I’m taking the bike to work today. This might not seem like a big deal for someone who is passionate about bikes like myself. But it is when you are constantly second guessing yourself and not trusting yourself like I do. There are days when I purposely will look for an excuse NOT to ride because I don’t believe in my riding abilities.
But then I see videos that my friends share of themselves or others with disabilities who are out there riding. Two that I can think of race competitively on track.
Today I sat and watched some of those videos (one racer is paralysed from the waist down and another is missing an arm and leg on the same side). As I watched those videos I thought to myself of how much harder it would be to ride with my fears if I was in their positions. The racer missing an arm and leg is currently in Mugello, Italy racing that awe inspiring track. The other racer is dirt track. DIRT track. As much as those guys use their feet and legs to turn etc….. And did some jumps.
Both these guys are amazing! If they can overcome not just their mental fears but their body’s limitations as well then surely I can push myself a little harder to conquer my fears.
So thank you to all the riders and racers out there who continue to ride and race despite challenges that we may or may not see. You inspire some of us to keep pushing.



As I sit outside and enjoy my afternoon it makes me think of all the good things. Simple things like not being at work, doing what I want, be outside in actual summer weather…
But there is more too. The unconditional love and support of family and friends (some of my friends I have not even met yet), the love and patience of my fur babies (because I know I don’t play with them as often as they’d like). Patience with myself and trying to know when to push myself both on and off my bike. Gratitude for the beauty that surrounds me in my yard (the grass may be way long but my plants and flowers are beautiful! And the wildlife that comes everyday… Hummingbirds, dragonflies, chipmunks , our resident frog to name a few).
And the powers that be gently throwing challenges my way like my forensics and paleontology classes. Things that I can push myself with but if things don’t work out it was still an experience.
You don’t think you make a difference in the lives in other people. You just try to do the right thing . It’s nice to learn that you really can and do make a difference by just being yourself. A simple thank you, a birthday card or even just a hug.

I know this is a lot of general rambling. I guess what I want to say is thank you. Thank you for caring. Thank you for reading. Thank you for the opportunity to give my two cents.



Genie in a Bottle

I have lost my dreams. There was so much I was passionate about and now…. meh. I had goals. Life meant something. It was meant to be lived!
Now I merely exist in my little day to day world. I have my four dogs who help keep me sane (although some days that could be questionable). I garden some. I have my motorcycle.
I have my husband and parents. But I have lost me. Fundamentally I don’t know who I am anymore. Sure I can tell you my likes and dislikes. But what do I want? What makes me happy?
I don’t know.

Change of any kind scares the hell out of me. Will send me into a panic attack some times (more often than not of late)…. Things that used to make me deliriously happy now can scare the hell out of me. I can’t tell you how much I HATE that.
I just drift along til something catches my attention. But most things cannot hold it.
Part of it is that I have been stabbed in the back by people who were supposed to help me. I trusted them. I had to give up a dream each time. And now when I go back to that dream I find it lacking. Not gonna work so why get excited about it again?
And a lot of that is why I keep drinking. Doesn’t hurt as much. I even feel hope and excitement on occasion! I don’t feel lost and useless.
I don’t see me not using my genie in a bottle anytime soon. There are good days and bad. Sometimes a week or more will go by. But then something inside snaps or just too damn tired to fight anymore.
I wish I could find my dreams and myself and believe in them again. I find it ironic when I hear how great people think I am with all I have accomplished and seemingly want to do.
I am but an empty shell.20140805-223552-81352986.jpg