Month: July 2014

   I’m going to be 42 years old this August.  I really do look very good for my age.  Most people mistake me for a twenty-something (bless them!).  I have always acted young.  Well…. when I was younger everyone thought I was older but once I got legal I guess I stopped aging.  But as Indiana Jones said “It’s not the years it’s the mileage!”
   I should be happy right?  Loving husband of 24 years who thinks I’m the sexiest thing.  I can turn the heads of 18 year olds.  J can do things physically that most women can’t (like pick up my motorcycle when I drop her).  My four big dogs keep me busy at home and at work I’m busy somedays hauling heavy stuff around in 5 inch wedge shoes and a skirt.  I can hold my own with the guys for the most part.  I have 8 beautiful tattoos that I am very proud of.
   So why am I not happy with the way I look?  I have not gained weight so much as muscled up my butt, shoulders, and legs.   I weigh the same as I did in high school.   It’s my middle I hate.  When I sit down I get a 2 inch wide roll around the belly.  If I sit up straight I can pull up and even it out.  I know there is good muscle under that bit of fluff!  My sides are ok but when I see them a certain way I’m not happy.  I do workout once in a while.  I don’t over eat.  I have good metabolism (thank you Gramma!). 
   I have looked a lot to the outer world for reinforcing my ego.  I shouldn’t but I do.  I can accept anyones flaws but my own.  No I’m not going to get some eating disorder.  I love food too much to disrespect it like that.  I have high standards for myself.  I either have to find a way to reach them of change them.

   So here I am on my last day of vacation.  I have decided to try to move forward in my life.  I need to make positive changes and start living for me.  This will hurt no one but mean everything to me.
   I will take daily and weekly steps toward my goals.  I will finally make a difference to myself.

   My problem is I need to share.  But if I share too much I will lose my momentum and my sense of self.  I will no longer do it for me.  I will do it because it is expected of me.  If I do not share then I have no outside encouragement and thus lose my momentum.   It is a fine line.  Frustrating but there it is.
   So how much to share and when to share it?  And what do I share?  And by what medium?  Using one method one day might work and just be frustrating the next.
   There needs to be a give and take between me and the outside world.  I need to know what I do matters to others.  This is where I am right now.  I will move in my own time and in my own direction.