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Venting and fear

   Well I’m working six days in a row again so I’d better try to squeeze on in here.  Not really sure what to talk about today.
   I look around the house and it is a bit of a mess.  Not bad.  I look outside and think of everything we need to get done.  First and foremost we need some kind of fencing.  We have five acres with probably a half acre fenced in for the dogs.  This fence is made from chicken wire and wooden posts.  Fencing is coming down and the posts are rotting so they need to be replaced.  We are looking at an invisible fence.  I still want a physical fence so others can bring their pets over.  Then there is the grass (I’m pretty sure it’s still there under all that white stuff).  The mower that had been “fixed” has not worked since.  We have a lot of grass and despite having four big dogs they can only eat so much grass.  Soooo I need to figure out what I’m going to do.  Find a mower of my own or pay someone to do it for me.  And the gardens.  Ponds need to be cleaned.  Gardens cleaned.  Plants planted as well as up keep.  The bikes need to be cleaned up (translate fresh bodywork and engine maintenance).
   I feel like a basket case because instead of looking forward to changes and planning for them I am stressing to the max about where the money will come from.  I don’t enjoy the possibilities.  I freak out over cost.  More time to be spent at work and not at home where I want to be.
   Why don’t I let myself enjoy life anymore?  All I seem to do is picture all that could go wrong.  Or I really shouldn’t do this for myself.  I should be spending the money/time/energy on something else.  Did I do it right?  Am I going to have enough money/time/energy to do everything that needs to be done now?
   I feel like a rat in an electrified cage.  Smart enough to avoid most of the issues but not smart enough to find a way out.

   I really do have good days (yesterday was one of them) and even good weeks.  But I need to vent my fears and issues to try to get some kind of handle on them.  I cannot continue down this road of unhappiness and emotional roller coasters.  I want to enjoy my life most of the time instead of just once in a while.
   So thank you for listening to me vent!  I will try to make my next post more upbeat.  šŸ™‚

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