Venting and fear

   Well I’m working six days in a row again so I’d better try to squeeze on in here.  Not really sure what to talk about today.
   I look around the house and it is a bit of a mess.  Not bad.  I look outside and think of everything we need to get done.  First and foremost we need some kind of fencing.  We have five acres with probably a half acre fenced in for the dogs.  This fence is made from chicken wire and wooden posts.  Fencing is coming down and the posts are rotting so they need to be replaced.  We are looking at an invisible fence.  I still want a physical fence so others can bring their pets over.  Then there is the grass (I’m pretty sure it’s still there under all that white stuff).  The mower that had been “fixed” has not worked since.  We have a lot of grass and despite having four big dogs they can only eat so much grass.  Soooo I need to figure out what I’m going to do.  Find a mower of my own or pay someone to do it for me.  And the gardens.  Ponds need to be cleaned.  Gardens cleaned.  Plants planted as well as up keep.  The bikes need to be cleaned up (translate fresh bodywork and engine maintenance).
   I feel like a basket case because instead of looking forward to changes and planning for them I am stressing to the max about where the money will come from.  I don’t enjoy the possibilities.  I freak out over cost.  More time to be spent at work and not at home where I want to be.
   Why don’t I let myself enjoy life anymore?  All I seem to do is picture all that could go wrong.  Or I really shouldn’t do this for myself.  I should be spending the money/time/energy on something else.  Did I do it right?  Am I going to have enough money/time/energy to do everything that needs to be done now?
   I feel like a rat in an electrified cage.  Smart enough to avoid most of the issues but not smart enough to find a way out.

   I really do have good days (yesterday was one of them) and even good weeks.  But I need to vent my fears and issues to try to get some kind of handle on them.  I cannot continue down this road of unhappiness and emotional roller coasters.  I want to enjoy my life most of the time instead of just once in a while.
   So thank you for listening to me vent!  I will try to make my next post more upbeat.  🙂


Depression and Winter

Finally a day off!  🙂
   I have felt depression creeping in lately.  I do not like this.  Unfortunately there is not much I can do right now to fix it.  The weather here keeps getting worse which makes the roads bad.  And with a forty five minute drive to work (which has turned in to an hour each way with weather) with white knuckle driving…. Let’s just say the stress level goes up quite a few notches!
   Days off turn into a day of me curling into a ball and doing nothing.  I take care of the zoo and that’s about it.  I hate the cold.  I hate the snow.  And this year we have had an abundance of both.  Yesterday was snow and blowing snow.  Today we have sun but -20-30°F with wind chill.  I am seriously thinking of getting some tanning minutes.  The UV seems to help my moods.
   I also have not had a drink in a week/seven days as of today.  I managed to scare myself pretty good the last time I did cocktails so I just stopped.  Good I guess but I don’t feel a sense of accomplishment.  Just something I did.
   See what I mean?  I’m not happy.  I’m coasting along in neutral.  Riding season seems so far away (this attitude is an improvement as I didn’t really care one way or the other before).  I am trying to find joy in the little things.  Then I feel guilty for not being happy for everyone else.  I don’t want to bring others down.  But I am tired of faking it.  A vicious circle.
   I have been good about doing my journal every day and I am drinking water every day now.  So there are steps forward.  And I am struggling not to type the dreaded “but”….  I guess it’s just not enough. 
   Winters have been getting harder and harder for me.  Since I got the motorcycle I guess but I don’t think that’s the only reason.  I hate being cold and being stuck inside.  Being indoors by choice is one thing.
   I keep trying to move forward and now wish my days away.  My family keeps smiles on my face.  My friends do too.  I am grateful for them.  It’s the little things.  Forwards or backwards it all matters in the end.



   Well this morning we woke up to -19°F!  Gah!  I hate this stuff!  The dogs don’t even want to go out!  The Pitbull is the hardest to get outside because she is a sun bunny like her momma.  🙂
   I have the day off but I am afraid to use it lest I squander it.  My next day off is a week from today.  I was not a happy camper when I saw that.
   Have you ever wanted to do nothing but still get everything done?  That’s what I’m doing today.  And I have noticed that I’m easy to anger too.  It’s like I’m too high strung.  The little things seem to make me the most angry.  I’m not sure what to do.  I try to not let things get to me but I am wound too tight.
   The Pitty wants me to just love on her all day.  🙂  I have to keep my four dogs quiet because my husband works nights.  Some days are easier than others.  For the most part they are a good bunch of babies.  Could not imagine my life without them.
   My Pit-lab mix, Moose, is too smart.  He has figured out how to open the sliding glass door.  We usually leave their collars on the handle so if the door is not locked he will pull on the collars to open the door.  He can open it even if the collars are not on the handle.  He also knocks on the door to go in or out and will jingle the collars to let me know he has to go out.  🙂
   The Black Lab mix, Dante, is loving this weather.  He hangs out in the backyard and makes snow angels.
   The last of the crew is the American Bulldog, Seven Minions.  The previous owners named him Seven (he had seven black dots on his nose as a pup…they have since come together to form the continent Africa) but I called the dogs my Minions and he started to think it was his name.  The name does fit though!
   All four are quite the bunch of characters.  They keep me going since I don’t get to see the husband much.
   Guess I’ll end this here and try to pull out another piece of writing to work on.



   I’ve decided to write on my days off for my blog.  That will give me two days a week.  🙂
   Fear seems to be rearing it’s ugly head again.  And all my most pressing fears are of me messing up.  With my motorcycle me messing up and looking like an idiot or getting hurt/hurting someone else.  Same with driving on
snow and ice.  Going back to school for archaeology I’m afraid to fail.  Writing is a fear of failing.  Which I am doing by not writing.
   I had a bad experience with an editor when I was doing reviews.  I had worked with this editor for a few years at this point.  I wrote a review in a rather fun quirky style.  He said it wasn’t good.  Not what he wanted.  I wrote another version (I didn’t like it) and he became more and more nit picky.  We parted ways soon after.  About a year later I happened across a review in said magazine.  My original review no less.  And no it was not my name on the by line!  The irony is I had no proof because that laptop had bricked itself and my back up discs were missing.
After that I haven’t done any serious writing.  I’m scared to.
   That I think is enough for now.  I’m feeling a bit raw.



Well today I am going to start a new chapter of my life.  I’m going to make a conscious effort to move forward with my writing.  It won’t be easy because the well has frozen for a few years.  But it is time for a thaw.  

I hope that by going public I can push myself to set and meet my personal goals.  I guess we’ll see what happens!  I will do this blog as well as my own personal journalling to start.  I hope to add other activities as we go.

So thanks for reading!  Any comments are welcome!