A Little At A Time

A late post. I tried to get up earlier since I had to write my article but nope. Even Stella stayed in bed longer than normal this morning. We got more snow over the course of the day and night. It wasn’t too bad to drive in but by the time I got home it had started snowing in earnest. So I was glad I wasn’t out in it.

Despite me letting her out before I left and telling her I was just going to cover a meeting I still came home to a pee spot on the rug. So it seems she is back to this again. I am going to take her with to go get my pricing for my memorial tattoo for Essie this morning. Then we will go for a little drive around. Maybe that will help. I know it is acting out because Essie is gone. I’m not angry angry with her. But I hope that it doesn’t go on for very long. But with mourning who can tell.

I have so many little things that need to get done around here. Do I do them? Do I work on my writing? I feel like a fraud sometimes because everyone is so impressed that I write every day. But it is usually just one thing that I work on (this). It’s not like I do a bunch of different things. I try to but it never seems to work out that way. I don’t know if I should try calling Dad or not. It has been several weeks since we talked. If he is doing the “woe is me” thing I might not be able to. I got my own “woe is me” going on here.

Stella is being overly busy. She just came in here to get a bunch of love. Now she is pacing the living room. And now back in here. I guess that means I need to wrap this up. By the time I get photos and that on here it should be about time to go. Thanks for reading and stay safe!


Alone At Last!

I am grateful that Chris plowed the drive Sunday. It is starting to pile up again but it is navigable where he plowed. I looked out the front door and the snow is almost to the top of the porch. I should probably check the bird feeder today as well.

I got home to pee on the carpet last night. That I was willing to forgive as it is the first time she has been by herself since Essie died. What I could NOT forgive was that she dug through Moose’s folded blanket to get to Essie’s frisbee and ate half of the frisbee. She got in a lot of trouble for that one.

I got in touch with my tattoo guy and I am going in tomorrow to talk to him about specifics with the tattoo. He is willing to put some of Essie’s ashes in the ink so I am very excited about the whole thing. I hope it won’t cost too much but we will see.

I had a coworker tell me that she had just been diagnosed with stage 3 sciroccos of the liver. She is scared to death. Then another coworker is trying to get her daughter to come up and stay for awhile for her own health. Her daughter got COVID and it has scarred her lungs badly. Her doctors want her to get out of the city for a bit so her lungs can heal otherwise the smog that will inevitably occur this Spring and Summer could kill her. But her daughter is being stubborn. So we were the closing crew last night and cried several times together. The coworker that was diagnosed with the liver issues wants to tell her family but doesn’t want them to worry. We told her to tell them some but not all of her diagnosis. If she wants to share more later she can. I told her she was going to come with me and get “less is more” tattooed on her arm so she would remember. We laughed. But she might do it. She talked about ways to embellish the wording. We’ll see.

So far the general consensus is that 2022 sucks. We aren’t even through the first month and we have lost loved ones, major health issues, accidents…. Yeah, no one is a fan. I am hoping that the body aches will go away as the day progresses. I don’t think my body realizes that I have the day off. Mostly. I just checked my phone to see if the meeting got cancelled. Still on. Depending on the weather I will leave about 35 minutes before the meeting. Maybe 40. I want to make sure that if their roads out that way are bad I have enough time to slow down.

I will wrap this up and get to…. whatever I’m going to get to. Maybe some work on my novel. There is a lot that I need to work on. I also need to check my seeds and see how they are doing. This also means I need to clean out the long window box so they have somewhere to grow bigger. I did clean up a few of my plants before work yesterday. Maybe I will keep going with the gardening theme. Anyways… thanks for reading and especially thank you to all of you that have reached out with your personal stories and love. I really appreciate it. Stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Automotive, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Doing What I Do

What I would not give for some alone time to process my grief! Instead I get to go to work and deal with people. I read the wrong schedule so it turns out that I am working tonight and even though I have tomorrow off I still need to drive to Elk Rapids to cover a meeting.

I actually got decent sleep last night since I didn’t get woken up every little while. Hopefully that will help at work. I will be well and truly exhausted by the time I get to bed tonight. Last night I just pretty much came home and went to bed. I read for a little bit but not very long.

Mother Nature is trying to make up for lost time apparently. Rumor has it that we could get up to another foot (30cm) of snow in the next few days. One of my coworkers spun her truck out on the way in yesterday. I guess she almost rolled it. But she is ok just shaken up. Her truck might be a different matter. They are still melting all the snow that got pushed up underneath. If there is an damage to the frame she will probably have to total it. The plow trucks have been out but it seems as though the roads get plowed down to ice. I would rather them leave some snow for traction. On ice all you do is slide. And if it is windy that day? Good luck!

I filled the bird feeder yesterday as it has been very busy since the snow hit. I counted no less than 10 different types of birds. They flew up out of reach into the trees while I filled things up then came back when I was done. I thought I would have to replace the suet but that was still mostly full.

I need to check to see if the plants need watering. It is very dry in here and some of them need to be watered several times a week because the dirt dries out. The lettuce seeds have already produced a shock of sprouts that have shot up in the small glass jar. That means that I need to clean out the long window box and get those in there. I thought they were supposed to take weeks to sprout. It has only been a few days.

I am going to wrap this up. If I am lucky I can get another hour or so of quiet before the house gets busy and I will need to get ready for work. Thank you again to everyone that has been reaching out over Essie’s death. I appreciate all the love and support. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, Exercise, family, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, Tattoos, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Through the Looking Glasses

Well we now have around a foot (30cm) of snow. It came down hard over the course of yesterday. It lays in thick drifts all over, even in the trees. Stella looks so lonely when she goes out now. I wonder how Spring will be. I am thinking of getting her a harness and then she and I start going for walks at the local park. It will get both of us out. I mentioned it to Chris to see if he wants to go along.

Laundry is wreaking havoc in the utility room by the sounds of it. Things keep falling off the machine as it spins the clothes out. I have no idea why. It is not a different load than normal. Stella keeps getting spooked when something crashes to the floor. I think she is realizing that Essie isn’t coming home again. I am not sure how she is dealing with it. Over the past week or so they both got very jealous of each other. They could be close at times but I just don’t know. I also don’t know how she will react the next time she goes to the vet. Normally she likes to go because she is a very social girl but after this? I know that there was a big change in the dogs when I brought Minion’s body home. After that they didn’t want to go to the vet’s.

I just have to get through today and I have 2 days off. I am going to need my alone time to process everything. I am also going to design Essie’s memorial tattoo. It will be her paw in my hand (I have a photo) and I am getting under my left bicep so that when I put my arm down I she is next to my heart. I am also using some of her ashes in the ink. I want to come up with a tattoo that represents all of my fur babies over the years. I am thinking of maybe just a never-ending line of script of all their names. Just have it wrap around my body. I will also need to see how much this will cost. I have to make sure bills get paid.

The house is so quiet. Essie was such a big personality…. Stella is busy but it is a different energy than Essie. And the fact that we are all cooped up in the house doesn’t help. I wonder what Stella will do Wednesday when we are both gone to work. Tuesday night I have a meeting (please self don’t forget the meeting) so it will be a small taste for her on her own. I worry about her. I worry about all of us. Maybe I will take Stella for a ride tomorrow. Just a drive around then back home to get her out. I still have the blanket in the back seat from Essie (my seat covers are cold this time of year).

I think I will wrap this up and see if I can do some work on my novel. Thanks for reading and I really appreciate the outpouring of love. Much love back to you all! Stay safe.


Heaven Has Another Angel

Things are a mess here. Essie has left a big hole in our lives and it is hard to know what to do. Last night I kept seeing her out of the corner of my eye on the couch. Then I would look and there was no one.

I truly don’t know what to write this morning. My sense of time is off. I have no idea if I gave myself enough time to do this. Or maybe too much time. It takes less time to feed one dog.

Work will be interesting. Atleast I can hide in the office if I need to. One of the perks of being opening manager. And really that is all I want right now. To curl up in a ball until this is all over. But I have to put on the brave strong front and deal with people. I am grateful that Chris will have Stella with him today.

Looking at the clock I guess I could’ve tried to sleep longer. Such a big empty hole where Essie used to be…. I will stop here. Thanks for reading. Stay safe.

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Another Broken January

My heart hurts. It is way too early and I am exhausted. Both girls are out here with me. Essie has a vet appointment at 3:30pm. And I think I have made the decision. She has too much that is going on right now. Too much is going wrong. We are up this early because Essie woke me at 5am panting heavily slamming her hear against me. It was like she couldn’t get up. I had to pull her away from Stella and just pet her for a bit. Even then she wouldn’t get up. Finally I went and got a big glass of water (she has been panting this whole time… and yes I realize that panting is a sign of pain in dogs) and that finally got her up. I let her out for a few minutes and when she came back in she got a drink. She wouldn’t go back to bed so I got my stuff and we came out here. I am so tired but when I tried to lay down on the couch (Essie left the couch and went to sleep on the loveseat since it is leather and cooler) sleep would not come. I just laid there and listened to her breathe. Then Stella came out and instead of curling up on the empty spot Essie had left at my feet decided to stand on me. I asked if they wanted breakfast and here we are. They are both sleeping and I am typing away.

Yesterday was filled with blessings despite my phone call to the vet. My Aunt made me a blanket and included two little buddies as a surprise. My Bath and Body Works order arrived (I love the smell of the coconut and sandalwood soap and they finally got more in and they were on sale cheap). One of my regulars at work who is an artist brought me more rocks that he had painted (he has given me several over the past few months as he cleans out his old work). I am being teased that my totem animal must be a penguin since all these guys keep bringing me rocks.

When Chris gets up I am going to give Essie a lot of tea kettle and then I got them bones. I will tell him to love on our baby girl as best he can. I don’t know if I am making the right decision but I can see that she is starting to suffer and I don’t want that for her. She scared the hell out of me this morning. I refuse to go to the emergency vet because I will be required to just drop her off at the door. I am not sending her in there by herself. The last time she was there was for stitches. She won’t be happy. She won’t be happy either way but my vet will let me come in with a mask. They understand and care. Here come the water works. I am trying not to cry because I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. Nor do I want to wake Chris.

Laundry is going since I need jeans for today. I was hoping to put things off with Essie until Monday since I have Monday and Tuesday off (I have a meeting Tuesday night but I can hang at the back on my own) but I guess I will have to deal with people raw. I think they will understand but I can’t turn my emotions on and off like a light switch. I really hate Januarys.

I am shocked that it is still pitch dark out. I had better stop here. In my current mental state I could go on for a long time. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Writing

Peering From the Snow Banks

Well we got a good chunk of the promise snow thus far. Anywhere between 4-6 inches (10-15cm) depending on where you look. We had strong winds last night so that moved things around a bit. Chris is going to get up around 11am to plow. We are supposed to continue to get snow through 1pm I believe. Right now the snow falling is very fine.

It seems as though it doesn’t matter how much sleep or the quality of sleep I get anymore. These past few days have wiped me out. Right now I feel like I have gotten next to no sleep despite getting around 8 hours. (You know you got snowed on when the plow trucks just go by with a soft shush.)

I got some quality work done on the novel yesterday before work. The big thing right now is going to be characters. I need lots of them. Both Italian and Norwegian. That is a bit overwhelming so I am circling the problem mentally. I have a lovely random name generator I found online that I can use. I might start there. There’s just so many that I need to bring to life to pull this story off! I have other things that need to be done but this is the biggest. I have purchased a small notebook to keep with me at work. I had forgotten one and if I get an idea there are only so many post it notes one can keep track of!

I filled the bird feeder the other day when I put more suet in but with this weather I should probably go and take a look see and make sure there is enough. I am also very grateful for the garage to keep the vehicles in. I don’t miss having to dig my car out to go to work!

Gah! I feel like there is something that I need to be doing… But I have no idea what it is. I should throw on some boots and shovel the back and side porches. That way the girls can get up and down the stairs easier as can we. Then I will check the bird feeder. Awww… there is a small chickadee just outside the front window on a branch. Ok, I will take that as my cue. I hope you are all doing fab! Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Movies, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Travel, Writing

The Mad Hatter

Yesterday was productive all things considered. I got all the dishes done and put away (we had accumulated several days worth), same with laundry, I cleaned up the floor in the utility room and put down an all weather mat for the boots, plants got watered and I even got 6 or 7 little glass pots with seeds started.

I got out of the house for an hour (Mom texted around 10:41am asking where I was and I reminded her that she cancelled with me the night before) and I got the mat for the house and a few other goodies. One of them is a cool looking pocket knife. It’s pretty sturdy even if it is a little chunky (this is from my machinist husband… I was concerned that I would get home and he would pronounce it crap due to either design or material). So I can now carry a pocket knife with me. I am very pleased.

We got several inches of snow that seem to have literally blown away. The wind has picked up considerably. I worry that it has made Essie sore/achy. Both girls have been acting odd. It is as if they switched personalities almost. I was sharing some food and Essie about took my fingers off where Stella took it gently (the opposite usually happens). Essie was also busy chewing on bones for several hours while Stella chewed hers until it was clean then came and curled up with me on the love seat (another complete reversal as Essie will normally barely finish her bone and be done while Stella will finish hers first and go look for more). And the jealousy… if I am giving one attention the other gets upset to the point she may actually come over and push her way in. I don’t know what is going on.

I watched a well done documentary on Shudder yesterday. It was three hours long but well worth it. It covered various aspects of folk horror (think The Wicker Man or Midsommer). I realized two things. One there are a lot of good movies that I haven’t seen and two I have watched a lot of horror movies. It has also given me a few ideas for the novel. I feel like the information needs to percolate but I am worried that it is just an excuse. So after this I will pull out my novel and see what happens.

I have had a few people ask about what I am calling the “Alice in Wonderland feeling.” It is still going on. I am guessing that there are big changes that are going to be happening soon. I think the girls can sense it as well. I don’t know what they will be or when they will happen but something is shifting in a big way.

On that note I think I will wrap this up and get it posted. I am hoping to have something very cool to share with all of you later this week (if the mail is on time). Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, the World, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Cruising In Neutral

I can tell it’s my day off. I am in no particular rush to do anything. I got up late but I was able to read some new (and old) blog posts from you folks. I even found a few new ones to follow! It has been nice no trying to power read through things.

It still feels off, like yesterday. This even carried over to work (things were really off there). The feeling is not as strong as yesterday but something has changed. I am not sure what but I’m sure I will find out eventually.

It seems odd to be writing about milk but I am using “real” milk if you will. It is from a local farm and comes in glass bottles. It is also a little pricey. Why would I buy this just from my coffee? Because it literally was all we had. I am trying to get used to a thicker and creamier milk (the regular stuff is closer to a white liquid). It is good for several days but the way it is reminds me of when the stuff I normally drink (ok buy since I am not a big milk drinker) is going bad. I have to keep telling myself that the milk is still good it is just different. Maybe I need to use this tack on myself with change?

Mom and I were supposed to get together today but she said I should stay home. I am still debating about going into Traverse just to get out on my own for a bit. But then I consider everyone else. What if I don’t get home until after Chris leaves for work? I don’t want to leave the girls alone (I sound like my Mother here) and I don’t want to miss time with Chris. See how that works? I just talked myself out of going anywhere. (I may go to Dollar General just to walk around. I do need to get out some place out of my normal routine. Or maybe to Gilroy’s and see if they have gotten any seeds in yet.) I use others as a crutch or a pry bar if I need an excuse to go out. Never for me.

If I go out I think I might take my camera. If I do that then I can go to the parks around here and see if I can get some photos. I have been very lax as to my photography. I should continue my DVD lessons. That will be after Chris goes to work. (And I will need to tell myself that the girls won’t suffer from lack of play time if I just do a few lessons. Are you listening Self?)

I have been thinking about doing something with my hair. I’m not sure what. Since I am happy with the length maybe play with the color? Purple is my favorite color so I thought maybe some purple streaks. Something to brighten my mood. If I do streaks then I won’t really have any maintenance because I am not very good with that. As a matter of fact I have an honorary Dude Card because I am very much like a guy in many of my attitudes, lol.

I had better get this posted or I will go on forever it seems today. I hope you all have fab day! Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Reading, Thinking, Writing

Alice Down the Rabbit Hole

Have you ever woken up and felt that something is off? I did this morning. I don’t know what or why but here we are. The girls are asleep on the couch. The skies outside look like dusk.

I spent pretty much all of yesterday reading. I almost made it through two Agatha Christie novels. I am at a loss this morning. I have spent the past 10 minutes looking around or staring at the screen. I find no comfort in my daily routine.

Is it that I need something new? Not purchased per say but a change of some kind. It truly feels like I don’t belong here. Something is off just enough… And I hate putting it like that but that is the crux of it. Essie keeps looking at me as if she senses it too. Something is not quite right.

I realize that at this point I sound like a nut but we all knew that I was so nothing new there. 😁 Well since I am getting nothing done on here but stare at the page I will wrap this up. I hope you all have a great day! Thank you to those that reached out to me yesterday. I appreciate the love. Thanks for reading and stay safe…