I have lost my dreams. There was so much I was passionate about and now…. meh. I had goals. Life meant something. It was meant to be lived!
Now I merely exist in my little day to day world. I have my four dogs who help keep me sane (although some days that could be questionable). I garden some. I have my motorcycle.
I have my husband and parents. But I have lost me. Fundamentally I don’t know who I am anymore. Sure I can tell you my likes and dislikes. But what do I want? What makes me happy?
I don’t know.
Change of any kind scares the hell out of me. Will send me into a panic attack some times (more often than not of late)…. Things that used to make me deliriously happy now can scare the hell out of me. I can’t tell you how much I HATE that.
I just drift along til something catches my attention. But most things cannot hold it.
Part of it is that I have been stabbed in the back by people who were supposed to help me. I trusted them. I had to give up a dream each time. And now when I go back to that dream I find it lacking. Not gonna work so why get excited about it again?
And a lot of that is why I keep drinking. Doesn’t hurt as much. I even feel hope and excitement on occasion! I don’t feel lost and useless.
I don’t see me not using my genie in a bottle anytime soon. There are good days and bad. Sometimes a week or more will go by. But then something inside snaps or just too damn tired to fight anymore.
I wish I could find my dreams and myself and believe in them again. I find it ironic when I hear how great people think I am with all I have accomplished and seemingly want to do.
I am but an empty shell.