I didn’t all I would do would be either sit and reread books or sit and watch old horror movies. Thank the Goddess for my Mom taking me out a few weeks ago. I got some new books to read. All I seem to do is reread my old ones. They are like a comfort blanket or stuffed animal I haul around and get lost in. I know what is going to happen. I am safe.
I sit here on the floor as I type this and look around at my stacks of help books. Mostly for writing, a few fiction, one on anxiety and a smattering of others. My dogs are snoozing around me in the living room as this is my writing time. Once I turn off the laptop they will wake up to get attention, go potty and just be up for the day. I love them more than I can say. My husband is still sleeping because he works nights. He has been so patient with me (and the dogs). He tries to understand but he has his own problems he is dealing with (not the least of which is his Mom being diagnosed with cancer in her lung). I love him more than I can say. Family and friends have been very supportive. But here I am. A big (I almost typed little…HA) ball of anxiety. I have just about everything going for me and I can barely function some days.
So I reach out to strangers…