Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, Exercise, family, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, Tattoos, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Through the Looking Glasses

Well we now have around a foot (30cm) of snow. It came down hard over the course of yesterday. It lays in thick drifts all over, even in the trees. Stella looks so lonely when she goes out now. I wonder how Spring will be. I am thinking of getting her a harness and then she and I start going for walks at the local park. It will get both of us out. I mentioned it to Chris to see if he wants to go along.

Laundry is wreaking havoc in the utility room by the sounds of it. Things keep falling off the machine as it spins the clothes out. I have no idea why. It is not a different load than normal. Stella keeps getting spooked when something crashes to the floor. I think she is realizing that Essie isn’t coming home again. I am not sure how she is dealing with it. Over the past week or so they both got very jealous of each other. They could be close at times but I just don’t know. I also don’t know how she will react the next time she goes to the vet. Normally she likes to go because she is a very social girl but after this? I know that there was a big change in the dogs when I brought Minion’s body home. After that they didn’t want to go to the vet’s.

I just have to get through today and I have 2 days off. I am going to need my alone time to process everything. I am also going to design Essie’s memorial tattoo. It will be her paw in my hand (I have a photo) and I am getting under my left bicep so that when I put my arm down I she is next to my heart. I am also using some of her ashes in the ink. I want to come up with a tattoo that represents all of my fur babies over the years. I am thinking of maybe just a never-ending line of script of all their names. Just have it wrap around my body. I will also need to see how much this will cost. I have to make sure bills get paid.

The house is so quiet. Essie was such a big personality…. Stella is busy but it is a different energy than Essie. And the fact that we are all cooped up in the house doesn’t help. I wonder what Stella will do Wednesday when we are both gone to work. Tuesday night I have a meeting (please self don’t forget the meeting) so it will be a small taste for her on her own. I worry about her. I worry about all of us. Maybe I will take Stella for a ride tomorrow. Just a drive around then back home to get her out. I still have the blanket in the back seat from Essie (my seat covers are cold this time of year).

I think I will wrap this up and see if I can do some work on my novel. Thanks for reading and I really appreciate the outpouring of love. Much love back to you all! Stay safe.

Life

Heaven Has Another Angel

Things are a mess here. Essie has left a big hole in our lives and it is hard to know what to do. Last night I kept seeing her out of the corner of my eye on the couch. Then I would look and there was no one.

I truly don’t know what to write this morning. My sense of time is off. I have no idea if I gave myself enough time to do this. Or maybe too much time. It takes less time to feed one dog.

Work will be interesting. Atleast I can hide in the office if I need to. One of the perks of being opening manager. And really that is all I want right now. To curl up in a ball until this is all over. But I have to put on the brave strong front and deal with people. I am grateful that Chris will have Stella with him today.

Looking at the clock I guess I could’ve tried to sleep longer. Such a big empty hole where Essie used to be…. I will stop here. Thanks for reading. Stay safe.

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Friends, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Another Broken January

My heart hurts. It is way too early and I am exhausted. Both girls are out here with me. Essie has a vet appointment at 3:30pm. And I think I have made the decision. She has too much that is going on right now. Too much is going wrong. We are up this early because Essie woke me at 5am panting heavily slamming her hear against me. It was like she couldn’t get up. I had to pull her away from Stella and just pet her for a bit. Even then she wouldn’t get up. Finally I went and got a big glass of water (she has been panting this whole time… and yes I realize that panting is a sign of pain in dogs) and that finally got her up. I let her out for a few minutes and when she came back in she got a drink. She wouldn’t go back to bed so I got my stuff and we came out here. I am so tired but when I tried to lay down on the couch (Essie left the couch and went to sleep on the loveseat since it is leather and cooler) sleep would not come. I just laid there and listened to her breathe. Then Stella came out and instead of curling up on the empty spot Essie had left at my feet decided to stand on me. I asked if they wanted breakfast and here we are. They are both sleeping and I am typing away.

Yesterday was filled with blessings despite my phone call to the vet. My Aunt made me a blanket and included two little buddies as a surprise. My Bath and Body Works order arrived (I love the smell of the coconut and sandalwood soap and they finally got more in and they were on sale cheap). One of my regulars at work who is an artist brought me more rocks that he had painted (he has given me several over the past few months as he cleans out his old work). I am being teased that my totem animal must be a penguin since all these guys keep bringing me rocks.

When Chris gets up I am going to give Essie a lot of tea kettle and then I got them bones. I will tell him to love on our baby girl as best he can. I don’t know if I am making the right decision but I can see that she is starting to suffer and I don’t want that for her. She scared the hell out of me this morning. I refuse to go to the emergency vet because I will be required to just drop her off at the door. I am not sending her in there by herself. The last time she was there was for stitches. She won’t be happy. She won’t be happy either way but my vet will let me come in with a mask. They understand and care. Here come the water works. I am trying not to cry because I don’t think I’ll be able to stop. Nor do I want to wake Chris.

Laundry is going since I need jeans for today. I was hoping to put things off with Essie until Monday since I have Monday and Tuesday off (I have a meeting Tuesday night but I can hang at the back on my own) but I guess I will have to deal with people raw. I think they will understand but I can’t turn my emotions on and off like a light switch. I really hate Januarys.

I am shocked that it is still pitch dark out. I had better stop here. In my current mental state I could go on for a long time. Thanks for listening. Stay safe.

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Writing

Peering From the Snow Banks

Well we got a good chunk of the promise snow thus far. Anywhere between 4-6 inches (10-15cm) depending on where you look. We had strong winds last night so that moved things around a bit. Chris is going to get up around 11am to plow. We are supposed to continue to get snow through 1pm I believe. Right now the snow falling is very fine.

It seems as though it doesn’t matter how much sleep or the quality of sleep I get anymore. These past few days have wiped me out. Right now I feel like I have gotten next to no sleep despite getting around 8 hours. (You know you got snowed on when the plow trucks just go by with a soft shush.)

I got some quality work done on the novel yesterday before work. The big thing right now is going to be characters. I need lots of them. Both Italian and Norwegian. That is a bit overwhelming so I am circling the problem mentally. I have a lovely random name generator I found online that I can use. I might start there. There’s just so many that I need to bring to life to pull this story off! I have other things that need to be done but this is the biggest. I have purchased a small notebook to keep with me at work. I had forgotten one and if I get an idea there are only so many post it notes one can keep track of!

I filled the bird feeder the other day when I put more suet in but with this weather I should probably go and take a look see and make sure there is enough. I am also very grateful for the garage to keep the vehicles in. I don’t miss having to dig my car out to go to work!

Gah! I feel like there is something that I need to be doing… But I have no idea what it is. I should throw on some boots and shovel the back and side porches. That way the girls can get up and down the stairs easier as can we. Then I will check the bird feeder. Awww… there is a small chickadee just outside the front window on a branch. Ok, I will take that as my cue. I hope you are all doing fab! Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Movies, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Travel, Writing

The Mad Hatter

Yesterday was productive all things considered. I got all the dishes done and put away (we had accumulated several days worth), same with laundry, I cleaned up the floor in the utility room and put down an all weather mat for the boots, plants got watered and I even got 6 or 7 little glass pots with seeds started.

I got out of the house for an hour (Mom texted around 10:41am asking where I was and I reminded her that she cancelled with me the night before) and I got the mat for the house and a few other goodies. One of them is a cool looking pocket knife. It’s pretty sturdy even if it is a little chunky (this is from my machinist husband… I was concerned that I would get home and he would pronounce it crap due to either design or material). So I can now carry a pocket knife with me. I am very pleased.

We got several inches of snow that seem to have literally blown away. The wind has picked up considerably. I worry that it has made Essie sore/achy. Both girls have been acting odd. It is as if they switched personalities almost. I was sharing some food and Essie about took my fingers off where Stella took it gently (the opposite usually happens). Essie was also busy chewing on bones for several hours while Stella chewed hers until it was clean then came and curled up with me on the love seat (another complete reversal as Essie will normally barely finish her bone and be done while Stella will finish hers first and go look for more). And the jealousy… if I am giving one attention the other gets upset to the point she may actually come over and push her way in. I don’t know what is going on.

I watched a well done documentary on Shudder yesterday. It was three hours long but well worth it. It covered various aspects of folk horror (think The Wicker Man or Midsommer). I realized two things. One there are a lot of good movies that I haven’t seen and two I have watched a lot of horror movies. It has also given me a few ideas for the novel. I feel like the information needs to percolate but I am worried that it is just an excuse. So after this I will pull out my novel and see what happens.

I have had a few people ask about what I am calling the “Alice in Wonderland feeling.” It is still going on. I am guessing that there are big changes that are going to be happening soon. I think the girls can sense it as well. I don’t know what they will be or when they will happen but something is shifting in a big way.

On that note I think I will wrap this up and get it posted. I am hoping to have something very cool to share with all of you later this week (if the mail is on time). Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Photography, the World, Thinking, Travel, Writing

Cruising In Neutral

I can tell it’s my day off. I am in no particular rush to do anything. I got up late but I was able to read some new (and old) blog posts from you folks. I even found a few new ones to follow! It has been nice no trying to power read through things.

It still feels off, like yesterday. This even carried over to work (things were really off there). The feeling is not as strong as yesterday but something has changed. I am not sure what but I’m sure I will find out eventually.

It seems odd to be writing about milk but I am using “real” milk if you will. It is from a local farm and comes in glass bottles. It is also a little pricey. Why would I buy this just from my coffee? Because it literally was all we had. I am trying to get used to a thicker and creamier milk (the regular stuff is closer to a white liquid). It is good for several days but the way it is reminds me of when the stuff I normally drink (ok buy since I am not a big milk drinker) is going bad. I have to keep telling myself that the milk is still good it is just different. Maybe I need to use this tack on myself with change?

Mom and I were supposed to get together today but she said I should stay home. I am still debating about going into Traverse just to get out on my own for a bit. But then I consider everyone else. What if I don’t get home until after Chris leaves for work? I don’t want to leave the girls alone (I sound like my Mother here) and I don’t want to miss time with Chris. See how that works? I just talked myself out of going anywhere. (I may go to Dollar General just to walk around. I do need to get out some place out of my normal routine. Or maybe to Gilroy’s and see if they have gotten any seeds in yet.) I use others as a crutch or a pry bar if I need an excuse to go out. Never for me.

If I go out I think I might take my camera. If I do that then I can go to the parks around here and see if I can get some photos. I have been very lax as to my photography. I should continue my DVD lessons. That will be after Chris goes to work. (And I will need to tell myself that the girls won’t suffer from lack of play time if I just do a few lessons. Are you listening Self?)

I have been thinking about doing something with my hair. I’m not sure what. Since I am happy with the length maybe play with the color? Purple is my favorite color so I thought maybe some purple streaks. Something to brighten my mood. If I do streaks then I won’t really have any maintenance because I am not very good with that. As a matter of fact I have an honorary Dude Card because I am very much like a guy in many of my attitudes, lol.

I had better get this posted or I will go on forever it seems today. I hope you all have fab day! Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, Learning, Life, Love, Nature, Reading, Thinking, Writing

Alice Down the Rabbit Hole

Have you ever woken up and felt that something is off? I did this morning. I don’t know what or why but here we are. The girls are asleep on the couch. The skies outside look like dusk.

I spent pretty much all of yesterday reading. I almost made it through two Agatha Christie novels. I am at a loss this morning. I have spent the past 10 minutes looking around or staring at the screen. I find no comfort in my daily routine.

Is it that I need something new? Not purchased per say but a change of some kind. It truly feels like I don’t belong here. Something is off just enough… And I hate putting it like that but that is the crux of it. Essie keeps looking at me as if she senses it too. Something is not quite right.

I realize that at this point I sound like a nut but we all knew that I was so nothing new there. 😁 Well since I am getting nothing done on here but stare at the page I will wrap this up. I hope you all have a great day! Thank you to those that reached out to me yesterday. I appreciate the love. Thanks for reading and stay safe…

Animals, anxiety, Creativity, Dogs, Emotions, family, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, Thinking, Writing

Was That Sleep That Just Went By?

Today the sun is out and I could care less. Stella is enjoying laying in a sunbeam though. Essie is laying in front of the bedroom door. Momma has been trying to sleep (with dubious success) both on the couch and on the love seat. Essie woke everyone with her heavy panting around 5 or 5:30am. I got up and she drank a lot of water and then went outside. We all went back to bed. About an hour later she starts panting again so I get up and gather my stuff to go sleep on the couch with her (the bedroom can get too warm some nights so I thought maybe sleeping in the cooler living room would help her). We went into the living room and she got her big drink of water before going out. Once she was in we settled on the couch and I tried to sleep. Just as I was dozing off out comes Stella. She wants up on the couch with us. At this point all I want is some sleep. I get my pillow and such and head to the love seat. She looks at me with a hurt look because she wanted to be up there with me. Reluctantly she gets up on the couch and curls up. Unfortunately Essie wanted to be next to me too so after about an hour she goes back to bed in the bedroom. Frustrated I pull the blanket over my head on the love seat. I refused to go back on to the couch. In the end both girls were asleep on the couch when I cracked an eye open around 9:30am or so.

My left shoulder seems to be mostly functional again. I couldn’t do anything without intense pain for the first 15 or so minutes after I got up. My neck is also stiff but workable. The rest of my just wants to go back to bed. And I would but I don’t want to waste my day off. I have things that I want to do. Fortunately there isn’t much in the way of typing after this. My fingers do NOT want to cooperate this morning. I am hoping to connect with both my parents today. Dad wants me to get on the family chat with them tonight. I have no idea what they are using for it (it was Skype then Zoom for one or two and now???). And I don’t know that I am up to a family chat. But Uncle Ron will probably need some support today as it is his “wife’s” birthday. (They never legally married but they were in our eyes.) We lost her three years ago now? It was right around Thanksgiving that year. So I might join the call.

I should wrap this up and get it posted. Thanks for reading and stay safe!

Aging, Animals, anxiety, Books, Creativity, Dogs, dreams, Emotions, family, Friends, Gardening, Learning, Life, Love, Medical, Nature, Photography, retail, the World, Thinking, Writing

Feeling Like a Bad Spice Cake, Too Much of Everything

I just can’t seem to get enough sleep lately. No matter what time I go to bed I feel the same when I get up. Last night I slept especially hard and I honestly feel awful right now. Today will be a 10 hour day but I have tomorrow off. I honestly have no idea what I should do tomorrow. There is so much that needs to be done around here. The only thing I have kept up on is laundry.

The sun is out and I don’t really want it to be. It can be a dark dreary day today. There are plenty of clouds still out. Did I mention all I want to do is sleep? With everything going around at work I will be upset if I get sick again. Not surprised though. I watch people cough either right out without covering their face or they cough into their hand and then touch things. And this from some of the ones that “can’t afford to get sick.” (*eye roll*)

I had a bit of news last night that was well…. unsettling. For me atleast. For most people they would be over the moon and excited and proud and….. Then there’s me. My eldest son (the one I just started keeping in touch with last year) messaged me that he and his wife are expecting. I can’t wrap my head around that. I messaged Mom but she is very blah about it. (I told her briefly about Essie and that I might not answer messages for a bit. I don’t really want to talk to her about Essie because the last scare we had with Essie Mom (well intentioned) told me I needed to do what was best for Essie. If she does that right now I know that I will lay into her. She has no place to tell me that after some of the things she…. no. I am not going there.) I want to tell her that Essie is doing well but I dread the possibility of “that” conversation.

I got some work done on the novel yesterday. Frustratingly enough I seem to have made more backstory questions for myself. Even if the reader never knows about half of what I have created I need to have the history of this village in my head and/or on paper. I have to laugh. For every page of novel I write I end up with two or three pages of backstory that I have to come up with! On the plus side I am very interested in the characters and their backstory so it is not a chore to get to the nuts and bolts of things.

I guess I should wrap things up. I want to try to wake up before work. I am closing manager so I need to be focused and alert. Not dozing. Thanks for reading and stay safe!